'She's The Man' Turns 10

She's the Man is now a 10-year-old movie. Which makes me feel old, but also officially makes the movie a classic, since it totally holds up.  In honor of its anniversary, here are 10 legit reasons you should watch/rewatch this gem:

Amanda Bynes!

This is her finest moment. Bynes gets to showcase her sassy charm AND her amazing physical comedy skills. 

Soccer That's Fun to Watch!

Between this and Bend it Like Beckham, soccer is basically the go-to sport for female empowerment.

Channing Tatum!

He's so charming and dumb. Also, this movie came out about 6 months before Step Up, so it's really the last role of Tatum's before he rocketed to superstardom.

Best Modern Shakespeare Adaptation Ever!

Yeah, I love 10 Things I Hate About You. But this reimagining of Twelfth Night has so much more spunk and personality. It's also written by the same screenwriters, so let's not make this a competition.  Plus, 10 Things I Hate About You didn't have...

David Cross!

Sure, he's sidelined for the majority of the movie, but he's a fun side character who gets to tell the world about the silent sufferers of Alopecia. It's not never-nude territory, but it's still very real.

Lots of Mrs. Doubtfire Goodness!

And by that, I mean there is a ton of fun with cross-dressing. The movie basically has 50 shower scenes that Bynes' Viola has to navigate.  And then there's a kissing booth scene and a strategically used bouncy house. It's all good fun. Plus, there's even a scene where Viola gets a makeover to look like her brother. It's a montage, and it's excellent.

Fun with Tampons!

Seriously, they're very absorbent.

Vinnie Jones!

Vinnie "I'm the Juggernaut, Bitch" Jones plays the soccer coach, and he's a delight. He's just as gruff and ornery as he is in every other movie in which he appears, but he also has this egalitarian spirit and harrumph-y charm that wins you over.

AMANDA BYNES!

Okay, this was already listed, but it bears repeating how funny and sweet she is in this movie. Sure, when she cross-dresses she looks like a pre-pubescenet Zac Efron, but even that doesn't hide her awesome.

A Delightfully Pro-Feminist Message!

Sure, the film gets a little weighed down by the "I'm a girl pretending to be a boy" premise, but there is a strong message in the film about following your dreams (like High School Musical, but with less auto-tune) regardless of how right or wrong they appear to the people around you. Women can be rough-and-tumble and hate cotillions, Men can be in touch with their feelings.

So go watch She's the Man. And, if possible, watch it on DVD with the commentary track on, because it's a really good one.

365 Days, 365 Movies: June and July

Welcome to the Summer, when television goes away and movies get louder and stupider! I focused on Reese Witherspoon movies in May (in my quest to watch 365 movies in 365 days), and it was great. I really had a new-found respect for her. So, for June, I focused on another great American actor. I'm speaking, of course, of Kurt Russell. For July, I just tried to clear my Netflix queue AND go to the theater as much as possible, really soaking in that free air conditioning.

Chris Hemsworth is People's 2014 Sexiest Man: Alive Category

The good people at People have released their list of the Sexiest Living Humans With Dongs (not so fast, ghost-of-noted-lothario Beetlejuice Casanova), and the most sexy living person this year is Australia's Thor, AKA Chris Hemsworth. The 6'3" actor is most known for his work in Marvel films and for placing fifth on Australia's version of Dancing With the Stars. By achieving the honor of most attractive man with a pulse, Hemsworth joins a vaulted list of famous humans who have male genitalia AND publicists who work really hard to get their clients on covers of magazines. He takes over the position from purportedly sexy, now disgusting crooner Adam Levine, who in turn inherited the mantle from stripper-turned-dancer-turned-actor-turned-stripper/actor Channing Tatum.

Hemsworth will spend his year as presiding thirst-maker traveling the globe, spreading goodwill and sexiness where'er he goes.

Congratulations on all your success, Chris Hemsworth. The people (and the people at People) tip our inferior musculature to you.

Good News, Everybody! [The Force Awakens]

Man, it seems like the world is heading to hell in a handbasket. Early winter is causing people to have Premature Seasonal Affective Disorder (or Pre-SAD). Interstellar was a beautiful bore of a film. Bill Cosby is probably a serial rapist. Kim Kardashian's attempts to 'break the internet' only resulted in the breaking of humanity's collective spirit. And Chris Brown still exists.

