Hit Or Miss: Quick Movie Reviews 6

Hello once again.

It's time to crawl out from under the Veronica Mars rock where I've been staying to look at some of the other movies that are currently out in the universe. And, since I'm blessed with an inordinate amount of free time on the weekends (take that, people with kids and/or friends), I have basically seen all the movies. Since I know that some of the readers do not have all the time to skulk around theaters, Phantom of the Opera-style, I have compiled a helpful list of movies that are worth HITting the cinema for, and movies that can be MISSed. That's right, 'tis time once again for a little Hit or Miss!

Muppets Most Wanted

It's not easy being green.

The Story: Directly following the events of the first movie, the Muppets head out on a European tour. It isn't long, though, before Kermit is replaced by the villainous frog and Kermit doppelganger Constantine, the most wanted criminal in the world. While Kermit tries to escape a Russian Gulag (and becomes chummy with guard Tina Fey in the process), Constantine and his cohort Dominic Badguy (Ricky Gervais) carry out successful museum heists while hiding under the alibi of the Muppets tour. Things get complicated, songs get sung, feelings get hurt, and Miss Piggy sings a sad duet with Celine Dion. You know, totally normal Muppet stuff.

Pros: I loved the first of the new Muppets movies, but one thing that it was rightly criticized for was focusing more on the human characters than the Muppets themselves. In this sequel, it's back to Muppet Classic, with humans adding color to the movie but not driving the plot. Ty Burrell and Ricky Gervais have interesting parts, but Tina Fey is really the only important human in the movie, and she's great. Like, really great. There are some other cameos (I won't spoil anything) that also add to the fun. The music, while not quite as great as the songs in the previous movie, is undeniably catchy. The movie is also incredibly fun and goofy, and some of the large plot holes are explained away by a general positive vibe. It's a feel-good delight. Plus, in my opinion, any time spent with the Muppets is time well spent.

Cons: While the film is generally great, it's also incredibly meta. As an audience, you're never allowed to forget that this is a movie, and that none of it is real. The Muppets make mention of it consistently throughout the movie.  Also, I'm a little tired of wondering whether or not Miss Piggy and Kermit are married (I've seen at least 2 weddings), which is a major plot point of the movie.

Consensus: It's funny, it's light-hearted, and it's a fun addition to the recent spat of great kid's movies (Frozen, The LEGO Movie, etc.). Also, you get to hear Tina Fey say "Good night, Danny Trejo" in a Russian accent.

Hit/Miss: HIT this movie up. it's a fun time.

The Grand Budapest Hotel

At The Grand Budapest,
everyone is checking out.
Like, they're being murdered.

The Story (Or, rather, the story within the story within the story): Gustave H. (Ralph Fiennes) is a concierge at a super swanky hotel. When he is framed for the murder of one of the hotel's ultra-rich clients (Tilda Swinton), it's up to a young lobby boy to clear his boss's name and break him out of jail (and effectively woo a young pastry chef played by Saoirse Ronan). Along the way, they run into a who's who of Wes Anderson mainstays, including Jeff Goldblum, Bill Murray, Edward Norton, Adrian Brody, Jason Schwartzman, and MORE!

Pros: Moonrise Kingdom, Wes Anderson's movie previous to this one, also happened to be one of the best movies ever (not The Royal Tenenbaums good, but still). This movie's not quite at that level, but it is the most Wes Anderson-y movies that Wes Anderson has ever Wes Anderson-ed.  That means audiences get cracker-jack pacing, blunt and direct dialogue, great actors hanging out and being great, and a beautiful and rich color palette. Also, it's good to see Ralph Fiennes being funny and with a normal-looking nose.

Cons: Again, it's the most Wes Anderson-y movie in the history of movies, and the director's twee sensibility can be a bit much at times. Also, the plot involves a lot of murder and quasi-Nazis, and sometimes it's difficult to watch your favorite actors get murdered, be murderers, and/or be kind of Nazis (in the movie, the fascist group is called The Zig-Zags). Also, something bad happens to a cat, and it's either the funniest or most frightening thing you'll ever see, depending on how you feel about cats.
Consensus: If you like Wes Anderson movies, you will like this movie. If you don't, then this movie isn't going to win you over.
Hit/Miss: Again, I really enjoyed this movie, and it's a delight, but you can probably MISS it for now and catch it on DVD.

