May 10, 2011

On Rating Mice

I have now been up since midnight, watching a mouse run out from behind my bookshelf, get scared by the light, pivot off the edge of my shoe and run back behind the bookshelf. It's a complicated dance, and it's one that he performs admirably. It's also disgusting, and I probably won't wear that shoe for a while, but it's not all bad. Like my mom always says, when life gives you mice, just pray that those mice don't have AIDS. In that spirit of tepid optimism, I am churning my minor insomnia into pop-cultury goodness, rating the many kinds of mice people have had in their homes in film (and TV) on an annoyance scale from 1 to 10. Just for reference, 1 is basically as annoying as a computer mouse and 10 is like a cigar smoking, wise-cracking mouse who sleeps with your wife. On with the list!

Mice can be varying degrees of terrible

Mighty Mouse
While it would probably be weird to see a mouse in a spandex, Mighty Mouse is the best mouse to have in your home. He fights crime, he warns about the dangers of tooth decay, and he's snazzy - a winning combination!
Annoyance Level: 1

Stuart Little - Stuart Little
It's weird that he can talk, and he's so energetic and eloquent. Still, talking is pretty cool, and he can entertain at parties by driving around in his tiny car - like a person. Adorable! (Added Bonus - Jonathan Lipnicki might join in on the fun!!)
Annoyance Level: Like any human/humanoid, it can range from about 1-8, but usually around a 4.
Mickey Mouse
Mickey is a pretty benign mouse.  He's quick with a joke and is delightful to be around. He's a steamboat captain! Before you start thinking he's perfect, though, remember that there are a few downsides to having Mickey as a house guest. First, he's probably a tad anti-Semitic, which shouldn't really come up but could be awkward if it does. Also, he's a package deal. You get Mickey in your house, his girlfriend Minnie and his dog are sure to follow. It's a big commitment for any homeowner.
Annoyance Level: 4 - Dump that bow-wearing, lady mouse and he's downgraded to a 2.

Jerry Mouse - Tom and Jerry
Admittedly I am not the biggest fan of cats, so there is something oddly pleasing about seeing one done in so effectively by a creature so physically inferior (See Also: Tweety Bird, Itchy the Mouse). Jerry sometimes gets a little vindictive when tormenting Tom the cat, which is not a shade that suits a mouse. Also, if he were allowed to roam free in a house, there would probably be property damage.
Annoyance Level: 3 - Only because I am worried about my collection of Fabergé eggs and soft cheeses.  

Remy - Ratatouille
He's a great chef, but he may also ruin your life. If he ends up in your house, you will be disgraced and the restaurant you work in will close, but you will also have the love of a French Janeane Garofalo, so all-in-all it's not bad. 
Annoyance Level: 4

Mr. Jingles - The Green Mile
Mr. Jingles is an adorable mouse. He can roll a spool across the floor. He's friends with Tom Hanks! But, oh wait, he's also the undead, which is typically not something you want in your home. Everyone knows that the only way to kill zombie mice is to shoot them in the head, and their tiny heads are so hard to hit. If you have Mr. Jingles in your house, you have him forever.
Annoyance Level: 5

Speedy Gonzales
Adorable and racist, which is a pretty dangerous and confusing combination. I'm just going to say that a fast, singing mouse is not something you want in the house. Plus, I'm sure he and his friends just leave those sombreros lying wherever they damn well please.
Annoyance Level: 6.5

John Malkovich - Of Mice and Men
Sure, you think that inviting John Malkovich over to your house is going to be all fun and games, but it gets creepy fast. He leaves little drops of poop in the corners of your living room and gets fingerprints all over the good china that you only set out for special occasions. A glue trap suddenly doesn't seem inhumane.
Annoyance Level: 8
Check out this Link for some quick Malkovich dispatching (slightly NSFW).

The Mouse in Mousehunt
This mouse is the absolute worst. Imagine Home Alone if Macauley Culkin was the home invader and the two dunces merely respectable homeowners. Or, rather, imagine if Macauley Culkin hit you in the face with a paint can whilst you were watching the evening news. That's basically what the mouse in Mousehunt does. This would be the absolute worst mouse to have in your house, ever - the fact that the two beleaguered homeowners forgive the mouse at the end (Oh, Spoiler Alert, sorry) is a testament to how controlling and manipulative it is. If you happen to run into this mouse on the street, run fast in the other direction. Even if it tempts you with balls of string cheese.
Annoyance Level: Turn it up to 11!

So there are the ratings of the annoyance level of mice. Now, if you excuse me, I'm off to the hardware store to buy some traps.
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