It's Time For The Maya Rudolph Revolution

Maya Rudolph with contemporaries Fey and Poehler

When Maya Rudolph left Saturday Night Live in 2007, she seemed poised for a gigantic career. For seven seasons, she had shone in a cast packed with many soon-to-be television and film stars. But, instead of going the traditional post-SNL path (one terrible movie, a few years of obscurity, rising like a phoenix from the career ashes with a hit Funny or Die video, etc), she instead took a break to give birth to a veritable litter of Rudolph-Andersons. Sure, she has been in a ton of movies and TV shows since her departure, but it always feels like she's flying under the radar, not quite rising to the heights that a person as talented as she is can reach (I did not mean to include as many flying/bird analogies in this post). While Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, two of her SNL compatriots, became supa-dupa famous after they left Studio 8H, Rudolph stayed just moderately well-known, her only real breakout moment being when she pooped in the street in Bridesmaids.

Anything for a laugh.

Well, if last night's one hour variety show, The Maya Rudolph Show, is any indication, now is the Age of Maya. Though the special was a little light on laughs (especially in the second half-hour), it was a great showcase for how amazing Maya Rudolph is as a performer (not to mention how great she is at wearing a variety of sparkly dresses). Even among a cavalcade of guest stars, including Tableau Your Mind favorite Kristen Bell, the elements that shone brightest were pure Rudolph. Like Carol Burnette and, um, Rosie O'Donnell before her, Maya took to the stage with a comedian's bravado the chops to back it up. She hoofed, she sang, she did a few regrettable accents. She did anything for a laugh, and even included a few moments where laughter wasn't the point. Watching old The Carol Burnette Show clips online, I was amazed by how often the sketches weren't about the comedy – it was about highlighting the guests and friendships and giving audiences little peeks into their lives. Now, in a world where we know everything about celebrities, from their preferred birth-control rings to their thoughts on healing crystals, it's a delightful throwback to just watch stars perform as themselves. Chris Parnell's song to his newborn was a particular highlight:

Really, that's all a lot of lead up to explain why Maya Rudolph, despite exhibiting a love of all things old, is the comedy star we need now. Television, and particularly television comedy, has shifted monumentally in the last few years. Changed in part by shows like Poehler's own Parks and Recreation, what has arisen is comedy built on collaboration and friendliness more than snark and resentment. Sure, the TV landscape is full of Louie's and Louie-wannabes, but more and more there is a space for television where everyone gets along and all anyone wants is to have a good time. Shows like Broad City, Playing House, The Middle, and Key and Peele get as many viewers from the actual jokes as they do from the camaraderie exhibited among the casts. People can only handle so much 'depressing' – they want to see people getting along. And nobody seems as attuned to that friendly frequency as Maya Rudolph. She's our maternal and funny gal-pal. I mean, there's a reason she can so effortlessly play all of America's most powerful women: Michelle Obama, Oprah Winfrey, Beyonce Knowles, Phylicia Rashad. She's the performer we need and the comedic actress we deserve.

It's time for the Rudolph revolution! It's time for Maya to shine!

Film Review: The Other Woman...But Also a Ton of Other Movies

Three Women on a Mission

Last weekend, I saw the not-really-all-that anticipated movie The Other Woman, starring a slew of women (Cam-ron D, Aimee Leslie Mann, and Kate Upton) who find out that their man (Nicolaj Coster-Waldau) isn't solely theirs, which prompts a little scheming and a lot of day-drinking. I went into the movie theater with historically low expectations (26% on Rotten Tomatoes and all), but it is actually a pretty decent flick (if you can get past how grating Cameron Diaz is and how bad at acting Kate Upton is). However, it's not exactly the most original movie in the world. In fact, almost every single moment in the movie feels reminiscent of an earlier, often better movie. To help illustrate that, I broke down the movie into its many parts, examining where exactly it was pulling its influences. That's right, it's time to talk percentages!
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The Other Woman is:

25% The Entire Plot of John Tucker Must Die

The movie's clearest companion is the high-school revenge flick John Tucker Must Die. In the movie, three high school students find out they're all dating the same guy and plan a series of hilarious pranks to get back at him. Take out high school, and that's pretty much The Other Woman. Of course, being a teen-driven movie, the pranks in John Tucker are pretty tame, and mostly involve the titular Tucker seeming like a totally rad dude. In John Tucker, you actively root against the women. In The Other Woman, you really only root against Cameron Diaz, but only because she's judgmental and inconsistently damning of slutty behavior.

