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| Eau De La Trine |
Guest blogger Eau De La Trine takes one for the team,
reviewing movies that are ‘hard to watch’ so that you don't have to.
Hello, Internet. In this new review series, I'll be tackling
films with cringe-worthy subject matter and uncomfortable themes. Offensive
language and explicit content? Yeah, I'll watch that. Craptastic violence?
Sexual perversity? You Betcha! Overuse of experimental film devices? Give it
here.
“Why,” you ask? Because, frankly, watching uncomfortable
movies is uncomfortable, and no one wants to suffer through that. Take these
awkward true-life scenarios from my life, which I hope to spare you from:
On dating:
Awkward college boy: Sup,
LaTrine? So you're, like, a college sophomore and it's painfully obvious you've
never been on a date before. Wanna go to the movies?
Me: Fer sure, you're hot.
Want to see the new Todd Solondz movie, because that's the only pretentious
indie film playing right now at the Knoxville Megaplex, and you look pretty
'artsy' or whatever?
Come to realize 20 minutes into my very first date that
the movie I've carelessly selected,
Happiness, is the world's most
infamous pedophilia/incest/masturbation romp of all time, thus branding me as
a total perv-nymph and ruining my chances for lifetime love. Sigh.
On family:
Awkward parents: Hey guys, family
movie night! Dust off the ol’ popcorn popper, and let's hunker down to a family
Instant Watch flick! LaTrine, move over to make room for your brother.
Me: Since I'm the only one who went
to art school here, I got this. Ok…here's Zoo, which I think is a Black
Stallion remake or whatever. I guess horses can be cool and it looks pretty
'artsy' or whatever."
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| Love. |
Come to realize halfway through a family-sized bowl of
popcorn that this ain't no remake, and this horse farmer has a serious crush on
his stallion. A big sexy, naughty crush that turns into a seriously explicit
physical romance. Wait, did my little brother just eat all the popcorn!?
On work:
Boss: LaTrine, I'm going to need
you to pick out an ‘artsy’ film or whatever to review with our 12 new interns.
In the office with the lights on. And oh, I also invited your ex-boyfriend from
college and your kid brother…
Okay, not a true story, but you see where I'm headed. I have
a long personal history of picking the most disturbing movies in the most
awkward situations – now I just want to do it professionally. I’m Daniel Boone,
exploring an extremely perverted America so that the rest of you can
proceed with a guide, and a little protection.
And I want to prove that these hard-to-watch movies are not
be totally meritless. Zoo? Yeah, I watched it, and what I found
underneath all that frothy unbridled bestiality was a tender tale of friendship
and true love. So join me as I delve deep down the dark hole of film and the
many incredibly uncomfortable subjects therein:
- Pedophilia (because sometimes "jail bait" is a subjective concept)
- Geriatric sex (never okay - See picture below)
- Rape and Sodomy (the non-sexy variety)
- Incestual Relations (Victorian England and modern-day West Virginian)
- Homosexuality (the sexy variety)
- Racism & Gender Discrimination (wait, are these still issues?)
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| Let's Do This. |
We'll also cover difficult art-film themes such as:
- Masturbation as Art Film (I'm talking to you, Vincent Gallo)
- God-Awful Acting (I'm talking to you, Rosie O'Donnell)
- and the dreaded Foreign Film (subtitles!)
Want to know if that sexy new Philip Seymour Hoffman movie
is suitable to play at your daughter’s Bat Mitzvah? Heard that new flick from Spain was
awesome, but you just had Lasik surgery and can't be bothered with all those
damn subtitles? Homophobic yet still paradoxically invested in Jake
Gyllenhaal’s career? Let me shoulder that burden, to be your incredibly
understanding and experienced Sherpa in the unknown mountains of Controversy.
Come, climb with me.