Nymphomaniac: Vol. 1

love.

The Story: After being beaten and left in an alley, sex addict Joe (Charlotte Gainsbourg) is taken in by a man named Seligman (Stellan Skarsgard) and nursed back to health. While resting, she recounts her many tales of sexual deviance in a somewhat clinical manner, and her rescuer compares said sexual encounters (some of which involve Shia LaBeouf) to fly fishing, classical music, and the Fibonacci Sequence. The film, which is part one of a two-part film, is both strikingly forward and maddeningly snooty.
Pros: Despite the film's premise and its 'we're going to show you more vaginas, penises, and butts than you've ever seen on-screen before' attitude, the movie is incredibly funny, and often that's on purpose. Stellan Skarsgard is quite funny as Seligman, a man who is gentle and unassuming but who will porbably turn out to be a monster in Vol 2. Uma Thurman is scrumtrulescent as Mrs. H, the cuckolded wife of one of Joe's paramours; I honestly wish that the movie was just about her. Also, the actress playing Young Joe, Stacy Martin, is impressive in basically her first acting role. Also, possibly a Pro, there are a number of fairly explicit sex scenes that kind of hint at the strange banality of sex while still being fairly hardcore. Still not sure how to feel about them.
Cons: The movie, and the director Lars Von Trier, tries so hard to be daring and bold, and it feels like everyone is trying to hard. It's like when a teenager smokes in front of her parents, daring them to call her on it, "I'm not your little girl anymore" practically screaming behind her eyes. But really, all those boobs and butts and dongs just feel kind of silly, and it feels less like Von Trier is trying to get at a universal truth about the human experience and more like he's trying to justify his own demons. Also, Christian Slater and LaBeouf try unsuccessfully to have some sort of accent in the movie, and both of their attempts are laughingly bad. Also, this movie is so pretentious. It's "using a bidet while Queen Elizabeth II spoon-feeds you caviar and reads the New Yorker out loud" level of pretentiousness.

Consensus: I'll wait until after I see Vol 2 to fully form my opinion, but right now the movie is more spectacle than substance, and I could have done without the strange PowerPoint presentation of sad wangs.
Hit/Miss: I'm going to go with MISS for right now, but maybe the second half will win me over. Also, be sure you're 100% comfortable watching this movie with other people. It can get a bit weird at points.

Veronica Mars

She's got a taser and a camera,
and she's not afraid to use 'em

The Story: Okay, I said I was going to forget about this movie for a while, but I also just realized that I never actually reviewed it. So, here we go. Veronica Mars follows a young woman (the titular Mars, played by Kristen Bell) and former private detective as she returns home to a life she left behind in order to clear her ex-boyfriend (Logan Echolls, played by Jason Dohring) of murder charges and attend her high school reunion. She's tried for 9 years to leave her old life behind her, but the past has a way of sneaking up on old Veronica Mars.
Pros: If you're a fan of the television show of the same name, then there's a good chance you will like this movie. So, let's just talk about Pros for newbies. If you're going into this movie with fresh eyes, there is still a lot to love: tortured romance, big brawls, explosions, noir-style detective shenanigans, and more. The real reason to see this movie, though, is Kristen Bell, an actress who has never found a role quite as good as the damaged youth she played for three seasons on TV. Bell, like other TV stars before her, hasn't quite found her niche in film, though she's admirably shuffled through cheesy rom-coms that Katherine Heigl would turn down and delightful indies that nobody saw. This is her big-screen chance to play a fantastic character, and she doesn't disappoint.
Cons: The movie can be hard to get into as a non-fan (here's a helpful primer for people who haven't seen the series), but even as a fan there are plot points and character notes that are difficult to swallow. The central plot moves along nicely, but so much of the story involves plot points that are never resolved, in a way that makes the movie feel like the first episode in a much-longer series. Also, there is a clunky 'addiction' metaphor laced throughout the film, and it's super heavy-handed. We get it – Veronica, like her mother, battles with an addiction, but, unlike her boozy mama, Veronica is addicted to... solving murders? Or something?