09% The Vanity Pranks and Dumb Girl of Mean Girls

There are more Mean Girls similarities in The Other Woman than first meet the eye. Sure, both movies involve trying to make a blond person look less attractive and feel less confident (hair-loss pranks and estrogen smoothies are the male equivalent of Kalteen bars). But, even more than pranks, Kate Upton is clearly just a grown-up version of Amanda Seyfried's lovable idiot Karen Smith. And, while we're on percentages, it's important to note that there's a 30% chance it's already raining.

04% The Creepy Children in Children of the Corn

The Other Woman has two things in common with the children who live amongst the corn: the leads (including but not limited to lothario Nicolaj Coster-Waldau) often act soulless, AND there's not a brunette among them. Even Nicki Minaj (as Diaz's assistant) is blonde for most of the movie. Apparently diversity in The Other Woman meant making sure that Leslie Mann's blonde was strawberry. Blond People: 18% of the US population, 100% of this movie's population.

25% Diane Keaton and the Coordinated Outfits of The First Wives Club

Sisters are doing it for themselves.

When I went into see The Other Woman, I had high hopes that it would basically be a newer version of  The First Wives Club, a 90s insta-classic about three friends who team up to get back at the husbands who did them wrong. It's a fantastic movie that's all about bonding together as women towards a common goal. The Other Woman would be a lot like TFWC if it focused more on Leslie Mann, whose life is turned upside down when she finds out her husband is sleeping with a myriad women. Leslie has to learn to be brave, to stand up to her husband after years of neglect have left her unable to speak her mind. That's Diane Keaton in TFWC in a nutshell (they both have a similar, nasally voice as welll). Also, Leslie goes after her husband's business, which is pretty much exactly what Diane does in her movie. If anything, The Other Woman should have worked harder to be like TFWC. That movie had heart, a pro-feminist message, and the ability to really sell the female friendship angle. In The Other Woman, most of that is swept under the rug so that the characters can figure out their own rom-com sub-plots. At least the women in The Other Woman do occasionally wear coordinated outfits – so they got something right.

02% The Closet Porn from 13 Going on 30

Cameron Diaz has an enviable closet filled with a veritable treasure trove of quality clothing. So, just like Jennifer Garner before her, Cameron realizes that her closet is a great place to hang out with her new lady BFF. And while that party is happening, Pat Benatar's Love is a Battlefield needs to be playing, because that's how you make sure that a closet party is successful, dammit!

06% Don Johnson's Character from When in Rome

In The Other Woman, Don Johnson plays Cameron Diaz's father, an older man constantly going through a divorce with bimbo after bimbo who is nonetheless a fount of wise relationship advice. You may be confused, since that is basically the same character he plays in When in Rome, the underrated rom-com starring one Ms. Kristen Bell.

09% Beautiful Locales and Slow-Motion Beach Boobs of Just Go With It

Bo Derek basically perfected the slow-motion, tropical-locale beach run in 10, but I'm going to go with Brooklyn Decker's slo-mo walk out of the ocean as the clearest connection to Kate Upton's beach activities in The Other Woman, if only because the camera's attention is firmly on the chest and not at all concerned with the beaded hair.

04% "Federal, Pound-Me-in-the-Ass Prison" from Office Space

As an audience member, probably one of the most delightful parts of the movie is hearing Leslie Mann babbling incoherently about what life in prison will be like. She's pretty sure she's going to be someone's plaything in the joint.

02% Cameron Diaz Talking about Pubic Hair from that Book where Cameron Diaz Writes about her Pubic Hair

Cameron Diaz, even as a fictional character, can't stop talking about intimate carpet cleaning. She advises Leslie Mann to keep some hair down there, but keep it groomed. Solid advice, C-Diff (which is a terrible nickname for Cameron Diaz that should in NO WAY catch on. DO NOT spread it like wildfire).

