Nov 29, 2012

Liz Lemon's Relationships: A List [30 Rock]

Liz Lemon and her Many Men
Over the past seven seasons of 30 Rock, we've watched as Liz Lemon has worked to have it all: the perfect job, a great apartment, a plant/baby, and a man to share all of those things. And we have also watched as she has failed to get any of the things she wanted (baby steps, Liz). Then, beginning in Season 6, things started to line up for old Liz Lemon. She began renovations on her apartment, she started talking about babies, and she found someone that accepted all of her crazy. That man was Criss Chros, and tonight she’s going to make an honest man out of him and put a ring on it.

We don't know if this road will end in happiness or in failure (we assume a mixture of both), but we do know that the long journey to the altar/courthouse has included its fair share of romantic roadblocks for Elizabeth Miervaldis Lemon. So, on her very special day (which, per the save the date, should not be looked at ‘in a creepy way that perpetuates the idea that brides are virgins and women are property), we looked back at the many men in Liz's storied romantic past. And we ranked them, because assigning value to things is fun. Also, we didn't include Jack Donaghy, because, although they were married for a very short period of time, we wouldn't consider what they had romantic. It was no Meat Lovers Pizza. Now, on to the list:

16. Warren "Grizz" Griswold (Grizz Chapman)
Though their relationship is barely seen on screen, Liz and Griz (also known by their couple name Egrizabeth) clearly have a chemistry that knows no bounds. Still, it didn't stop her from being his woman of honor at his wedding (to his fiancé Feyoncé). So, we'll call this love affair up as a blip on her sexual radar in comparison to the love torpedoes that followed (Ugh, we swear we didn't want to make that sexual – the metaphor just sort of got away from us).
Relationship Quote:
Grizz: You know my every thought, Beth. We really were the Sam and Diane of this place.

15. Jamie (Val Emmich)
Also known as the guy who dates Liz because she reminds him of his mom, Liz gets quite a bit of mileage out of being a cougar for just one episode. It’s a pretty forgettable relationship, but it does allow Liz to show how cool she is. She’s even been to Gnarls Barkley's official website!
Relationship Quote:
Liz: Give it up, Jenna. You're talking to an ultra-sound.
Jamie: Now I'm getting attitude from the sexy librarian over here.
Liz: What? Sexy? You are. Shut up.

14. Gray "The Hair" (Peter Hermann)
He was perfect, but he was related to Liz. So, not future there.
Relationship Quote:
Liz: If you're a gay guy looking for a beard, I don't do that anymore.

13. Jack "Danny" Baker (Cheyenne Jackson)
Danny was a sweet little piece for Liz to reenact all her sexual fantasies involving Larry Wilcox's character on CHiPs. And he rubbed her knee pits in a way that we’ll never understand, because a lady never tells. Eventually he broke up with her because he felt he was getting in the way of the real love story of 30 Rock (Liz and Jack), but before that they had quite the enjoyable run.
Relationship Quote:
Danny: All right, so we're getting into it, and she takes off her glasses. Real sexy… Then, she makes me go down to the deli to get her a sandwich…But under that dress, I can tell she's wearing some weird underwear.
12. James Franco and Kimiko
It stands to reason that the most famous person with whom Liz has been, well, intimate with was also the briefest.  When Franco started dating TGS star Jenna Maroney as a way to curb rumors that he was in a pseudo-sexual relationship with a body pillow named Kimiko, it was only a matter of time before he fell into Liz's arms. Their courtship was brief and weird enough to inspire Liz's gay cousin to get the next train back to his rural, coal-mining hometown.
Relationship Quote
James Franco (lying about his relationship with Kimiko): Objects are made by men, and used for many purposes… but we never… love… objects

11. Steven Black (Wayne Brady)
It was only a matter of time before Liz dated a Black. That's not offensive; it's his last name. Steven was the anti-Liz. He blogged about Star Wars (the strategic defense initiative, not the fantasy movie with the monsters), loved commemorative tote bags, and was one of the more insufferable characters to ever grace the show. Because breaking up with him only fueled Steven's theory that she was a racist, it took an accidental shooting to get him out of her life. The worst part: he got blood on his tote!
Relationship Quote:  
Liz: So what you're saying is that any woman that doesn't like you is a racist.
Steven: No, no, no, no, no. Some women are gay.