Consensus: This movie is important, and I hope it does well so that other 'gone-but-not-forgotten' television series have some sort of life, be it a movie, or a comic book, or a spinoff musical.  What's dead may never die.
Hit/Miss: I mean, HIT. How often do we get to see complicated female characters on screen?

Well, that's it for this edition of Hit or Miss. Go forth and watch movies. You'll be glad you did.

'Veronica Mars': A Primer for Noobs

I want Veronica Mars to be a success, so here is my attempt to get butts in the seats. While it's true that the movie is mostly for fans of the television series, I sincerely believe that it can be enjoyable for everyone. You've got a great, noir-esque feel, a simple and engaging mystery, and a leading lady with all the right moves. Also most of the movie is pretty accessible from a non-fan perspective, and the first third is devoted to getting everyone caught up. Still, there are a few things that just don't make sense if you haven't seen the show. Below is a catch-up tool to make sure that nobody enters the theater without the proper knowledge. Dropping knowledge in 3...2...1...

The Veronica Mars Movie Is Upon Us, And It's Important

March 14th might well go down as one of the most important dates in cinematic history, and nothing major is happening. Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt aren't sitting down with Oprah to discuss their (seemingly decades-spanning) divorce. George Clooney won't reveal that his whole career has been one long prank, and he's really a married father of two from Topeka. Alfred Hitchcock probably isn't coming back from the dead, ready to declare war on the blondes and homosexuals that he loves and hates so much. No, Friday, March 14th is the official premiere date for the little Kickstarter movie that could: Veronica Mars.

Now, I don't mean to be hyperbolic, but the Veronica Mars movie is a genuinely important touchstone in film and television history. Over the last decade or so, there has been a power shift in the way fans of shows are treated by the general public and by the very people and shows that they are fans of. It used to be that die-hard fans were relegated to the sticky floors of Conference Room B, desperate for a view of a C-List actor at whatever half-hearted convention was being thrown.  Filmmakers like George Lucas derided the fans' input (he has since – wisely – recanted on his earlier beliefs), and there was shame even among the fans themselves. Carefully homemade Star Trek uniforms were shoved to the back of closets, their owners frightened that anyone outside of a 'con' know of their existence (requisite

Best of 2013 Part 2: Films and Events

A solid 3.5 weeks after going through the momentous TV and music events of 2013, it's time now to turn to the movies and general events that defined the year. Again, it's difficult to look at the year as a whole, because it seems like we are constantly teetering between instant forgetfulness AND instant nostalgia. We're like that guy from Memento who wanted that mint to impress that tattoo artist. Or something. It's really hard to remember what that movie was about. And I miss it dearly. 

Anyway... let's look at the film moments and new cultural touchstones that shaped 2013:

The 'Veronica Mars' Movie is Happening!

Dick, Logan, Keith, Veronica, Mac, and Wallace

There has been a lot of good pop culture news recently. The trailer for the new Hangover movie came out and doesn't look terrible, Joss Whedon's Much Ado About Nothing seems like it's going to be awesome (though it can never touch the majesty of Kenneth Branagh's 90s version), and Bunheads on ABC Family got renewed for a second season. No news, however, is quite as exciting as yesterday's announcement that there is actually going to be a Veronica Mars movie. Hinted at for some time by lead actress Kristen Bell, it all seemed like an unattainable dream until the Kickstarter campaign started yesterday morning. They were looking to get $2 million in 30 days, and they've already gotten $2.7 million in donations in a little over a day. So, yeah, this movie is happening.

Created by Rob Thomas (not this guy), Veronica Mars is a California-set neo-noir television series following a pint-sized sleuth (Bell played the titular Veronica) as she navigates the

Kristen Bell Breakdown = Adorable

Dear Kristen Bell,

Friends have told me that my love for you isn't healthy.

