Gwyneth Paltrow Is Thirsty for POTUS

It's been a while since Gwyneth Paltrow consciously uncoupled from her husband, noted 'singer' Chris Martin. He's moved on (apparently to Lawrencier pastures), and it was only a matter of time before she did the same. And, since Ms. Paltrow is the most powerful woman in the world (according to sources-close-to-her-but-probably-it's-just her-doing-a-funny-accent), it is understandable that she would look for a mate of equal caliber. That man, apparently, is the President of the United States.

Yes, Paltrow went fishing for some Head of State tail, hosting a benefit for President Barack Obama at her home in California and really laying the compliments on thick. While speaking at the event, Gwinnie made it clear how big a fan she is of our nation's leader, talking about how he reinvigorated politics and he's so great at President-ing and whatnot. While her effusiveness is easy to understand, the following quote from her speech is a little less defensible:

"You’re so handsome that I can’t speak properly"

Keep it in your pants, Paltrow.  He's the President, not the newest bachelor on The Bachelor. Plus, you're in public, your kids are in the room, and he's married to a woman who could bench press you. 

We all know you've been lonely. And, sure, you're thirsty...

...but you need to find someone a little further down on the totem pole. That's why you married someone from Coldplay instead of marrying someone from Radiohead. You need someone who you can exert a little power over.

Don 't be an Olivia Pope, Gwyn. Be a Jennifer Lopez.

Make Sure to Text In Your Vote, America

Roseanne for America

So, it turns out there's an election happening today, and Americans can take time out of their busy schedules to vote for the next President of the United States.

Normally, we love shoving our opinions in your faces. However, while we know a lot about television and film, we really know bupkis about politics. So, vote for whomever you want. From what P. Diddy and Paris Hilton told us eight years ago, it's really important that you vote.

We hear Roseanne Barr is running. We loved her in Roseanne, and the show still held up when we re-watched the whole series on Netflix last year. So maybe vote for her. Or, you could vote for one of the candidates who hasn't breathed new life into the working-class sitcom, who hasn't starred in a movie with Meryl Streep, or who hasn't created a show with a testicles pun, like Obama or Romney. The choice is yours, America.

Just vote. It'd mean a lot to us.

Paid for by the Committee to Re-Elect President Josiah Bartlet.