10. Gretchen Thomas (Stephanie March)
Even though the relationship was doomed from the outset, Gretchen Thomas nonetheless is probably the most stable person that Liz Lemon has ever dated. Of course, neither their shared interests nor their fear about choking alone in their respective apartments could make up for the fact that one lesbian and one woman with bi-curious shoes does not a relationship make.
Relationship Quote:
Gretchen: I can’t be around you anymore.
Liz: That’s funny. That’s what the guys always say.

9. Gavin Volure (Steve Martin)
There was really no future with Gavin once he revealed that his shut-in status had less to do with his agoraphobia and more to do with the fact that he was under house arrest for a bevy of white collar crimes (including racketeering, and nobody knows when that is). Still, he’s Steve Martin, and he only had eyes for Liz. If only he had paid more attention to counting the men.
Relationship Quote:
Liz: I thought I was helping him when I let him hold my boob while we watched Top Chef!

8. Conan O'Brien (Conan O'Brien)
This relationship existed before the show began, and this gangly ginger still obviously holds a special place in Liz Lemon’s heart. In their few moments together in "Tracy Does Conan," you can definitely sense the chemistry.  If only his constant guitar playing hadn't gotten in the way of their love.
Relationship Quote:
Liz: You still, um… How's your wife?
Conan: Let’s not do this, Elizabeth.
7. Carol Burnett (Matt Damon)
Despite having one of the greatest entries into the series (Yeah, I’m a doorman… to the sky), pilot Carol Burnett was never really given a chance to develop anything resembling strong character traits. He waffled between over-emotional buffoon to overly-stubborn gun-wielder. He was at least funny, and he wore his pilot hat sideways when he danced. If he hadn't tried to kill Liz, he would probably be a lot higher on this list.
Relationship Quote:
Carol: Lizzy, if something were to happen, I want you to know that I...I need you to go to Raleigh to my apartment and just clear out all the porn before my mom gets there. I also need you to Tivo Bones for me in case I survive.

6. Stewart LaGrange (Peter Dinklage)
He works at the U.N., which is super cool, but this relationship was doomed from the minute Liz mistakenly thought he was a little kid. And when she kept doing it, it became a little offensive and definitely a deal-breaker. Peter Dinklage is one of our all-time favorite people and actors, so we kind of wish he had lasted more than an episode on 30 Rock. If only Liz's reenactment of the Sex and the City movie hadn't gone so horribly awry.
Relationship Quote:
Liz: You know me: spend my lunch hour walking up and down Sixth Avenue, lookin' for a hot meal.
Jack: Okay, classic Lemon man-eater

5. Drew Baird (Jon Hamm)
Drew started out as the perfect man (he's handsome, loves Muppets, bakes, is a pediatrician or something), and Liz fell for him…hard. But things hit a rough patch when the relationship moved a little too fast during an eventful first date (on Valentine’s Day) and got worse when Liz realized that Drew’s handsomeness had kept him in a protective "bubble," where everyone treated him amazingly despite being terrible at pretty much everything.  Not wanting to leave the bubble, Drew spoke some nonsense and tried to ride a motorcycle off into the sunset. When he eventually lost both his hands in ridiculous accidents, nobody was surprised.
Relationship Quote:
Liz: Drew - so handsome, so, so stupid