Still, it's not all bad news! There are some glimmers of hope on the horizon. When you're feeling down and out, let this news be your bridge over troubled waters:

Hollywood Couples We Root For: Part Deux

Man, pop culture news has been pretty depressing recently. The summer movie season has been weird and a little disappointing, and television has been less than diverting. Plus, between the deaths, suicides, and Modern Family winning big at the Emmy Awards, it's a pretty bleak picture off-screen as well. So to liven things up, I'm bringing back one of the earliest features on the blog.

Maggie Gyllenhaal hasn't yet left
Peter Sarsgaad for an orb of pure light.

Way back in 2011, in my second post, I talked about celebrity couples who needed to stay together, because the strength of their bonds actually helps people believe that love for normal, non-famous people can exist.

And that hope remains. I guess. I mean, all the couples are still together. Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard are still keeping it weird. Anne Meara and Jerry Stiller are still alive. Jennifer Aniston is technically all up in Justin 'Sweatpants' Theroux, but everyone knows that Courteney Cox is the real love of her life. 

So let's look at more couples who prove love is real, even if it's just real for the pretty people. Without further ado, here is a list of Hollywood Couples We Root For, Part Deux:

Hit or Miss: Quick Movie Reviews 8: 4th of July Edition

You guys! Here in America, it's Independence Day, which means it's time to celebrate 'Merica the only way we know how: drinking too much, eating a variety of meats, prank-calling anyone named Tim Howard, and spending a long weekend watching movies. To help you make the decision on what movie to see, I have spent the last few days watching a crap-load of movies. Like, I don't know how I do it. It's staggering. And since you can't spend this whole weekend in a cinema, I'mma tell you which ones to HIT the theater to see, and which ones you can MISS:

OSCARS!

The glitz! The glamour! The weird interludes where Ellen didn't seem to know what she was doing!
And, of course, the selfie heard 'round the world:

Looking at this photo, I'm mostly happy because Angelina Jolie, a woman who takes herself way too seriously, got in all the goofiness. Even Kevin Spacey's dopey face won't keep me from enjoying that.

I was going to talk about the REAL WINNERS AND LOSERS, but the ceremony was kind of neutrally fine. It didn't ruffle anyone's feathers, Spike Jonze won for writing Her, 12 Years a Slave won Best Picture, and Gravity won pretty much everything else. It was a good time.

It's My Birthday!

July 30th (TODAY) is my birthday. I was birthed many years ago on this very day. Since I haven't ever really written my name on this blog, you're probably trying to figure out which famous person I am: Lisa Kudrow or Arnold Schwarzenegger.  I could easily be either, but, if I'm being completely honest, I'm more similar to the picture to below than either of the aforementioned A-listers:

My photoshop, my selfie

Anyway, I thought I should do something special on this blog to commemorate occasion. So, in the same way that birthdays are spent recognizing hard work and regret, I thought it best to take a look back at the Tableau Your Mind articles that never were, the articles that never quite made it to print. Often, by the time I draw a picture or draft an article, the subject matter doesn't hold any interest. Often I just don't have an opinion on something, or I'm being lazy, or the world has forgotten the thing I set out to write about. Whatever the reason, I have, over the years of writing this blog, amassed a pretty large collection of useless pictures and article snippets. Here are some lost articles from the past year of my life:

The Academy Awards: The REAL Winners and Losers

It was a weird night of television, and, as we predicted and despite a Best Director snub, Argo won Best Picture at the Academy Awards last night/this morning, and most of the other people who were going to win Oscars won Oscars. Instead of looking at the winners and losers, we're going to look at the real winners and losers, the people/trends that really stood out during the ceremony:

Hundreds of Attractive Men Injured or Dead as Channing Tatum Crowned Sexiest Man Alive

Channing Tatum Sexily Exits the Arena, Triumphant

In a scene reminiscent of Lord of the Flies or The Hunger Games, but with decidedly more body oil, Channing Tatum emerged from the People Magazine Sexiest Man-nasium this morning triumphant, the head of Bradley Cooper in his hands and the teeth of his victims adorning his neck.

