Nov 14, 2012

Hundreds of Attractive Men Injured or Dead as Channing Tatum Crowned Sexiest Man Alive

Channing Tatum Sexily Exits the Arena, Triumphant
In a scene reminiscent of Lord of the Flies or The Hunger Games, but with decidedly more body oil, Channing Tatum emerged from the People Magazine Sexiest Man-nasium this morning triumphant, the head of Bradley Cooper in his hands and the teeth of his victims adorning his neck.

The battle royale for the crown began a few weeks ago, and soon the dead bodies were too attractive and numerous to fathom. Tatum, who many felt was an underdog in the competition, soon rose in esteem with his affable nature. His tactic of luring victims in with his ease and confidence and then killing them with quick fighting maneuvers, which could only be described as an
explosion hip-hop dance moves and deadly force, soon made him a crowd favorite.

Some of the older men in the arena didn't last the first day, and Adrian Brody and Ryan Gosling were soon done in by the same nose-trap that caught Roberto Benigni in 1997. It was Cooper, the reigning King of Cool and Host of Hotness, who posed the greatest threat, his French language skills and possibly-southern charm winning over opponents and fans alike.

But it was the leaner, hungrier Tatum who eventually claimed victory, seemingly through sheer pervasiveness in the arena and an indefatigable need to entertain. He left the abs, pectorals, and defined arms and legs of his opponents bent, broken and glistening in the sun as he ascended to the throne and engaged in a final battle that onlookers described as ‘anticlimactic’ and ‘uncomfortable to watch.’

All-in-all, the death toll may prove to be disastrous to the film community, with many producers scrambling to find the next big thing, going so far as to fly to Australia to see how many Hemsworth brothers they can scrounge up and bring back to the States.

For now, let us hail Channing Tatum, and let this be a reminder that the sexy shalt never rise up against The People Magazine, lest they be felled again.
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