'The First Wives Club' Turns 20!

The First Wives Club, the greatest film of all time, was released 20 years ago today. Go watch it. It's amazing. And be glad that, thanks to the power of Amy Schumer, Goldie Hawn is finally coming out of retirement!

I love to be free

And heed the words of the only good Trump (Ivana): Don't get mad. Get everything.

Cinderella? More like Seen-it-derella!

This weekend, we welcome the latest in a long series of Cinderella movies: Disney's Cinderella, a live-action adaptation of the 1950 Disney film of the same name. Like most film adaptations of this classic tale, this newest Cinderella boasts an impressive cast and a substantial budget. Also, like most adaptations, it exists for no reason.

The tale of Cinderella has been told and retold countless times through generations, passing through oral tradition and written word for centuries. The story shifts and changes depending on who is telling it (and what message they want to impart), with the Brothers Grimm favoring a three three-day ball, a magical tree, and feet mutilation and Perrault favoring a glass slipper and fairy godmother. The core of the story is about a young girl being misunderstood, abused, and unwanted despite her many attempts to be anything but, and the prince who finally sees her for who she really is. It's a pretty simple tale, which makes it easy to adapt. Need to make it a morality play about the joys of being dutiful and subservient? Cinderella's got you covered. Want it to be a story about making your own decisions and self-empowerment? Cinderella's your gal. 

So many movies have been made with Cinderella at the center, but which adaptation is the best?  Let's take a look. For this incredibly scientific study, I'll be focusing on Disney's Cinderella (1950), Rodgers and Hammerstein's Cinderella (1997), Ever After (1998), A Cinderella Story (2004), Ella Enchanted (2004), and Sondheim's Into the Woods (2014), because they're the ones I like. Sorry, CinderFella.

Olivia Pope is definitely Sydney Bristow [Scandal/Alias]

Scandal and Alias spoilers are in this post. 

Do not read if you are more than a few weeks behind in Scandal!

Whatever the problem, Olivia handles it.

Scandal is obviously the water-cooler television show of the moment. Everybody's talking about it. Open up your window right now – you will hear faint whispers in the wind:
  ...what's the deal with quinn...
                 ...i can't believe olivia allows fitz to eat her face like that...
                                             ...mellie is the best....
The show is poppy, it's fresh, and it finds surprisingly interesting ways to introduce plot twists without feeling tired or try-hard. Plus, it's hella fun.

In case you don't watch the show but are still reading this article, the series follows Olivia Pope and her merry band of Gladiators as they squash scandals both large and small, all while having sexy liaisons with a variety of politicians, soldiers, and terrorists (cyber, destructive, and emotional). In Season 2, we all had the opportunity to meet Olivia's mysterious father, which meant that Season 3 introduced Mama Pope, the supposedly dead matriarch of the Pope clan. And not only is she alive, but she's also a crazy, dead-eyed terrorist. So, obviously, I thought of my other favorite series where someone's mother turns out to be a crazy, dead-eyed terrorist: Alias. Over five seasons, Sydney Bristow (Jennifer Garner) had to take down a never-ending cavalcade of money-and-power-hungry terrorists and thugs, but there was nothing more difficult for her to deal with than her parents, two super-powerful, morally ambiguous super spies with both love and heartache to give in spades. She's Olivia Pope but with amazing wigs. Or, rather, Olivia Pope is turning into Sydney Bristow but with a more enviable wardrobe and wine collection. So, let's take a look at the many ways Sydney and Olivia are totally sisters from another mister, including a look at their signature looks, family travails, and bangs:

Character	OLIVIA POPE	SYDNEY BRISTOW
Played by	Kerry Washington	Jennifer Garner
Series	Scandal	Alias
Number of Seasons	Almost 3 (So Far)	5!
Profession	Secret Fixer/Handler	Secret Agent
Government Affiliation?	Executive Branch	CIA
Main Female Enemy/Enemies	Herself, Mellie Grant, Her Mother	Lauren Reed, Anna Espinosa, Her Mother
Main Male Enemy/Enemies	Cyrus Beane, President Grant, Her Father	Arvin Sloane, Julian Sark, Her Father (emotionally)
Good at  Compartmentalizing?	Pretty Good, but Prone to Emotional Outbursts in Times of Distress.	Great, but Prone to Emotional Outbursts in Times of Distress, Usually around Arvin Sloane.
The real-life pregnancy of actress was...	hidden with handbags, coats, and peplums.	written into the show/
Occasionally Rocks  some Sweet Bangs?	Heavy Bangs in Flashback, Side-Swoop Occasionally	Bang-a-Palooza in Seasons 3 and 4
Stern Father that's Secretly Super Powerful?	Yep	Yep
and he pretends  to be a(n)...	Smithsonian Curator	Airplane Parts Supplier
but really he's...	the former head of a shadow, pseud-gov't organization (B-613).	an ex-CIA Agent, then a part of a shadow terrorist cell (SD-6), then a super spy.
Long-Dead Mother Secretly Alive?	Yep	Yep
Everyone knew her as...	Maya Lewis (Mama Pope)	Laura Bristow
but really her name is...	Marie Wallace	Irina Derevko
and she's clearly...	a super-skilled terrorist.	a super-skilled terrorist.
So, Mother Issues?	Oh yeah.	Understatement of the century.
Susceptible to Crying  Jags that Don't Undercut  but Rather Reinforce Her Femininity and Power?	Yeah, but usually in private.	I mean, that's a loaded question, but yes
What Makes Her Cry?	The President, Her Family, Helplessness	Arvin Sloane, Her Family, Helplessness
Alcohol of Choice?	Red Wine	Tequila
Snack of Choice?	Popcorn	Ice Cream, but don't give any coffee ice cream to Francie.
Strange Sartorial Choice in the Home:	All-White, Diaphanous Loungewear	Comfy Sweaters, Turtlenecks. and Sleeveless Turtlenecks
Strange Sartorial Choice in the Office:	Indoor Winter Coats	Wigs! Burkas! Overly Complex and Revealing Costumes!
Love Triangle?	Prez Fitzgerald Grant /Jake Ballard	Michael Vaughn/Will Tippin
Trying to Do Good?	Mmmhmm	Oh, yeah. Big Time

