Well, the Golden Globes happened, and it was about as unruly and bonkers as a controlled night of self-flattery can be. Hayden Panettiere showed up and looked old, Daniel Day Lewis won and also did the E.T. finger, Anne Hathaway thanked someone for ‘the best string of yesterdays’ she has ever had, and Dog President stars Darcy St. Fudge and Damian Francisco were robbed. Tableau Your Mind is currently in India, so we enlisted the help of guest blogger Bro-sie the Riveter, who is in Seattle, so that we can represent the most easterly and westerly people watching the Golden Globes:
Tableau: Over here in India, all the commercials starred Aishwarya Rai. I assume the same was true over there.
Bro-sie: Basically. Except it was Sofia Vergara talking about Pepsi.
T: So, the Golden Globe Awards… was a thing that happened. Let's first just say that the main reason that we tuned in, besides our love of all things TV and film, was to see Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.
B: Completely agree. And I am disappointed at the lack of them.
T: There was clearly not enough of them in the broadcast, though they were around to represent the film Dog President, which was pretty great.
B: It's like there was way too much Ricky Gervais in the last couple Golden Globes and now that they actually have two classy ladies up there they're just going to stick them behind awkward presenters.
T: It seemed like Ricky Gervais never left the stage when he hosted.
B: I wonder what the actual difference in screen time was, though. It was really that, when we watched Gervais, we constantly wanted him to leave, and when we watched Tina and Amy we wanted more of them.
T: Because when they were on stage, they were luminous. It took them a while to loosen up, but their jab at T-Swift was glorious.
B: And I was a fan of the James Cameron zinger as well. Swift and Cameron are probably the worst specimens of both genders. Also, I tried to combine luminous and hilarious but all i got was luminarious, which sounds like luminaria.
T: So…Argo thoughts?
B: Okay so Argo was probably one of my favorite movies of the past year but I'm pretty sure it’s because it combined my love of CIA thrillers with my love of '70s period pieces.
T: Indeed, I love a wide lapel. And Clea Duvall was in it, and that certainly worked on my love of '90s teen movies. And I thought the speech that Ben Affleck gave and the one that the other Argo dude gave were pretty nice.
B: Yeah even though Affleck talked a mile-a-minute he still said worthwhile things. Plus, Anne Hathaway didn't interrupt either speech, which was a nice change of pace.
T: Now, you're on the record as hating Les Mis, and I was certainly not a fan. But nothing prepared me for the terribleness that was Anne Hathaway tonight. She was insufferable. And this is coming from someone who loves her.
B: I hate everyone who was part of Les Miserables.
T: Because you hate beauty.
B: Fact. You know, I wouldn't have minded if Les Mis won Best Musical or anything but the idea that Musical/Comedy is the same category is worse than Anne Hathaway's haircut.
T: It's a weird category, to be sure. Why can't musicals, be they comedy or drama, stand on their own merits?
B: yeah I think they should at least be separated out.
T: So, the moment that a lot of people will be talking about is Anne Hathaway stealing the spotlight away from Les Mis to thank some randos that she forgot... awkward, expected, or both?
B: Awkward and unexpected, I would say. You have a certain allotted time to thank people; let someone else talk when they're representing the whole movie.
I love Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck so much.
B: I knowwww. Best power couple.
T: Seriously. I just want to be one of their daughters. Is that weird?
B: Haha I think it's pretty normal. That's my aspiration.
ALSO VICTOR GARBER! I wish he and Jennifer Garner gave the Argo speech and it ended with "I wish I could've built you a better award ceremony, Rose." That way, every movie/TV reference I ever wanted could be fulfilled and I’d be able to die.
T: Yes, we forgot to mention what a big night it was for Alias. Victor Garber ran up late for Argo, Bradley Cooper was nominated for Silver Linings Playlist, Jennifer Garner was a presenter, and Lena Olin was there, because her husband directed Salmon Fishing in the Yemen.
Wait, are you getting a Titanic reference in there?
T: Are we the only two people actively following Victor Garber's career?
T: Have you ever noticed that his ears are radically different? One of them sticks out really far. It's...adorable
B: One might call him Victor GarbEAR
T: HAH! Now, the win for Argo did mean an upset for Zero Dark Thirty, which only won one award, I think.
B: Yeah, I feel like Jessica Chastain and Claire Danes winning made someone in the Hollywood Foreign Press Association scream "Shit! Shit! Too many women/CIA people are winning. Let's just give it to Affleck."
T: Yeah, though he represents the 'Man CIA' caucus. Basically, it was a big year for the CIA. And again, all I'm thinking about is Alias.
Sydney Bristow is a much better agent than Carrie Mathison and 'Maya.' Just sayin'.
