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| Liz Lemon and her Many Men |
We don't know if this road will end in happiness or in
failure (we assume a mixture of both), but we do know that the long journey to
the altar/courthouse has included its fair share of romantic roadblocks for
Elizabeth Miervaldis Lemon. So, on her very special day (which, per the save
the date, should not be looked at ‘in a creepy way that perpetuates the idea
that brides are virgins and women are property), we looked back at the
many men in Liz's storied romantic past. And we ranked them, because assigning
value to things is fun. Also, we didn't include Jack Donaghy, because, although they were married for a very short period of time, we wouldn't consider what they had romantic. It was no Meat Lovers Pizza. Now, on to the list:
16. Warren "Grizz" Griswold (Grizz Chapman)
Though their relationship is barely seen on screen, Liz and
Griz (also known by their couple name Egrizabeth) clearly have a chemistry that
knows no bounds. Still, it didn't stop her from being his woman of honor at his
wedding (to his fiancé Feyoncé). So, we'll call this love affair up as a blip on
her sexual radar in comparison to the love torpedoes that followed (Ugh, we swear we
didn't want to make that sexual – the metaphor just sort of got away from us).
Relationship Quote:
Grizz: You know my every thought, Beth. We really were the
Sam and Diane of this place.
15. Jamie (Val Emmich)
Also known as the guy who dates Liz because she reminds him
of his mom, Liz gets quite a bit of mileage out of being a cougar for just one
episode. It’s a pretty forgettable relationship, but it does allow Liz to show
how cool she is. She’s even been to Gnarls Barkley's official website!
Relationship Quote:
Liz: Give it up, Jenna. You're talking to an ultra-sound.
Jamie: Now I'm getting attitude from the sexy librarian over
here.
Liz: What? Sexy? You are. Shut up.
14. Gray "The Hair" (Peter Hermann)
He was perfect, but he was related to Liz. So, not future
there.
Relationship Quote:
Liz: If you're a gay guy looking for a beard, I don't do that anymore.
13. Jack "Danny" Baker (Cheyenne Jackson)
Danny was a sweet little piece for Liz to
reenact all her sexual fantasies involving Larry Wilcox's character on CHiPs. And he rubbed her knee pits in a
way that we’ll never understand, because a lady never tells. Eventually he
broke up with her because he felt he was
getting in the way of the real love story of 30 Rock (Liz and Jack), but before that they had quite the
enjoyable run.
Relationship Quote:
Danny: All
right, so we're getting into it, and she takes off her glasses. Real sexy… Then, she makes me go down to
the deli to get her a sandwich…But under that dress, I can tell she's wearing
some weird underwear.
12. James Franco and Kimiko
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It stands to reason that the most famous person with whom
Liz has been, well, intimate with was also the briefest. When Franco started dating TGS star Jenna Maroney as a way to curb
rumors that he was in a pseudo-sexual relationship with a body pillow named
Kimiko, it was only a matter of time before he fell into Liz's arms. Their
courtship was brief and weird enough to inspire Liz's gay cousin to get the next train
back to his rural, coal-mining hometown.
Relationship Quote
James Franco (lying about his relationship with Kimiko): Objects
are made by men, and used for many purposes… but we never… love… objects
11. Steven Black (Wayne Brady)
It was only a matter of time before Liz dated a Black.
That's not offensive; it's his last name. Steven was the anti-Liz. He blogged
about Star Wars (the strategic
defense initiative, not the fantasy movie with the monsters), loved
commemorative tote bags, and was one of the more insufferable characters to ever grace the show.
Because breaking up with him only fueled Steven's theory that she was a racist,
it took an accidental shooting to get him out of her life. The worst part: he
got blood on his tote!
Relationship Quote:
Liz: So what you're saying is that any woman that doesn't
like you is a racist.
Steven: No, no, no, no, no. Some women are gay.
10. Gretchen Thomas (Stephanie March)
Even though the relationship was doomed from the outset, Gretchen Thomas nonetheless is
probably the most stable person that Liz Lemon has ever dated. Of course, neither their shared interests nor their fear about choking alone in their respective
apartments could make up for the fact that one lesbian and one woman with bi-curious shoes does not a relationship make.
Relationship Quote:
Gretchen: I can’t be around you anymore.
Liz: That’s funny. That’s what the guys always say.
9. Gavin Volure (Steve Martin)
There was really no future with Gavin once he revealed that
his shut-in status had less to do with his agoraphobia and more to do with the
fact that he was under house arrest for a bevy of white collar crimes (including racketeering, and nobody knows when that is). Still, he’s Steve Martin, and he only had eyes for Liz. If only he had
paid more attention to counting the men.
Relationship Quote:
Liz: I thought I was helping him when I let him hold my boob
while we watched Top Chef!
8. Conan O'Brien (Conan O'Brien)
This relationship existed before the show began, and this gangly ginger still obviously holds a special place in Liz Lemon’s heart. In
their few moments together in "Tracy Does Conan," you can definitely sense the
chemistry. If only his constant guitar
playing hadn't gotten in the way of their love.
Relationship Quote:
Liz: You still, um… How's your wife?
Conan: Let’s not do this, Elizabeth.
7. Carol Burnett (Matt Damon)
Despite having one of the greatest entries into the series (Yeah, I’m a doorman… to the sky), pilot Carol Burnett was never really given a chance
to develop anything resembling strong character traits. He waffled between
over-emotional buffoon to overly-stubborn gun-wielder. He was at least funny, and he wore
his pilot hat sideways when he danced. If he hadn't tried to kill Liz, he would probably be a lot higher on
this list.
