Oct 29, 2012

Halloween Costumes For The Pop-Culturally Savvy

Hello Tableau Your Minders,

It's been a while since this blog has seen any content. I've been busy with work, busy with life, and now I'm busily trying to survive Hurricane Sandy and all that the Frankenstorm has to offer.  But I shouldn't be taking that out on you. When parents fight, the children suffer, and when bloggers are preoccupied, the readers suffer. And on this spookiest of days, with branches rapping against my door and rain beating tirelessly against my windows, we turn to Halloween.

Halloween has always held a special place in my heart. I Trick-or-Treated for far more years than any child should. My costumes were often overly complicated and without fans. My stint as a cow hell-bent on the humans who'd done his family wrong was met with a trip to Principal Korn's office and mixed reaction from my Kindergarten class. My attempt at wry sports humor was tepidly accepted when I went door to door as a frostbitten, zombie Packers fan. And, in college, when I went as a Drug Attic (complete with needles, spiders, some siding, and an old rug), the general consensus was that I was trying too hard.

Well, I don't want you to be stuck in my situation, where high-mindedness gets in the way of candy, drunkenness, and whatever other debauchery passes your way.  So, here is a list of pop-culture costumes that are sure to delight, and they're simple enough that they won't confuse the random drunken lay-person who stumbles across your path:

7. Nicole Kidman's Forehead
What happens when an unstoppable force meets an immovable object? Try to punch Nicole Kidman in the forehead and find out. Her very frozen forehead is one of Hollywood's greatest assets, and it was on full display this year in Hemingway & Gellhorn and The Paperboy, where she also drops her pants and peed on Zac Efron and has a really disturbing, public masturbation sesh. Even with all that business around her hoo-ha, we were still focused on her above-eyebrow area. Which, honestly, how is that even possible? So, as a Halloween option, cut out a section of cardboard, paint it peach, and watch the compliments roll in. Wear tan pants and bring a large needle filled with Botulinum Toxin Type A (Botox) if you really want to sell the illusion.

6. Game of Thrones Khaleesi and Dragon
It's really hard to find the right costume, but it's even harder to find a good couples costume. Well, look no further than this one, which pays tribute to one of the best shows of this year and one of the best book series that I can't bring myself to read. In Season 2 of Game of Thrones, Daenerys Targaryen basically spent episode after episode screaming about her dragons.  "WHERE ARE MY DRAGONS!!!" she would yell, to basically anyone she ran into. So, ladies, dress up as Danaerys (Blonde wig, blue dress, angry eyes), and, gentlemen, dress up in any dragon/dinosaur costume you can find. Then, separate, get really plastered, and spend the rest of the night searching for each other. 

5. Naked Kate Middleton
If you're going to be slutty this Halloween, you might as well be slutty and creative. So, nude up, grab some modesty blocks, and go out for the night. It's going to be a cold one, so make sure that you are going to an indoor party. Also, don't be an idiot. Put on shades and a wig, because when photos of you make it to Facebook you're going to need plausible deniability to get out of violating the decency clause in your contract. Which, I imagine, is what Kate had to do to get out of getting fired as a princess.

4. Snow White and the Walk of Shame
If there was one news story we couldn't stop talking about this year, it was the dissolution and reunion of Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson. Why not pay tribute to the deed that tore their couplehood apart in the first place: K-Stew's affair on the set of Snow White and the Huntsman. To make this incredibly awesome costume, rent a Snow White dress (really, any princess dress will do), rough it up appropriately, and make sure your hair and makeup is a little grosser than usual. Kick off your princess heels, put on some Chuck Taylors, and go walking. Also be sure to bring a palpable sense of ennui and regret. This is no stride of pride, it's a walk of shame.

3. Catwoman
Want to impress your kids with your pop culture know-how? Kind of want to mess with them a little at the same time? Well, then, pay tribute to one of the year's biggest blockbusters by donning the costume of Gotham's slinkiest villain. The great thing about a Catwoman costume is that there are so many eras to choose from, and the best way to make your kids wish they were adopted is to pick the wrong one. We recommend Michelle Pfeiffer-era Catwoman, because it is the best Catwoman. Pair it with a winter coat, because it's cold out there and your body doesn't bounce back as quickly as it used to.

2 and 1. Politics Time
Do you want to dress as something political, but you don't understand politics? Did all those people dressed as Binders of Women look bulky to you rather than creative? Well, then, look no further than this gem of an idea. Don't dress up as something political, dress as someone who is political. Namely, dress as a celebrity. And make sure that celebrity is super dumb, otherwise it might actually seem like you're trying to make a point. If you want to go Romney, dress up as Lindsay Lohan (who, admittedly, has changed her mind a few times since she made her first GOP-endorsement). If you want to go Obama, go Honey Boo Boo. Sure, the Honey Boo Boo costume is a bit overdone, but most people are doing Pageant Boo Boo. I'm asking that you do white trash Honey Boo Boo with an election slant. Check out the pics for more inspiration. The best thing about both these people is that the drunker you get, the better the costume gets. Also, both of these costumes work for men and women.

So, there you have it, some fool-proof costumes to delight party-goers around the world. I've got more, but I don't want to overwhelm you. If you have a great pop-culture costume, let me know in the comments and I'll draw you a pic.

 What's really important is that you go out and party hardy. I'll be under the covers, trying to survive.


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