The battle royale for the crown began a few weeks ago, and soon the dead bodies were too attractive and numerous to fathom. Tatum, who many felt was an underdog in the competition, soon rose in esteem with his affable nature. His tactic of luring victims in with his ease and confidence and then killing them with quick fighting maneuvers, which could only be described as an

Channing Tatum is People's Sexiest Man Alive

The people of People have spoken! With all of the other sexy men dead by his hands, Channing Tatum claims the title of sexiest living human male.

We have little-to-no opinion about this, except to say that we really enjoyed his work in 21 Jump Street and that People magazine seems to be going for 'relatable' lately when they pick the winners. Bradley Cooper, last year's victor, is a nice fellow, sure, and we loved him in Alias, but by his own admission he probably wasn't the sexiest man alive. Now that we have mourned his death and crowned 'everyman' Channing Tatum the sexiest man alive, who will be next? Al from Home Improvement? DJ Jazzy Jeff? Your guess is as good as ours.

Still, congratulations Chan! Tonight we drink the blood of your slaughtered foes in honor of you.

Huzzah!

Check out some Channing articles on Tableau Your Mind HERE, and add your pics for Sexiest Man ALIVE (Sorry, Bertolt Brecht) in the comments below!

Good News, Everybody! [A New Hope]

Hey Tableau Your Mind readers. We know that it's been a tough few weeks. Amy Poehler and Will Arnett announced that they were separating. Michael Clarke Duncan died. It's the anniversary of 9/11. Chris Brown still exists. The Olympics are over.

Still, all hope is not lost. We combed the internet, looking for some good pop culture news to make you feel better, to give you hope in a world seemingly bereft of kindness and love. And let's just say that we definitely found some gems:

Hit Or Miss: Quick Movie Reviews 4!

Watching tons of movies is so difficult! It’s, like, who has the time these days?!  And, even if you have the time, who has the money, especially with the tickets and the popcorn and the toll roads and the finder’s fees and the bridge troll tolls? It’s like, URGH!!!  (coincidentally, that the sound a toll-troll makes if he doesn't collect enough tolls)

Well, Tableau Your Mind (with some help from guest Blogger Funton Abbey) have watched a ton of movies for you, and we’re here to provide pointed critiques and ask a simple question: should people HIT the theater and see this movie, or is it more of a MISS?

Magic Mike

Strippin' Ain't Easy

The Story: Steven Soderbergh directs this film about a 30-ish stripper Mike (Channing Tatum), who has a great life, but he doesn’t have love (from Cody Horn or Olivia Munn), and he can’t get a bank loan to pursue his dreams. Will he turn out like his aging, charismatic
boss (Matthew McConaughey) or can he escape his life of easy money, attractive women, and hip-hop stripping?

Pros: There are great performances from Tatum and McConaughey (Olivia Munn is pretty good, too), the first half is breezy and fun, there are genitalia for all audiences (a few out-of-focus penises and a few pairs of boobs - everybody wins), the stripping scenes are well choreographed and cheesy, and everyone seems to be having a good time. Also, Alcide from True Blood and Neal Caffrey from White Collar are in it and strip a few times.

Cons: The second half of the movie gets mired in a story about the dangers of drug abuse and selling drugs, Magic Mike’s problems mostly seem kind of stupid, Cody Horn (as the love interest) is possibly the worst actress we’ve ever seen, and the color palate is stereotypically yellow and washed out, which is Filmmaking 101 for shooting a film in Florida but which makes everyone look a bit pancake-faced.

Consensus: Channing Tatum is turning out really solid performances lately, and this is no exception. It’s a shame that most of his scenes are with Horn, who can’t act herself out of a paper bag, and Alex Pettyfer, who is mostly just boring. Even his tattoos lack inspiration. The story is mostly fun, and the film is directed really interestingly (a lot of scenes cut out a second before you think they should, which puts you on edge). All-in-all, it’s solid but also kind of forgettable.

Hit or Miss: Hit, but you can probably leave after the first hour or so, when things start to get REAL.