05% Nicolaj Coster-Waldau's Jaime Lannister in Game of Thrones

Jaime Lannister (played by Coster-Waldau) is a character that audiences go back and forth between loving and hating.  Sure, he pushed a kid out a window, but he also formed a wonderful relationship with Brienne of Tarth. But then he basically [spoiler alert] raped his sister next to the corpse of their dead son. But he's so freaking charming! He may be difficult to like, but you also kind of want to root for him. Such is the case with Nicolaj Coster-Waldau's dog-of-a-husband in The Other Woman. Even when he's being a complete dick, he's still pretty likable. At least the movie recognizes this, and makes much of the film about the women resisting the temptation to fall back into his arms.

08% Leslie Mann's Character in Knocked Up

For the last 6 years or so, I have found myself occasionally in the position of defending Leslie Mann's characters in film. Mann is a fantastic comic actress, and I find her both incredibly funny AND emotionally moving on film. In The Other Woman, she's once again called on to play a nagging housewife who, despite her husband's indiscretions, can't seem to stop loving him. It's a difficult line to toe, and she is fantastic. Like I said above, this movie would have been 100% better if it was more about Leslie Mann and the struggles in her marriage and less about anything else.

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So, that's pretty much the makeup of the film. Like I said, it's almost 100% other movies. It could be called The Other Movie, it's so unoriginal. Of course, mathematicians in my readership may notice that the numbers above only add up to 99%. That's because of the many featured shots of Nicki Minaj's butt. As she is wont to tell you, that baby is all original.

Film Score: B- (but fun!)

Made up of:
25% John Tucker Must Die (C-)

25% The First Wives Club (A+)
09% Just Go With It (D)
09% Mean Girls (A-)

08% Knocked Up (A-)
06% When in Rome (B-)
05% Game of Thrones (A)
04% Children of the Corn (C)

04% Office Space (A)
02% 13 Going on 30 (B+)

02% Cameron Diaz's Body Book (I mean, the sky's the limit)

01% Nicki Minaj's assets (A)

Hit Or Miss: Quick Movie Reviews 6

Hello once again.

It's time to crawl out from under the Veronica Mars rock where I've been staying to look at some of the other movies that are currently out in the universe. And, since I'm blessed with an inordinate amount of free time on the weekends (take that, people with kids and/or friends), I have basically seen all the movies. Since I know that some of the readers do not have all the time to skulk around theaters, Phantom of the Opera-style, I have compiled a helpful list of movies that are worth HITting the cinema for, and movies that can be MISSed. That's right, 'tis time once again for a little Hit or Miss!

Muppets Most Wanted

It's not easy being green.

The Story: Directly following the events of the first movie, the Muppets head out on a European tour. It isn't long, though, before Kermit is replaced by the villainous frog and Kermit doppelganger Constantine, the most wanted criminal in the world. While Kermit tries to escape a Russian Gulag (and becomes chummy with guard Tina Fey in the process), Constantine and his cohort Dominic Badguy (Ricky Gervais) carry out successful museum heists while hiding under the alibi of the Muppets tour. Things get complicated, songs get sung, feelings get hurt, and Miss Piggy sings a sad duet with Celine Dion. You know, totally normal Muppet stuff.

Pros: I loved the first of the new Muppets movies, but one thing that it was rightly criticized for was focusing more on the human characters than the Muppets themselves. In this sequel, it's back to Muppet Classic, with humans adding color to the movie but not driving the plot. Ty Burrell and Ricky Gervais have interesting parts, but Tina Fey is really the only important human in the movie, and she's great. Like, really great. There are some other cameos (I won't spoil anything) that also add to the fun. The music, while not quite as great as the songs in the previous movie, is undeniably catchy. The movie is also incredibly fun and goofy, and some of the large plot holes are explained away by a general positive vibe. It's a feel-good delight. Plus, in my opinion, any time spent with the Muppets is time well spent.

Cons: While the film is generally great, it's also incredibly meta. As an audience, you're never allowed to forget that this is a movie, and that none of it is real. The Muppets make mention of it consistently throughout the movie.  Also, I'm a little tired of wondering whether or not Miss Piggy and Kermit are married (I've seen at least 2 weddings), which is a major plot point of the movie.

Consensus: It's funny, it's light-hearted, and it's a fun addition to the recent spat of great kid's movies (Frozen, The LEGO Movie, etc.). Also, you get to hear Tina Fey say "Good night, Danny Trejo" in a Russian accent.

Hit/Miss: HIT this movie up. it's a fun time.

