We couldn't bring ourselves to see The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 2, because even saying the name makes us feel ridiculous, so we deputized Guest Blogger Bro-sie the Riveter to review it for us:
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I read the Twilight books four years ago during Thanksgiving
break of my senior year of high school. I bring this up because the book of Breaking Dawn is probably one of the
most insane things I've ever read. There are weird no-sex-before-marriage and
anti-abortion undertones mixed with the fact that an adult werewolf falls in love with a baby and it's okay. A third
of the book is told from the pedo-wolf's (AKA Jacob's) perspective, because Bella is
pregnant and no one wants to listen to a pregnant lady talk about her problems.
So the fact that the producers take out that part, and then split the story
into two movies leaves very little to piece together in this finale.
The screenwriter, Melissa Rosenberg, tries to make this
final movie into a concluding chapter of an epic. The one major flaw is that The Twilight Saga is anything but an
epic. We establish that Bella is a vampire now, meaning she doesn't breathe, has
amazing posture, and basically acts like a statue – Which gets rid of 90% of
K-Stew’s acting style (i.e. heavy breathing, slouching, and having nervous tics
like running her hands through her hair). But that just leaves blank eyes and
her pretending to be an animal. She also hilariously almost kills some mountain
climber who should probably die anyway because he's on a cliff in the middle of
nowhere without any rope, but Edward stops her. So instead, she eats a mountain
lion.
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The screenwriter, Melissa Rosenberg, tries to make this
final movie into a concluding chapter of an epic. The one major flaw is that The Twilight Saga is anything but an
epic. We establish that Bella is a vampire now, meaning she doesn't breathe, has
amazing posture, and basically acts like a statue – Which gets rid of 90% of
K-Stew’s acting style (i.e. heavy breathing, slouching, and having nervous tics
like running her hands through her hair). But that just leaves blank eyes and
her pretending to be an animal. She also hilariously almost kills some mountain
climber who should probably die anyway because he's on a cliff in the middle of
nowhere without any rope, but Edward stops her. So instead, she eats a mountain
lion.
Bella's vampire sister-in-law, Alice, builds her and Edward
an adorable cottage in the woods. It's basically a teenage girl's fantasy: post-marriage bliss, having a baby, and being a vampire allows you to have sex forever. I'm serious. This house is
basically a sex house. After the most uncomfortable PG-13 foreplay ever, they
quickly cut to Edward and Bella
