Nov 27, 2012

Film Review: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 2

We couldn't bring ourselves to see The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 2, because even saying the name makes us feel ridiculous, so we deputized Guest Blogger Bro-sie the Riveter to review it for us:

I read the Twilight books four years ago during Thanksgiving break of my senior year of high school. I bring this up because the book of Breaking Dawn is probably one of the most insane things I've ever read. There are weird no-sex-before-marriage and anti-abortion undertones mixed with the fact that an adult werewolf falls in love with a baby and it's okay. A third of the book is told from the pedo-wolf's (AKA Jacob's) perspective, because Bella is pregnant and no one wants to listen to a pregnant lady talk about her problems. So the fact that the producers take out that part, and then split the story into two movies leaves very little to piece together in this finale. 

The screenwriter, Melissa Rosenberg, tries to make this final movie into a concluding chapter of an epic. The one major flaw is that The Twilight Saga is anything but an epic. We establish that Bella is a vampire now, meaning she doesn't breathe, has amazing posture, and basically acts like a statue – Which gets rid of 90% of K-Stew’s acting style (i.e. heavy breathing, slouching, and having nervous tics like running her hands through her hair). But that just leaves blank eyes and her pretending to be an animal. She also hilariously almost kills some mountain climber who should probably die anyway because he's on a cliff in the middle of nowhere without any rope, but Edward stops her. So instead, she eats a mountain lion.

Bella's vampire sister-in-law, Alice, builds her and Edward an adorable cottage in the woods. It's basically a teenage girl's fantasy: post-marriage bliss, having a baby, and being a vampire allows you to have sex forever. I'm serious. This house is basically a sex house. After the most uncomfortable PG-13 foreplay ever, they quickly cut to Edward and Bella
lying on the ground in front of the fireplace. Bella says, "we don't ever get tired, need to breathe or go to the bathroom. How do we ever stop?" But I guess they get bored or whatever, or Bella realizes that her father doesn't know she's alive.
Bella and Edward - Sexytimes
Apparently Bella wants her dad to live in eternal agony over what happened to her, because she ignores his phone calls and then is all ready to move away. An annoyed Jacob goes to Bella's dad and strips down to his skivvies in this scene that’s kind of homophobic. Billy Burke says, "Whoa, put your clothes on son!" and it's hilarious because he thinks Taylor Lautner is some kind of gay, but instead he's a werewolf. LOL, jokes on you! So they bring Bella's dad back and he just drinks all the time, his alcoholism once again casting a sad shadow over the series.

Renesmee and Jacob - Awkward
This entire movie is about Bella's half-vampire baby, Renesmee and no one really knowing what to do about her. Seriously, these vampires have been around for centuries and this is the first time they've heard of a vampire/human mutt. Besides the baby being the weirdest CGI creature on the planet, Jacob (as previously mentioned) has this "wolf thing" where he "imprints" on her. This means when he sees her for the first time, she's all he cares about. He's there for her until she grows up and then I guess they're supposed to be together. It's never quite revealed at what point he actually is physically attracted to her, but whatever. Everyone just sits around playing piano and doing nothing for like a million years, probably because they can't show everyone is just in the sex house all the time. 

But oh wait, 30 minutes in Rosenberg tries to remember what a plot is, and finally introduces the antagonist, the evil Volturi vampire family who are anti-Cullen. Michael Sheen does a Dr. Evil impression, and Dakota Fanning looks really mad all the time, most likely because she had to be in The Runaways with Kristen Stewart. The Volturi use the excuse of the half-vampire baby to attack the Cullens. The movie just turns into a barrage of clichéd montages:

  1. The gathering of the troops. The Cullen Clan has to travel across the world to find the most stereotypical vampires to be on their side. This consists of long scenes of Renesmee touching people because she can show them her thoughts. Also the rag-tag group of vampires is mostly made up of bit-actors from other TV shows and movies.
  2. The training. Bella has this power where she can shield herself and her friends from other vampires' special powers. BUT that means Kristen Stewart really has to concentrate, and it looks like attempting to stop bodily functions at both ends.
  3. The false hope. Bella realizes that Alice, who abandoned them earlier, left her a note in The Merchant of Venice (Meta-hint to comedy? God, I hope so.). So she goes to Seattle to talk to Bunk from The Wire, who I guess retired from Baltimore police to be a PI who gives travel documents to vampires.
  4. The final showdown. The Volturi v. Cullen and Friends. It's a little heated in this constant snowy wonderland that is most definitely NOT the Pacific Northwest -- Forks only gets 13 inches of snowfall a year and it all happens during Twilight battles.

 SPOILERS AHEAD (Skip blue paragraph to avoid)

So, there’s this bizarre fake-out ending in which like half the main characters die.  The best part is watching Michael Sheen rip off Peter Facinelli’s head, and hearing collective gasps from the audience. We find out that the 10 minutes of character slaughter we just watched was actually a psychic vision. Girls were hyperventilating and literally screaming out "Thank God!" when they found out it wasn't real. This fake-out just proves how much the story pales in comparison to Harry Potter. JK Rowling knew she was writing an epic, where there had to be a final battle scene, and that people had to die. Stephanie Meyer, instead, was writing a romance where the showdown was the most anti-climactic thing on the planet, and Bella's special shield power saves everyone.


The Twilight Saga ultimately is not about Good vs. Evil, it's about falling in love. At the end, everyone pairs off, and we just glaze over the wolf/baby thing as best we can. At one point in the movie Edward is talking to Carlisle (Peter Facinelli) about how he feels bad because all of this happened because he fell in love with a human. Carlisle just replies, "We understand. You found your mate."  Excuse me? If the highest stakes in this world are 'finding your mate,' how can we derive any meaning whatsoever from these stories? Which is why I say sit back, drink a little, and watch this absurd comedy unfold. It's been a great four years, Twilight. I wouldn't give them back for anything.

Guest Blogger Bro-sie the Riveter currently resides in the non-lame part of Alaska. She has red eyes, hates garlic, and sparkles in direct sunlight. She is not a vampire. Oops, we've said too much. A bunch of Volturi just killed her.
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