Maybe they're not twins, but they are two incredibly strong female character who are allowed to have faults without compromising their strength, who both gain and lose power through the influence (both direct and tangential) of their parents. And, until the conclusion of this story arc, it'll be difficult to know just how similar Olivia really is to Sydney. Still, as soon as Mama Pope helps deliver Olivia's baby in a closed bank while being held at gunpoint, though, I'll be the one triumphantly shouting "TWINSSSS" out my window. Listen for the whispers.

I can't even tell them apart anymore.
#TrueDetectiveSeason2

Quick Reviews: Best Picture Nominees, Part 2 of 3

Happy Presidents' Day, readers of Tableau Your Mind (Tableauyers? Tableauniacs?).  We've been very very busy getting ready for the Oscars next Sunday, making sure that we have bought enough streamers and bean dip (Party Hint #536: One Can Never Have Too Much Bean Dip). We've also been looking back at the nine (9!) films nominated for Best Picture. For Valentine's Day, we reviewed Silver Linings Playbook, Django Unchained, and Amour, which are the three films that most clearly focus on what the French call love, or at least they call it that when they're speaking English. We love a theme, so today, in honor of Presidents' Day, we'll be quickly revealing the three films that deal with American history: Lincoln, Argo, and Zero Dark Thirty:

Alias on 30 Rock [30 Rock]

Liz Lemon's Intensity Would
Probably Scare Sydney Bristow

Lately, I have been very much obsessed with both 30 Rock and Alias. At Tableau your mind, we have been writing a lot about 30 Rock because the series finale is airing this Thursday, and we've been thinking about Alias because the stars of the show have been everywhere this awards season. Alias also recently became available on Netflix Instant, which means my Facebook mini-feed is full of people discovering the show for the first time.  It got me thinking about how much the two shows relate to one another (and it's not just because both Sydney Bristow and Liz Lemon subvert Rikke Schubart's ideals of the female action hero as Mother, Daughter, Rape-Avenger, and Dominatrix, amirite?). While 30 Rock has certainly spent more time referencing LOST, the writers/casting agents do show a certain affinity for Alias.

In honor of both shows, I would like to highlight some of the few 30 Rock moments that took me right back to my favorite times with super-spy Sydney Bristow:

Victor Garber Confirms That He/Everyone is Gay

Victor Garber is so
embarrassed for you right now.
(image source)

Were you upset while watching The Golden Globes that not enough people casually came out?  And not in the way of casually coming out where some cool girl wears Chuck Taylors to her debutante ball and the whole garden club is scandalized. No, the coming out where someone is gay and always has been and it's embarrassing that you didn't know already.

Well, don't be upset any more. After Jodie Foster's confusing, rambling, and melancholic quasi-coming out speech at the Golden Globes, Victor Garber casually came out by finding it ridiculous that you didn't already know.

You didn't know that Victor Garber, the coolest man in the world and Sydney Bristow's dad, was gay? That's adorable. Sit down, we have to tell you some things about Santa Claus and Sylar from Heroes. They're both gay too. It's so cute that you didn't know that.

So, in conclusion, Victor Garber is gay, you should have already known, and it's incredibly attractive when you don't know something and your face makes that little confused puppy expression. This is just like that time we tried to explain K-Pop to you.

2013 Golden Globes Wrap-Up

Well, the Golden Globes happened, and it was about as unruly and bonkers as a controlled night of self-flattery can be. Hayden Panettiere showed up and looked old, Daniel Day Lewis won and also did the E.T. finger, Anne Hathaway thanked someone for ‘the best string of yesterdays’ she has ever had, and Dog President stars Darcy St. Fudge and Damian Francisco were robbed. Tableau Your Mind is currently in India, so we enlisted the help of guest blogger Bro-sie the Riveter, who is in Seattle, so that we can represent the most easterly and westerly people watching the Golden Globes: