May 2, 2011

Film Review: Fast Five

Fast Five blew through theaters this weekend raking up over $86 Million and the honor of the highest grossing Universal release in its entire history, beating out The Lost World: Jurassic Park by about $14 Million! Millions of people came in droves to support the oft-forgotten "Booty and Tricked Out Cars" Coalition, and I was among them. Let me just say that this movie is AMAZING! It's a non-stop, ridiculous adrenaline ride that sucks you in quickly and doesn't let go until the very last frames -- even the credits sequence is fun. Of course, it is a ridiculous movie, and the acting is so bad that you almost can't look at the screen, but you also can't look away. After the jump, check out my look back the the most awesome things about Fast Five (with a few minor Spoilers from Fast 1-4)!

(Click to Enlarge -- It's Totally Worth It)
  • This Cast Has Something For Everyone: If you think that this movie won't appeal to you, then you are dead wrong. The cast is tailor-made to get you raring to go. Just with the leads you've got Jordana Brewster (of The Faculty fame) for the dudes, Paul Walker for the ladies, and Vin Diesel for the, um, nostalgic(?). It's like the film is screaming "LIKE US...on Facebook!"
  • We're in Rio, baby! Of the two films I saw this weekend that take place in Rio (the other being Rio), this one is far superior. Also, they are the top two grossing films this weekend. Viva Brazil (or whatever that is in Portuguese)! 
  • More Cops Switching Sides Than Ever Before: The Fast franchise is all about dirty cops and cops that realize that the law isn't always the answer, and this movie is no exception. The movie takes place in Brazil, where the cops are all in the hands of gangsters, so the good guys quickly become bad guys and vice versa. When Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson first comes on the screen, I wrote 'begrudging respect' in my notes, because I knew that, by the end of the movie, Vin and he would be good pals. I won't say whether I was right or not, but search your feelings. You know what's true.
  • Chris "Ludacris" Bridges Loves Ass: Or, his character does. In fact, the only memorable lines he has in the movie involve "spankin' that ass" and "givin' up that ass." Luda sells those lines in a way that nobody else can. You believe that he really does love that ass.
  • Sexy Subtitles!
  • Long, Awesome, Pointless Scenes: There are two scenes that take place in an abandoned parking lot that doubles as a hangout for a local car-enthusiast gang. And nothing happens there that couldn't take place anywhere else. Really, it's just an excuse to show a lot of ass in a short period of time. But it's not super sexy, because the scantily-clad ladies are all gyrating out of beat to the techno music. Still, it certainly makes Ludacris happy.
  • Michelle Rodriguez is Dead: And the movie is better for it. Also, Vin Diesel, who is supposed to be distraught, seems to get over her death pretty quickly.
  • Vin Diesel is a Criminal Mastermind: As with the other films in the franchise in which Vin Diesel appears, his character Dominic Toretto is the ringleader and the mind behind all of the crew's 'brilliant' heists. It's like Ocean's Eleven if Danny Ocean had serious brain trauma. The way Diesel slurs his words and lumbers about, you almost expect his friends and family to be worried about his health, but instead he's treated like a member of Vehicular Mensa (which I hope exists).
  • Product Placement that Actually Works: Because how can you have a movie about cars without totally wicked cars?
  • Most Ham-Fisted Reveal of a Pregnancy Ever: And it is simultaneously a reveal that all of the three leads speak fluent Portuguese.
  • Dwayne Johnson is a Shiny Wonder to Behold: On purely a physical level, this guy is crazy ripped, and his vascular nature is heightened by the 'roid-rage he has throughout the entire movie. Also, he rocks both an incredibly sweaty face and extremely well-lotioned/vaselined arms during the whole movie. It reminds me of this sketch on SNL where Aaron Neville (played by Horatio Sanz) can't stop singing about the cocoa butter he slathers on his arms.
  • Strange Nicknames: Even though "The Rock" neither looks nor acts in any way like a person from the old West, he is routinely called a Cowboy. Even if it's supposed to mean renegade or outsider, it still doesn't fit. Paul Walker's the cowboy, people! 
  • Crazy Bald Fighting: Having "The Rock" in a movie with Vin Diesel means that there will be crazy, bald people fighting. And it also means that the lighting will be so poor that you won't be able to differentiate between those two people. I think that is what Martin Luther King, Jr. was talking about.
  • People Smirking: All the time. You cannot stop the smirks. Or the self-congratulatory laughter.
    • Best...Dialogue...Ever: The entire script is just a long stream of one-liners, and probably the best one didn't even make it in the trailer. Vin Diesel, at one point, lifts his arms like the Christ the Redeemer statue and shouts "This is BRASIL!" This prompts everyone to show their national pride by pulling out a bunch of guns and threatening the police. Classic Brazil!
    • Speaking of the Statue: There are literally over 20 distinct shots of the Christ the Redeemer Statue during the movie, in case people didn't believe that they filmed on location. It was filmed so much that I thought for sure they were going to ramp a car into it, 2012-style.
    • People Make Out While Driving: 'Nuff said.
    • These people are so outside the law that Jordana Brewster saying "No Extradition" is a turn on for Paul Walker. Though, basically everything Jordana Brewster says is amazing.
      So that's Fast Five, a film that will make you way more macho just by watching it. It just has that effect on people. On the way out of the theater, I punched a baby. Hardcore!

      Film Grade: B+/A+
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