Sydney Bristow is a much better agent than Carrie Mathison and 'Maya.' Just sayin'.
B: But none of them are as good as Ben Affleck because they're women and therefore inferior.
B: I mean Tony Mendez. Also, can we talk about how Tony Mendez was like "What the fuck am I doing here?" and "Why is Bill Clinton here?"
T: Bill Clinton was there because the whole awards ceremony was basically an amalgamation of all the various sex dreams I've had over the years. The 90s were a confusing time for me.
B: I don't have anything to add to that.
T: Well, then let's move to TV. Girls, for instance. I know you want to rant. Is the show even a comedy?
B: The thing is that I don't know if I even want to rant. I've had a lot of feelings about Girls, and I don't know how to talk about it…
T: …without seeming like someone who hates women?
B: What I am trying to say is that Girls is not a comedy the way that Veep/30 Rock/Parks and Recreation are comedies. Therefore, Lena Dunham is not a comedian the way that Julia Louis Dreyfus/Tina Fey/Amy Poehler are comedians. So, judging that award makes no sense to me.
T: That's exactly how I feel. Girls is as good a reason to create a 'Dramedy' category as any. I do like the show, but it's not gut-bustingly funny.
B: I don't know. I just feel so deflated about Lena Dunham's win. Did you see Tina Fey's face when Lena said "you helped get me through middle school"? Priceless. I'm actually really upset. Give it to a comedian. Like TINA!
B: I think I'm insanely jealous of Lena Dunham.
T: I am too. I'm a funnier, chunkier lady than she will ever be. Why don't I have a Golden Globe?
B: I'm just happy they played a Robyn song when they went up to accept the award.
T: I'm just happy at the amount of boob Allison Williams sported on stage.
B: So much boob. Anyway, Girls’s designation as a comedy is a larger question about television genres, and, once we break down genre, it means that awards shows in general are kind of useless.
And then my brain hurts.
T: Then let's pretend we didn't talk about it, because I love awards shows and I don't want to question their existence. Let's just talk about whatever was happening with Jodie Foster.
B: What the f-ck was going on? Even Mel Gibson looked surprised at her behavior.
T: I kind of get why she's friends with Mel Gibson now. They just sit around, watch Maverick, and try to out-crazy each other.
B: Also, Mel Gibson is a lesbian and is on so much coke right now
T: So much coke. He's also mad at Jodie Foster for taking all of his Ambien.
B: Definitely. Otherwise her speech would've balanced out. Maybe she was trying to explain the plot of The Beaver.
T: Where's Anton Yelchin and Jennifer Lawrence when you need them!?
B: Or Adele for that matter!
T: Was Adele in The Beaver? Did she write the theme song?
B: Yes she did. OMG Jennifer Lawrence was in The Beaver?
Is a revelation
I’m gonna watch her entire filmography. I love her
T: Yeah. Skip The Beaver. Which is NOT the name of Jodie Foster's autobiography.
T: Let's get back to Adele - did you see the side-eye that T-Swift was shooting when Adele won for best song?
B: I didn't! I hope she treats the Golden Globes like one of her exes.
T: Well, she has to; she didn't date Harry Styles long enough to get a whole album. Now, I love both songs, but Adele is clearly the better person and speech giver. And she was the good kind of drunk.
B: I would say that “Skyfall” was clearly a better song. Even though I do have the Hunger Games soundtrack. Whoa – I just realized that Skyfall was also about spies but wasn't nominated for as many awards. SO MANY SPIES
Also, I may hate on Les Mis, partially because it seems like they think they were part of the most special movie making ever on Earth, BUT, I have to say, listening to Quentin Tarantino and his crew talk about Django seemed equally obnoxious.
T: Indeed. His speech was pthghf (That's a fart noise)
B: that's just the way his face is (a fart).
T: Bam! Zings are coming fast and loose tonight.
Let’s wrap up. It was supposed to be a big year for ladies, but it ended up being a big year for spies, Alias fans, and Jodie Foster's psychiatrist.
B: And her publicist, apparently. What if Jodie Foster is a spy?
T: A spy?
B:...Gat-spy? 3D! I think I just figured out Hollywood.
T: Any last thoughts?
B: Well, after their amazing presenting job, I’m also feeling a lot of Kristen Wiig/ Will Ferrell love.
T: Tommy Lee Jones's reaction shot was priceless. It looked like genuine hate.
B: That was the best thing in the world, and it might have been.
Also, Jeremy Renner has the saddest mustache.
T: I think you mean Jeremy Renner's Mustache has the saddest Jeremy Renner.
B: Hahaha fair point.
T: Anything else?
B: VICTOR GARBER!