4. Dennis Duffy (Dean Winters)
Dennis Duffy is Liz's most oft-recurring boyfriend on 30 Rock, and it's easy to see why. Despite being a racist, misogynistic, and homophobic, he is one of the most likable characters on the show. He basically represents every part of Liz that Liz tries to suppress. He's loud, mean, and obnoxious, and, at her worst, so is she. He's her id, and he's cool with sex being fast and only on the weekends, which is just the way LL likes it.  That being said, he's a human train wreck, and his deficiencies include being an (exonerated) Dateline predator, attempted murderer, balloon boyer, and much worse. He may be the funniest thing ever, but funny only gets you so far.
Relationship Quote:
Dennis: When I saw you getting ready to go out and get nailed by a bunch of guys last night, I knew for sure it was over between us, and for the first time since the '86 World Series, I cried... I cried like a big, dumb homo. And if it was up to me, we'd be together forever. But there's a new thing called "women's liberation", which gives you women the right to choose, and you have chosen to abort me, and that I must live with. So tonight, when you arrive home, I'll be gone. I officially renounce my squatter's rights.

3. Criss Chros (James Marsden)
Liz’s possible husband (we’ll see how things unfold tonight), Criss and Liz’s relationship originally created a bit of an uproar in the fan community. With Criss in her life, Liz suddenly seemed more relaxed, more willing to let things go. She became a better person, and fans balked at the idea that all Liz needed to be happy was a man. It flew in the face of everything that the show had been saying about feminism (it's like those Dove commercials never happened). Still, once Criss became more of a character, it was obvious why he had such a great effect on Liz: he is legitimately an awesome person. He's slow to anger, he loves salt & pepper shakers that are shaped like hearts, and he calls Liz on her crap. He actually is a nice complement to her crazy, and that's really all we could ask for. The fact that he would rather watch Dance Moms than have sex is just gravy.
Relationship Quote:
Criss: Happy three month anniversary, and happy two week anniversary of you going to the bathroom when I'm here.

2. Wesley Snipes (Michael Sheen)
The pessimist in us kind of wanted Liz to end up with Wesley, her settling soulmate. He’s so wrong for her on every level, but Liz settling down with a less-than-perfect man would have actually been pretty brilliant. Sure, he loves the white wines of Scotland, and he mentions the British version of Friends (Chums) with too much verve, but his terribleness and general misunderstanding of English was a joy to behold. When he came back for Sweeps (that’s what they call Spring Cleaning in England), we were hoping for the saddest reunion of all time. Instead, after actually being engaged to Liz for a hot minute, he lost her (who will make him seem less gay at work functions?!) to the world’s most erratic pilot, Carol. It left us wishing for more and dreaming of what could have been. So many awkward dinners, so many years of seething hatred barely contained under over-politeness and mean birthday cards.
Relationship Quote:
Wesley: The universe wants us to settle for one another. We’re each other’s settling soulmates.

1. Floyd DeBarber (Jason Sudeikis)
And so we arrive at Liz's Number One Paramour. Floyd, AKA Flower Guy, is basically everything Liz needs and wants in a boyfriend. He’s funny, Jack likes him, and he really, legitimately understands Liz. Which is why Cleveland claimed him, because, in the 30 Rock universe, Liz isn't allowed to be happy. Sure, Floyd has his faults, but things like being a recovering alcoholic and having some father issues only made him more human. If he hadn't gotten married to a Pilates instructor who doesn't have any female friends because her body is so rockin', we would've expected a last minute "speak now or forever hold your peace" type of scenario at the wedding tonight. We can always hope.
Relationship Quote:
Floyd (drunk): How are you single, Liz? There are so many guys out there who want to be poisoned and yelled at.

We don’t know what the wedding of Criss and Liz will entail, and we’re not sure whether we actually want to see Liz with a man who tries to sell all-pork hotdogs at a parade attended primarily by Jews. Still, we do want to see Liz happy. And call us sappy, but we love when the swarthy girl gets the guy.

What do you think of the ranking? Think Wesley is her Hombre Numero Uno? Does Kimiko-tan deserve her own ranking? Let us know in the comments!
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