They say 'Sure, Veronica Mars was great, but maybe it's time to let go'

They tell me I should get a hobby, 

like rock collecting, rock climbing, or rock identification 

(I have a lot of geologist friends)

Sometimes I wonder if they are right, that I should stop devoting so 

much time to you and focus on more valuable pursuits.

Like helping out in Darfur. Surely Don Cheadle would approve.

But then you go and do something adorable, 

like have a stage 5 meltdown about

the possibility of meeting a sloth.

And then I just love you more.

Ever yours,

Tableau Your Mind

TV Review: House of Lies

You can't see what's under those bars.
She can, but you can't

House of Lies premieres this Sunday on Showtime, and, thanks to the lovely people at Showtime and the venerable artists of YouTube, the pilot was available for viewing ahead of time (sans Showtime’s trademark nudity). The show stars Don Cheadle (Hotel Rwanda, Rush Hour 2) as Marty Kaan, management consultant and family man. His life is very of-the-moment. He consults for the 1% yet uses the 99% to aid him in his endeavors. In the real world his life would be enviable, with a posh apartment, sexy consorts, and sexier consorts. Except this is a Showtime show, so he is an absolute wreck. The first few minutes of the show find him waking up next to his druggie-ex-wife (who is so out of it that she doesn’t really remember their previous night of boning) and then going into the kitchen to explain to his gender-confused son and his father why ex-wifey is there at all. Then, he flies to New York with his cracker-jack management consultant team, which includes Veronica Mars and Jean Ralphio (Kristen Bell and Ben Schwartz) as well as some other guy (Josh Lawson), all

TV Review: Let's Talk New Shows

It’s that time of year again. Stockings are being hung by the chimney with care, Menorahs are being attractively displayed in windows, and I begin the holiday tradition known as the Network Television Holiday Break. Every year, shows abandon me, sometimes for over a month, and I, in turn, evaluate the new programs I have started watching and decide – who will I stay with in 2012?

Amy, Trying Too Hard

Enlightened (HBO)

Awkward, depressing, lonely. Enlightened is obviously one of the best new shows on TV this year. The show, created by Mike White and Laura Dern (and starring Dern), is about Amy Jellicoe, an ‘enlightened,’ self-centered anti-hero. After an emotional breakdown and Hawaiian therapy, Amy returns to her old company with a fresh outlook on life, only to realize that making her way in her new job is rife with conflict (mostly self-imposed, though that becomes tricky as the show goes on). The performances are top-notch. Dern and Diane

Film Review: The Help

Hilly, Skeeter, Minny (with pie), and Aibileen

The Help is about a girl named Skeeter (adorable nickname!) who is really, really miffed about losing the maid who raised her (adorable lost youth!) and who wants a job with a big, fancy publishing house (adorable goals!). When she notices that the maids who work for her childhood friends are being mistreated, she decides to write (and I am using that term

TV: The Best (And Worst) Mothers Around

 I've been watching early seasons of Grey's Anatomy and Mad Men lately, and it's shocking to see the parade of bad mothers marching through television. In many ways, a damaged, not-great mother makes for better television - more room for awkwardness, more room for drama. Still, on Mother's Day, I think it's also good to look at the positive maternal influences that have populated the airwaves for decades, beaming into our homes and influencing our lives. Who are the 10 best and some of the worst mothers in television? Well, check after the jump for my (somewhat biased) opinions.

Score One for the Beek!

As many people have probably heard, James Van Der Beek, better known as Dawson of Dawson's Creek, has landed a plum role in the much anticipated ABC pilot Don't Trust the Bitch (that title's definitely changing).  He co-stars with Dreama Walker (Gossip Girl, The Good Wife) and Krysten Ritter (Gilmore Girls, Veronica Mars, our dreams).  Van Der Beek plays a heightened version of himself, something that he recently did awesomely on Funny Or Die!  Even better, the role was originally written for Lance Bass.  So, we at Tableau are ready to give the win to Van Der Beek, whose ridiculous name belies an acting depth and soul we can't wait to see regularly on our computer screens.

P.S. yes, we did just learn how to link to things on our posts.