The Grand Budapest Hotel

At The Grand Budapest,
everyone is checking out.
Like, they're being murdered.

The Story (Or, rather, the story within the story within the story): Gustave H. (Ralph Fiennes) is a concierge at a super swanky hotel. When he is framed for the murder of one of the hotel's ultra-rich clients (Tilda Swinton), it's up to a young lobby boy to clear his boss's name and break him out of jail (and effectively woo a young pastry chef played by Saoirse Ronan). Along the way, they run into a who's who of Wes Anderson mainstays, including Jeff Goldblum, Bill Murray, Edward Norton, Adrian Brody, Jason Schwartzman, and MORE!

Pros: Moonrise Kingdom, Wes Anderson's movie previous to this one, also happened to be one of the best movies ever (not The Royal Tenenbaums good, but still). This movie's not quite at that level, but it is the most Wes Anderson-y movies that Wes Anderson has ever Wes Anderson-ed.  That means audiences get cracker-jack pacing, blunt and direct dialogue, great actors hanging out and being great, and a beautiful and rich color palette. Also, it's good to see Ralph Fiennes being funny and with a normal-looking nose.

Cons: Again, it's the most Wes Anderson-y movie in the history of movies, and the director's twee sensibility can be a bit much at times. Also, the plot involves a lot of murder and quasi-Nazis, and sometimes it's difficult to watch your favorite actors get murdered, be murderers, and/or be kind of Nazis (in the movie, the fascist group is called The Zig-Zags). Also, something bad happens to a cat, and it's either the funniest or most frightening thing you'll ever see, depending on how you feel about cats.
Consensus: If you like Wes Anderson movies, you will like this movie. If you don't, then this movie isn't going to win you over.
Hit/Miss: Again, I really enjoyed this movie, and it's a delight, but you can probably MISS it for now and catch it on DVD.

Nymphomaniac: Vol. 1

love.

The Story: After being beaten and left in an alley, sex addict Joe (Charlotte Gainsbourg) is taken in by a man named Seligman (Stellan Skarsgard) and nursed back to health. While resting, she recounts her many tales of sexual deviance in a somewhat clinical manner, and her rescuer compares said sexual encounters (some of which involve Shia LaBeouf) to fly fishing, classical music, and the Fibonacci Sequence. The film, which is part one of a two-part film, is both strikingly forward and maddeningly snooty.
Pros: Despite the film's premise and its 'we're going to show you more vaginas, penises, and butts than you've ever seen on-screen before' attitude, the movie is incredibly funny, and often that's on purpose. Stellan Skarsgard is quite funny as Seligman, a man who is gentle and unassuming but who will porbably turn out to be a monster in Vol 2. Uma Thurman is scrumtrulescent as Mrs. H, the cuckolded wife of one of Joe's paramours; I honestly wish that the movie was just about her. Also, the actress playing Young Joe, Stacy Martin, is impressive in basically her first acting role. Also, possibly a Pro, there are a number of fairly explicit sex scenes that kind of hint at the strange banality of sex while still being fairly hardcore. Still not sure how to feel about them.
Cons: The movie, and the director Lars Von Trier, tries so hard to be daring and bold, and it feels like everyone is trying to hard. It's like when a teenager smokes in front of her parents, daring them to call her on it, "I'm not your little girl anymore" practically screaming behind her eyes. But really, all those boobs and butts and dongs just feel kind of silly, and it feels less like Von Trier is trying to get at a universal truth about the human experience and more like he's trying to justify his own demons. Also, Christian Slater and LaBeouf try unsuccessfully to have some sort of accent in the movie, and both of their attempts are laughingly bad. Also, this movie is so pretentious. It's "using a bidet while Queen Elizabeth II spoon-feeds you caviar and reads the New Yorker out loud" level of pretentiousness.

Consensus: I'll wait until after I see Vol 2 to fully form my opinion, but right now the movie is more spectacle than substance, and I could have done without the strange PowerPoint presentation of sad wangs.
Hit/Miss: I'm going to go with MISS for right now, but maybe the second half will win me over. Also, be sure you're 100% comfortable watching this movie with other people. It can get a bit weird at points.

