|Let's Turn This Mutha Out|
Despite the epically-long runtime, very little happens in terms of character development. From the first ten minutes of the film, everyone is already emotionally in place for the final battle. Charlize Theron's Ravenna is super pissed and heart-hungry, Kristen Stewart's Snow
White is tremulously powerful and pure, and Chris Hemsworth's Huntsman is angry and ready to fight just about anyone (he's also an alcoholic, but that never really changes). All the pieces are in place - the rest is just wheel-spinning
We're very sure that Ravenna's brother is a bad guy, because his haircut is atrocious. His haircut is so bad that his molesty and rapey and murdery actions almost seems justifiable. Okay, not really.
|Sexy Milk Bath|
The film completely lacks any sense of humor, and it really needs some kind of 'wink wink nudge nudge' self-awareness. The only humor comes either from the dwarves (who are groan-inducing and unnecessary) or accidentally bad dialogue. Snow White gives a 'stirring' speech to throngs of warriors, and it's the biggest laugh of the entire movie..
Does the Huntsman have a first name? Is 'Huntsman' his profession or his last name, like Eugene Huntsman?
There is NOTHING new or exciting about this film. Even the plot is stolen from better movies. Ravenna's quest for a heart, meant to maintain her beauty and keep her powerful forever, is completely stolen from Neil Gaiman's Stardust, both the book and the film. While Charlize Theron is very good in the film, she's really no match for Michelle Pfeiffer, who is practically the same character in Stardust. They both even age when they use magic.
There's a moment, near the end of the film, when Ravenna throws Snow White into something hard and made of stone, and it's awesome.
The film is very clearly trying to evoke Lord of the Rings in its cinematic scope. Long shots of landscapes are beautiful and grandiose, but they don't really lend anything to the story.
"You have eyes, Huntsman, but you do not see," is probably the worst line ever spoken by a blind dwarf in a film.
|Milk Bath: Part Deux|
There really needs to be more Charlize Theron in this film. She's magnificent and underused. Also, she seems like the only person in this film who is having any fun. Everyone else sports pained expressions for the entire film. That's pretty much Kristen Stewart's face all the time, but still.
Film Grade: 6 out of 10 poisoned, fuzzy apples