Aug 24, 2011

Needing A Lot Less Barrymore

Guest blogger Jennifer Love Bacon is back 
with even more anger and a soupçon of sass.

[Photo Credit]

To continue my trend of writing about mediocre movies released months ago that I’m just now getting around to…

Going the Distance was on HBO Zone this weekend and I just could not resist. Basically, it’s this generation’s Sleepless in Seattle. It was one of those movies that I couldn’t see spending 13 bucks on when it was in theaters, but I planned to watch it one day on TBS. Well, thanks to pay-cable, my plans came to fruition sooner than I thought.

Now, in all fairness, I missed the first 10 minutes, but it really didn’t seem to matter. I joined Drew and Justin after they “knocked boots” (as Kenny from Can’t Hardly Wait would say), and Drew mentions how stressful her internship is. Now, I don’t know how old Drew
Barrymore is (Hollywood ages even the young at heart), but, regardless, she looks about 40. Harsh? Maybe. But so are the edges of her pointy lips. Let's check out the trailer:

Long-in-the-tooth Drew and droopy Long have almost no chemistry, but thanks to a montage, their flirting and sex-having soon blossoms into love.

You've just crossed over into...
“Let’s weave the conflict subtly into the story line…oh wait, no…let’s not.” I imagine that is what the screenwriters said to each other when they added in Drew’s following line of dialogue – “This can’t turn into a relationship. I have to get back to grad school at Stanford.” Then Justin Long says, “But you’re 40!” And Drew retorts, “Screw you, you look like you’re 12!” Of course, that’s what would have been said in real life, but this is not real life, my friends. This is The HBO Zone – where aged actresses play college students and dream of one day having careers in journalism.

I was rapidly losing interest.

Good thing Charlie Day and Jason Sudeikis came to the rescue. What a delightful duo! I was happy to see them together in Horrible Bosses as well. Everything they do in this movie is hilarious. I laughed out loud (lol’d) every time they were on screen, from mustache jokes to the funny bits of dialogue that brought us into each scene. They made the movie watchable and damn near enjoyable. It’s a shame they were only peripherally involved in the story.

The Un-Photoshopped Poster
I don’t know why so many Romantic Comedies (what people in the biz call Rom-Coms) feel compelled to separate the romance from the comedy. One minute I’m gagging at eyelash flutters and love declarations and the next I’m belly-laughing at Jim Gaffigan eating a sandwich. Oh yeah, Jim Gaffigan is also in this movie, and he is great. So is Christina Applegate. I wish the movie was about their relationship – Gaffigan is a much more compelling love interest than Justin Long. Hot Pocket, indeed. The makers of this movie, like so many other movies before, just plant a bland couple in the middle of a bunch of really funny and interesting acquaintances and call it a comedy. If the main story line isn’t funny, how is it a comedy? It’s like how people say Rashida Jones is a comedian, but she’s not, she’s just surrounded by comedians*. It’s jarring to go from a Barrymore/Long tearful (yet oh so awkward) hug with stilted dialogue to Charlie Day killin’ it on the toilet**.

And while we’re at it, NOT ALL YOUNG WOMEN WANT TO BE JOURNALISTS! It’s been the go-to career for leading ladies in films since the 90s (and the sex and screwball comedies of yesteryear). But there have been a lot of changes since then, none more important than THE COMPLETE DEATH OF PRINT JOURNALISM. Stop it, filmmakers, stop it. And Drew is so stubborn in this movie; Jim Gaffigan is like “Why don’t you just write for a blog?” and Drew is like “Meh. Pout. Silence.” Join the digital age, you old lady! What, are you worried you won’t be able to make a living off of internet journalism? Do you know how much money they give me to write for this blog? I get paid in millions, literally millions***. Nobody longs to work at The Chronicle anymore, Drew – get with the times! And fix your face.

* Ed. note: we’re going to need some Aloe Vera, because JLB is burning people left and right!

**I realize now that this may be construed as masturbatory, that was not my intention. I meant to use the phrase “killin’ it” like rap-song writers do, to give out praise. And there is a really funny scene where Charlie was on the toilet the whole time.

***Ed. note: We need to talk.

Guest Blogger Jennifer Love Bacon has been primarily underground since the rise of the Lycans. She completely missed the rise of the planet of the apes.
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...