Veronica Mars

She's got a taser and a camera,
and she's not afraid to use 'em

The Story: Okay, I said I was going to forget about this movie for a while, but I also just realized that I never actually reviewed it. So, here we go. Veronica Mars follows a young woman (the titular Mars, played by Kristen Bell) and former private detective as she returns home to a life she left behind in order to clear her ex-boyfriend (Logan Echolls, played by Jason Dohring) of murder charges and attend her high school reunion. She's tried for 9 years to leave her old life behind her, but the past has a way of sneaking up on old Veronica Mars.
Pros: If you're a fan of the television show of the same name, then there's a good chance you will like this movie. So, let's just talk about Pros for newbies. If you're going into this movie with fresh eyes, there is still a lot to love: tortured romance, big brawls, explosions, noir-style detective shenanigans, and more. The real reason to see this movie, though, is Kristen Bell, an actress who has never found a role quite as good as the damaged youth she played for three seasons on TV. Bell, like other TV stars before her, hasn't quite found her niche in film, though she's admirably shuffled through cheesy rom-coms that Katherine Heigl would turn down and delightful indies that nobody saw. This is her big-screen chance to play a fantastic character, and she doesn't disappoint.
Cons: The movie can be hard to get into as a non-fan (here's a helpful primer for people who haven't seen the series), but even as a fan there are plot points and character notes that are difficult to swallow. The central plot moves along nicely, but so much of the story involves plot points that are never resolved, in a way that makes the movie feel like the first episode in a much-longer series. Also, there is a clunky 'addiction' metaphor laced throughout the film, and it's super heavy-handed. We get it – Veronica, like her mother, battles with an addiction, but, unlike her boozy mama, Veronica is addicted to... solving murders? Or something?

Consensus: This movie is important, and I hope it does well so that other 'gone-but-not-forgotten' television series have some sort of life, be it a movie, or a comic book, or a spinoff musical.  What's dead may never die.
Hit/Miss: I mean, HIT. How often do we get to see complicated female characters on screen?

Well, that's it for this edition of Hit or Miss. Go forth and watch movies. You'll be glad you did.

'Veronica Mars': A Primer for Noobs

I want Veronica Mars to be a success, so here is my attempt to get butts in the seats. While it's true that the movie is mostly for fans of the television series, I sincerely believe that it can be enjoyable for everyone. You've got a great, noir-esque feel, a simple and engaging mystery, and a leading lady with all the right moves. Also most of the movie is pretty accessible from a non-fan perspective, and the first third is devoted to getting everyone caught up. Still, there are a few things that just don't make sense if you haven't seen the show. Below is a catch-up tool to make sure that nobody enters the theater without the proper knowledge. Dropping knowledge in 3...2...1...

The Veronica Mars Movie Is Upon Us, And It's Important

March 14th might well go down as one of the most important dates in cinematic history, and nothing major is happening. Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt aren't sitting down with Oprah to discuss their (seemingly decades-spanning) divorce. George Clooney won't reveal that his whole career has been one long prank, and he's really a married father of two from Topeka. Alfred Hitchcock probably isn't coming back from the dead, ready to declare war on the blondes and homosexuals that he loves and hates so much. No, Friday, March 14th is the official premiere date for the little Kickstarter movie that could: Veronica Mars.

Now, I don't mean to be hyperbolic, but the Veronica Mars movie is a genuinely important touchstone in film and television history. Over the last decade or so, there has been a power shift in the way fans of shows are treated by the general public and by the very people and shows that they are fans of. It used to be that die-hard fans were relegated to the sticky floors of Conference Room B, desperate for a view of a C-List actor at whatever half-hearted convention was being thrown.  Filmmakers like George Lucas derided the fans' input (he has since – wisely – recanted on his earlier beliefs), and there was shame even among the fans themselves. Carefully homemade Star Trek uniforms were shoved to the back of closets, their owners frightened that anyone outside of a 'con' know of their existence (requisite

Jennifer Lawrence Is Our Evita Peron (go with me on this one)

So, I was listening to the soundtrack to Evita and watching The Hunger Games at the same time last night. (That's right, I'm pretty awesome) After the movie ended, Jennifer Lawrence and Evita (the person) were temporarily yet strongly smushed together in my brain. In my defense, Lawrence and Evita Peron have a lot of things in common. I'm going to make a list right now, and, because one of the women is dead, the verb tenses are going to get a little tricky.