Your Sister’s Sister

The Story: Jack’s (Mark Duplass) brother Tom is dead. Before he died, Tom dated Iris (Emily Blunt), Jack’s best friend. Iris loves Jack. Jack loves Iris (but hasn't figured it out yet). Jack sleeps with Iris’s lesbian sister Hannah (Rosemarie DeWitt) while staying at Iris’s family cabin. Iris arrives, and complications ensue.

Pros: As you might be able to tell from the synopsis, this is one of the more backstory-heavy films in existence. Mostly, the relationships feel real, which is due in no small part to the stellar acting from the three leads. They sell a lot of material that is pretty ridiculous. When the characters are talking and interacting, the film is golden.

Cons: The last third of this film is insufferable, especially because there is an 10-minute montage where nobody says anything to anybody and it’s really frakking weird. We don’t want to spoil anything for anyone, but things get really out-of-control plot-wise near the end, and the film’s attempts to tie everything up in a neat bow and a group hug rings false. It’s also a little too twee and cutesy for the subject matter.

Consensus: Good performances build a lot of goodwill, and that is seriously tested as audiences are treated to several minutes of people pitching and un-pitching tents and sleeping and walking. The last bit of this film is located firmly between Dullsville, Lazytown, and Implausible Cove.

Hit or Miss: Miss. Honestly, you can probably skip this one. It will be on Netflix Instant Watch within a year.

Ted

Ted: he's high-larious

The Story: A wisecracking, sentient bear (voiced by Seth MacFarlane) and his wisecracking friend with bad hair (Mark Wahlberg) have to learn to grow up or else the bad hair guy might lose the love of his life (Mila Kunis) who is way more attractive, young, and responsible than he is.

 Pros: It’s funny. There are a lot of laugh-out-loud moments and some solid jokes about Flash Gordon. The bear (the titular Ted) is a funny concept that is explored well. There are two great scenes: one involving sh*t and the other Norah Jones. Also, Ryan Reynolds shows up for no reason and it’s awesome.

Cons: The film relies on the same humor that Seth MacFarlane peddles in his television shows, and we can watch those for free. It’s mildly offensive and not funny enough to make up for the offensiveness. Also, Mark Wahlberg has no right to be playing a 35-year-old stoner/slacker. He's super jacked and is and looks 41 years old. 35-year-old stoner/slackers are rarely as ripped as him and they are certainly not 41. He’s also not that funny. Plot-wise, things hold together as long as everyone is having a good time, but, when it tries to be honest emotionally, it feels false and stupid.

Consensus: The film can be funny and is mostly harmless, but this style of humor is done better in other movies and in MacFarlane’s own shows. The novelty of a talking bear wears off quickly, and the constant sex jokes smack of desperation.

Hit or Miss: Miss. Rent it later or something.

Magic Mike: The Musical?

So, apparently Magic Mike, the stripper bio-pic starring Channing Tatum and Alex "unremarkable" Pettyfer, is already in the early stages of being made into a musical. No, I'm sorry, A MUSICAL (these are not spirit fingers - THESE are spirit fingers)! Now, this does bring our dream of seeing 'Carol' Channing Tatum one step closer to reality, and Tatum and Soderbergh have been tapped to produce it. Still, it all seems a little rushed. I mean, Newsies took 20 years to make it from screen to stage, and The Lion King took at least 3. Why the rush, Chi-Tat?

Get Your Papes!

Of course, maybe now is the time for a stripper musical, in the way that now is also the time for a Newsies musical, apparently. We are the 99% and what have you.

Also, it's been ages since anyone has talked about The Full Monty, and a Magic Mike-sical will, in theory, have more attractive people stripping.

I don't know, we're on the fence on this one. Thoughts?

The 'Magic Mike' Trailer Got Us Thinking...

Yesterday saw the release of the first trailer for Magic Mike, the stripper biopic directed by Stephen Soderbergh and starring and based on the life of Channing Tatum, 2012's most ubiquitous film star (This year's Jessica Chastain, or, more aptly, this year's Jude Law).

It got us thinking. Despite the somewhat cyclical nature of Channing Tatum’s career that this trailer represents, the role really opens him up to a whole new world of opportunities. He can dance, he’s funny, and he can sing. He still lacks some complexity in the more dramatic

Film Review: 21 Jump Street

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