May 20, 2011

Handling the Apocalypse: A Musician’s Guide

The world is an uncertain place. The only thing we can say for sure (besides that there are both death and taxes) is that, at some point in the not-too-distant future, the heavens will open up and give way to a fiery hellscape that lasts approximately 6 months. Perhaps the end of the world will happen tomorrow, perhaps a year down the road.

We all have ways of coping
Are you prepared? If not, perhaps these musicians can tell you how to get through it in one piece, provided you’re going through the same type of apocalypse they are:

"99 Luftballons" - Nena
Apocalypse Type: Military
Coping Mechanism: Hide your fears in a deceptively fun pop beat! Everything’s going to pot, so you might as well break out your shiniest pants, dust off your ironic fedora, and get retrospective.
Telling Lyric: “I’m standing pretty, in this dust that was a city”

"Till The World Ends" - Britney Spears
Apocalypse Type: Mayan
Coping Mechanism: Hide underground - it worked for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, it can work for you. While you’re underground, explore your previously unspoken attraction to someone by gyrating angrily. Dance (while laughing) to a somewhat joyous rhythm!  Also, things will get better provided you jump as much as possible. In this scenario, make sure you have a kickin’ apocalypse outfit.
Telling Lyric: “Watch me move when I lose, when I lose it hard. Get you off with a touch, dancing in the dark”

"When The Man Comes Around" - Johnny Cash
Apocalypse Type: Biblical
Coping Mechanism: If you see a golden ladder, climb up it. Nothing has ever been lost by climbing up impressive and/or shiny things. Just ask Aladdin (of magic lamp and evading capture fame) or Jack (of Beanstalk fame).
Telling Lyric: “Everybody won't be treated all the same, there'll be a golden ladder reaching down, when the man comes around.”

"So Long and Thanks for All the Fish" - Dolphins/Douglas Adams
Apocalypse Type: Explosion to Make Way for Intergalactic Highway.
Coping Mechanism: Lie on the floor and put a bag over your head, if you think that will help.  Also, learn to sing - music is universal truth, man.
“Despite those nets of tuna fleets, we thought that most of you were sweet / especially tiny tots and pregnant women”

"Explode" - Balthrop, Alabama
Apocalypse Type: Inevitable
Coping Mechanism: You’re going to die, so enjoy the precious few moments you have. Don’t wallow in self-despair. You’re probably the cause of this, but to hell with it! Be with the ones you love, and be folksy.
Telling Lyric: “Stars are really beautiful tonight, as we lay beneath the falling sky. The President is on the line, as 99 luftballons go by”

"The End" - The Doors
Apocalypse Type: Undecided - Even Jim Morrison wasn’t sure
Coping Mechanism: Become consumed by inescapable depression. Seriously, this song is a major downer.
Telling Lyric: “I want to lie in an open field, want the snakes to suck my skin”

"So Yesterday" - Hilary Duff
Apocalypse Type: Romantic
Coping Mechanism: Denial. Pretend you’re over that whole ‘Apocalypse’ thing. Put off your emotional turmoil to another day. When people bring up the fact that your city has been destroyed and all of the dolphins have mysteriously disappeared, just be like “Ugh, are we still talking about this? The apocalypse was SO yesterday”
Telling Lyric: “Haven’t you heard that I’m going to be okay.”

Well, hopefully these songs will come in handy, come hell or high water. Or both.
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