So, both women are actresses, they both rose to fame at a relatively early age, they moved from small towns to big cities to chase their dreams (Louisville, KY isn't exactly small, but it's no New York), their hair often changes color wildly from brunette to blonde, they both received incredible acclaim early in their professional lives (Oscar winner, First Lady of Argentina), and at one point, despite massive economic and political turmoil, they were the most fascinating thing happening in their respective countries. More than that, though, they both exude an everywoman, working class sensibility while also somewhat representing the ideal woman (up for debate, personal preference, covering my own ass with this parenthetical note, etc). So, obviously, I had to combine one of my favorite songs in Evita with GIFs of Jennifer Lawrence:

The 'Veronica Mars' Movie is Happening!

Dick, Logan, Keith, Veronica, Mac, and Wallace

There has been a lot of good pop culture news recently. The trailer for the new Hangover movie came out and doesn't look terrible, Joss Whedon's Much Ado About Nothing seems like it's going to be awesome (though it can never touch the majesty of Kenneth Branagh's 90s version), and Bunheads on ABC Family got renewed for a second season. No news, however, is quite as exciting as yesterday's announcement that there is actually going to be a Veronica Mars movie. Hinted at for some time by lead actress Kristen Bell, it all seemed like an unattainable dream until the Kickstarter campaign started yesterday morning. They were looking to get $2 million in 30 days, and they've already gotten $2.7 million in donations in a little over a day. So, yeah, this movie is happening.

Created by Rob Thomas (not this guy), Veronica Mars is a California-set neo-noir television series following a pint-sized sleuth (Bell played the titular Veronica) as she navigates the

Tableau Your Mind's 200th Post!

It took a little under two years to make it happen, but Tableau Your Mind has finally reached its 200th blog post. You're reading it RIGHT NOW! They say it only takes a person 16-21 times to make doing something into a habit, and it definitely feels like, after 200 posts, we have moved beyond "habit" and into "psychopathic fanaticism." Over these 200 labors of like, we have written about topics covering all elements of popular culture, including food, movies, music, television, and so much more. We've done posts on Hollywood "It" Couples, Hipster Babies, and Pedophilia in Film. We've compared the stars of Tangled and Salt and looked at what would happen if Mr. Feeny suffered a "Wardrobe Malfunction." We've doted on 30 Rock, Kristen Bell, Doctor Who, Harry Potter, and Batman, and hated on Kristen Stewart, Slow Motion in Indie Movies, and Easy Mac. We've even learned how to pronounce Gotye, just in time for him to become culturally irrelevant. We really wouldn't believe that there were 200 posts if it weren't for the photographic evidence:

Kristen Bell Breakdown = Adorable

Dear Kristen Bell,

Friends have told me that my love for you isn't healthy.

They say 'Sure, Veronica Mars was great, but maybe it's time to let go'

They tell me I should get a hobby, 

like rock collecting, rock climbing, or rock identification 

(I have a lot of geologist friends)

Sometimes I wonder if they are right, that I should stop devoting so 

much time to you and focus on more valuable pursuits.

Like helping out in Darfur. Surely Don Cheadle would approve.

But then you go and do something adorable, 

like have a stage 5 meltdown about

the possibility of meeting a sloth.

And then I just love you more.

Ever yours,

Tableau Your Mind

TV Review: House of Lies

You can't see what's under those bars.
She can, but you can't

House of Lies premieres this Sunday on Showtime, and, thanks to the lovely people at Showtime and the venerable artists of YouTube, the pilot was available for viewing ahead of time (sans Showtime’s trademark nudity). The show stars Don Cheadle (Hotel Rwanda, Rush Hour 2) as Marty Kaan, management consultant and family man. His life is very of-the-moment. He consults for the 1% yet uses the 99% to aid him in his endeavors. In the real world his life would be enviable, with a posh apartment, sexy consorts, and sexier consorts. Except this is a Showtime show, so he is an absolute wreck. The first few minutes of the show find him waking up next to his druggie-ex-wife (who is so out of it that she doesn’t really remember their previous night of boning) and then going into the kitchen to explain to his gender-confused son and his father why ex-wifey is there at all. Then, he flies to New York with his cracker-jack management consultant team, which includes Veronica Mars and Jean Ralphio (Kristen Bell and Ben Schwartz) as well as some other guy (Josh Lawson), all