Relationship Quote:
Carol: Lizzy, if something were to happen, I want you to
know that I...I need you to go to Raleigh to my apartment and just clear out
all the porn before my mom gets there. I also need you to Tivo Bones for me in case I survive.
6. Stewart LaGrange (Peter Dinklage)
He works at the U.N., which is super cool, but this
relationship was doomed from the minute Liz mistakenly thought he was a little kid. And when she kept doing it, it became a little offensive and definitely a
deal-breaker. Peter Dinklage is one of our all-time favorite people and actors,
so we kind of wish he had lasted more than an episode on 30 Rock. If only Liz's reenactment of the Sex and the City movie hadn't gone so horribly awry.
Relationship Quote:
Liz: You know me: spend my lunch hour walking up and down
Sixth Avenue, lookin' for a hot meal.
Jack: Okay, classic Lemon man-eater
Liz: Cat Sound!
5. Drew Baird (Jon Hamm)
Drew started out as the perfect man (he's handsome, loves Muppets, bakes,
is a pediatrician or something), and Liz fell for him…hard. But things hit a
rough patch when the relationship moved a little too fast during an eventful first date (on
Valentine’s Day) and got worse when Liz realized that Drew’s handsomeness had
kept him in a protective "bubble," where everyone treated him amazingly despite
being terrible at pretty much everything.
Not wanting to leave the bubble, Drew spoke some nonsense and tried to
ride a motorcycle off into the sunset. When he eventually lost both his hands
in ridiculous accidents, nobody was surprised.
Liz: Drew - so handsome, so, so stupid
4. Dennis Duffy (Dean Winters)
Dennis Duffy is Liz's most oft-recurring boyfriend on 30 Rock, and it's easy to see why.
Despite being a racist, misogynistic, and homophobic, he is one of the most
likable characters on the show. He basically represents every part of Liz that
Liz tries to suppress. He's loud, mean, and obnoxious, and, at her worst, so is
she. He's her id, and he's cool with sex being fast and only on the weekends,
which is just the way LL likes it. That
being said, he's a human train wreck, and his deficiencies include being an
(exonerated) Dateline predator,
attempted murderer, balloon boyer, and much worse. He may be the funniest thing
ever, but funny only gets you so far.
Relationship Quote:
Dennis: When I saw you getting ready to go
out and get nailed by a bunch of guys last night, I knew for sure it was over
between us, and for the first time since the '86 World Series, I cried... I
cried like a big, dumb homo. And if it was up to me, we'd be together forever.
But there's a new thing called "women's liberation", which gives you
women the right to choose, and you have chosen to abort me, and that I must live
with. So tonight, when you arrive home, I'll be gone. I officially renounce my
squatter's rights.
3. Criss Chros (James Marsden)
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Liz’s possible husband (we’ll see how things unfold tonight), Criss and Liz’s relationship originally created a bit of an uproar in the fan community. With Criss in her life, Liz suddenly seemed more relaxed, more willing to let things go. She became a better person, and fans balked at the idea that all Liz needed to be happy was a man. It flew in the face of everything that the show had been saying about feminism (it's like those Dove commercials never happened). Still, once Criss became more of a character, it was obvious why he had such a great effect on Liz: he is legitimately an awesome person. He's slow to anger, he loves salt & pepper shakers that are shaped like hearts, and he calls Liz on her crap. He actually is a nice complement to her crazy, and that's really all we could ask for. The fact that he would rather watch Dance Moms than have sex is just gravy.
Relationship Quote:
Criss: Happy three month anniversary, and happy two week anniversary of you going to the bathroom when I'm here.
Criss: Happy three month anniversary, and happy two week anniversary of you going to the bathroom when I'm here.
2. Wesley Snipes (Michael Sheen)
The pessimist in us kind of wanted Liz to end up with
Wesley, her settling soulmate. He’s so wrong for her on every level, but Liz
settling down with a less-than-perfect man would have actually been pretty
brilliant. Sure, he loves the white wines of Scotland, and he mentions the
British version of Friends (Chums) with too much verve, but his
terribleness and general misunderstanding of English was a joy to behold. When
he came back for Sweeps (that’s what they call Spring Cleaning in England), we
were hoping for the saddest reunion of all time. Instead, after actually being
engaged to Liz for a hot minute, he lost her (who will make him seem
less gay at work functions?!) to the world’s most erratic pilot, Carol. It left us
wishing for more and dreaming of what could have been. So many awkward dinners,
so many years of seething hatred barely contained under over-politeness and
mean birthday cards.
Relationship Quote:
Relationship Quote:
Wesley: The universe wants us to settle for one another. We’re
each other’s settling soulmates.
1. Floyd DeBarber (Jason Sudeikis)
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| This. |
Relationship Quote:
Floyd (drunk): How are you single, Liz? There are so many
guys out there who want to be poisoned and yelled at.
We don’t know what the wedding of Criss and Liz will entail,
and we’re not sure whether we actually want to see Liz with a man who tries to
sell all-pork hotdogs at a parade attended primarily by Jews. Still, we do want to see Liz happy. And call us sappy, but we love when the swarthy girl gets the guy.
What do you think of the ranking? Think Wesley is her Hombre Numero Uno? Does Kimiko-tan deserve her own ranking? Let us know in the comments!
What do you think of the ranking? Think Wesley is her Hombre Numero Uno? Does Kimiko-tan deserve her own ranking? Let us know in the comments!
