It's My Birthday!

July 30th (TODAY) is my birthday. I was birthed many years ago on this very day. Since I haven't ever really written my name on this blog, you're probably trying to figure out which famous person I am: Lisa Kudrow or Arnold Schwarzenegger.  I could easily be either, but, if I'm being completely honest, I'm more similar to the picture to below than either of the aforementioned A-listers:

My photoshop, my selfie

Anyway, I thought I should do something special on this blog to commemorate occasion. So, in the same way that birthdays are spent recognizing hard work and regret, I thought it best to take a look back at the Tableau Your Mind articles that never were, the articles that never quite made it to print. Often, by the time I draw a picture or draft an article, the subject matter doesn't hold any interest. Often I just don't have an opinion on something, or I'm being lazy, or the world has forgotten the thing I set out to write about. Whatever the reason, I have, over the years of writing this blog, amassed a pretty large collection of useless pictures and article snippets. Here are some lost articles from the past year of my life:

Season 4 of Arrested Development

The gang's all here.

Arrested Development is definitely one of my favorite shows of all time. And I very much expected the 4th season on Netflix to be a welcome return to form. And while I enjoyed the new season immensely, I wasn't quite awed by it like I had been the previous three. The comedy felt strained, the first 3 episodes were mired in lazy and confusing exposition, and there wasn't nearly enough Buster. I'm very pro-this show, but I was also too apathetic to write anything down.

Doctor Who's Clara Oswin Oswald Mystery

Run, you clever boy. And remember...

Like many Whovians the world over, I had my own theories about who the mysterious and plucky Clara Oswald really was. I drew many of her incarnations, aware all the while that any of the Claras I was seeing might prove to be the answer to the mystery. The real story behind her was... confusing and unexciting and didn't require any clue searching at all. So, the whole project was scrapped. Still, pretty reds and blues.

Emma Thompson in Beautiful Creatures 

Emma Thompson camped it up for the young-adult novel-turned-film Beautiful Creatures. I combed through reviews to find any mention of her, and made this little diagram of her best reviews in the film. However, I forgot to actually see the movie until months later, so all was for naught.

Taken 2

I probably should have posted this drawing to highlight my very particular set of skills. But, alas, I didn't, possibly because the picture somehow seems more racist than the movie itself.

Hulk Hogan Sex Tape

This was momentarily a thing, if you recall.

The Heat

So, this movie happened, and it was funny and uneven and interesting. I'm a big fan of Sandy Bulls, but she was under-served here, and Melissa McCarthy was funny but expected - she's had loads better material than this. Still, it was a fun film, and I wish I could have written something about it.

Carrie Mathison in Homeland

I thought an article on Homeland would be fun to write, but I was too afraid of giving away pertinent plot points and I faltered.

Mad Men's Maddening Men

Sisters are doing it for themselves.

There are many things that I love about Mad Men, but this season I was more interested in its failings. Particularly, I was confused by the fact that, while the female characters are finely drawn and interesting, the male characters often behave more like TV show characters than real people. They often do things that go against everything their characters have become and worked towards, just to move the plot forward. It's maddening. But that's just a sad fact - it's not that interesting. So this picture of Peggy and Joan is all that remains of that article idea.

"How Did This Get Made" Podcast - Ep. #52: Reindeer Games 

Paul Scheer, June Diane Raphael, and Jason Mantzoukas host a podcast where they go in-depth into movies that aren't quite Oscar-worthy, and wonder how they got made. They "have a good time, celebrate some failure, not sure be a hater." In the episode going through Reindeer Games, June mentioned that the sex scenes were strangely shot, so that it looked like Charlize Theron was having sex with a centaur-Ben Affleck instead of normal, human Ben Affleck (she actually said "Minotaur," but that was quickly corrected). So I drew this picture. And didn't know what to do with it.

 White House Down

"Danger Zone!"

This movie was a heckuva lotta fun, and I drew this picture. But then America completely ignored it, and I kind of forgot that this picture existed until I was writing this article. So, that's a fun story. Channing Tatum looks angry, and I reused the explosion from The Heat (that's a behind-the-scenes tidbit you wont get anywhere else).

It's fun to look back at the past year, but it's also easy to see these forgotten photos and article snippets as failings. But I started this blog as a gift to myself, as a way to put some of my own opinions out into the universe, to add my voice to the throngs of people screaming at a vengeful yet benevolent Pop Culture god. With these pictures, I like to think that I'm just making my voice louder.

Happy Birthday to us all!