Apr 12, 2012

New Column Alert – Hard to Watch!

Eau De La Trine
Guest blogger Eau De La Trine takes one for the team, reviewing movies that are ‘hard to watch’ so that you don't have to.

Hello, Internet. In this new review series, I'll be tackling films with cringe-worthy subject matter and uncomfortable themes. Offensive language and explicit content? Yeah, I'll watch that. Craptastic violence? Sexual perversity? You Betcha! Overuse of experimental film devices? Give it here.

“Why,” you ask? Because, frankly, watching uncomfortable movies is uncomfortable, and no one wants to suffer through that. Take these awkward true-life scenarios from my life, which I hope to spare you from:

On dating:

Awkward college boy:  Sup, LaTrine? So you're, like, a college sophomore and it's painfully obvious you've never been on a date before. Wanna go to the movies?
Me:  Fer sure, you're hot. Want to see the new Todd Solondz movie, because that's the only pretentious indie film playing right now at the Knoxville Megaplex, and you look pretty 'artsy' or whatever? 

Come to realize 20 minutes into my very first date that the movie I've carelessly selected,
Happiness, is the world's most infamous pedophilia/incest/masturbation romp of all time, thus branding me as a total perv-nymph and ruining my chances for lifetime love. Sigh.

On family:

Awkward parents: Hey guys, family movie night! Dust off the ol’ popcorn popper, and let's hunker down to a family Instant Watch flick! LaTrine, move over to make room for your brother.
Me: Since I'm the only one who went to art school here, I got this. Ok…here's Zoo, which I think is a Black Stallion remake or whatever. I guess horses can be cool and it looks pretty 'artsy' or whatever." 

Come to realize halfway through a family-sized bowl of popcorn that this ain't no remake, and this horse farmer has a serious crush on his stallion. A big sexy, naughty crush that turns into a seriously explicit physical romance. Wait, did my little brother just eat all the popcorn!?

On work:

Boss: LaTrine, I'm going to need you to pick out an ‘artsy’ film or whatever to review with our 12 new interns. In the office with the lights on. And oh, I also invited your ex-boyfriend from college and your kid brother…

Okay, not a true story, but you see where I'm headed. I have a long personal history of picking the most disturbing movies in the most awkward situations – now I just want to do it professionally. I’m Daniel Boone, exploring an extremely perverted America so that the rest of you can proceed with a guide, and a little protection.

And I want to prove that these hard-to-watch movies are not be totally meritless. Zoo? Yeah, I watched it, and what I found underneath all that frothy unbridled bestiality was a tender tale of friendship and true love. So join me as I delve deep down the dark hole of film and the many incredibly uncomfortable subjects therein:
  • Pedophilia (because sometimes "jail bait" is a subjective concept)
  • Geriatric sex (never okay - See picture below)
  • Rape and Sodomy (the non-sexy variety)
  • Incestual Relations (Victorian England and modern-day West Virginian)
  • Homosexuality (the sexy variety)
  • Racism & Gender Discrimination (wait, are these still issues?)
Let's Do This.
 We'll also cover difficult art-film themes such as:
  • Masturbation as Art Film (I'm talking to you, Vincent Gallo)
  • God-Awful Acting (I'm talking to you, Rosie O'Donnell)
  • and the dreaded Foreign Film (subtitles!)
Want to know if that sexy new Philip Seymour Hoffman movie is suitable to play at your daughter’s Bat Mitzvah? Heard that new flick from Spain was awesome, but you just had Lasik surgery and can't be bothered with all those damn subtitles? Homophobic yet still paradoxically invested in Jake Gyllenhaal’s career? Let me shoulder that burden, to be your incredibly understanding and experienced Sherpa in the unknown mountains of Controversy.

Come, climb with me.
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