Hit or Miss: Quick Movie Reviews 10 – FEMINISM!

Terminator: Stigmata

Watching Terminator: Genisys this weekend, I was perplexed at what was on the screen. I haven't really seen the first Terminator films (I saw Terminator Salvation for HBC reasons), but Sarah Connor is supposed to be one of the strongest female characters in film history. Yet, throughout the movie, her only purpose is to be the eventual mother of John Connor. Then, from there on out, he does the heavy lifting as the leader of the war against the machines. Is she the savior or merely the vessel for the savior? Is she completely defined by her ability to give birth, or can she be the master of her own fate?

Now, this problem of predestination is something that plagues time travel movies regardless of the gender of the lead, but the plight of Sarah Connor made me think more about female representation in film more generally. Not just the number of women on screen, but also how their presence shapes the narrative.

So, for this edition of Hit or Miss, I thought it best to look at the current top-grossing, female-starring movies at the box office (not counting Mad Max: Fury Road, which I loved and already reviewed). Forthwith are my reviews of the movies, paying special attention to the ladies therein:

'Jurassic World' Comic

I haven't gotten up the energy to write a review of Jurassic World.
So, I drew a comic instead:

2015 Best Picture Nominees, Part 3 [Potpourri]

Before the Oscars delight and frustrate us this Sunday, it's time to look at the last two movies up for Best Picture. Since these movies don't have anything in common (besides generic crap like 'growing up', 'falling in love', and 'becoming a man'), let's just call this the Potpourri category. Before you read these, be sure to check out the reviews of the other six nominees HERE and HERE.

Now, on to Boyhood and The Grand Budapest Hotel:

Trailer Dump: 2015 Sequel Edition

Sometimes my brain is tired, and I need to unwind with a good movie trailer. There's nothing like a 2-minute dose of movie wonder to jog me out of a funk. The spectacle! The CGI! The voice over work! The soaring score! The over-explaining of plot to the point that it ruins the movie! Thankfully, in the past few weeks, we have seen the releases of exciting trailers for movies that plenty of people are waiting to see, myself included. 2015, like 2014 before it, will be another year full of sequels, prequels, and reboots of some of the largest film franchises of all time. In an era increasingly defined by unearned nostalgia and Buzzfeed listicles, next year will possibly be the apex of our growing need to mix the new with the familiar. Let's take a look at what the new year has to offer, and judge harshly and preemptively:

Chris Pratt Will Not Get Fat

At some point during the pole dance for Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy, Chris Pratt went from being an affable everyman who oozed charm to an affable everyman who couldn't stop talking about his workout regimen and his (admittedly substantial) weight-loss. It wasn't annoying, per se. It definitely needed to be talked about to some extent (the previously fat elephant in the room), but, near the end of his time promoting GotG, the subject was wearing thin. Many people longed for the days of a slightly less svelte, and slightly more endearing, Chris Pratt.

Recently, while crowning Pratt as one of 2014's Men of the Year, GQ broached the 'fat or not fat' question. To the annoyance of chubby chasers the world over (including Pratt's wife, Anna Faris), it seems like Chris Pratt is staying thin. Asked if we'll ever see Fat Pratt again, he only had this to say:

"I'm done with that"

So, it's good news for Pratt's blood pressure and cholesterol, bad news for fans of a chunkier Andy Dwyer on Parks and Recreation:

Good by, Chris Pratt's muffin top. You're 5,000 Candles in the Wind.

Hollywood Couples We Root For: Part Deux

Man, pop culture news has been pretty depressing recently. The summer movie season has been weird and a little disappointing, and television has been less than diverting. Plus, between the deaths, suicides, and Modern Family winning big at the Emmy Awards, it's a pretty bleak picture off-screen as well. So to liven things up, I'm bringing back one of the earliest features on the blog.

Maggie Gyllenhaal hasn't yet left
Peter Sarsgaad for an orb of pure light.

Way back in 2011, in my second post, I talked about celebrity couples who needed to stay together, because the strength of their bonds actually helps people believe that love for normal, non-famous people can exist.

And that hope remains. I guess. I mean, all the couples are still together. Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard are still keeping it weird. Anne Meara and Jerry Stiller are still alive. Jennifer Aniston is technically all up in Justin 'Sweatpants' Theroux, but everyone knows that Courteney Cox is the real love of her life. 

So let's look at more couples who prove love is real, even if it's just real for the pretty people. Without further ado, here is a list of Hollywood Couples We Root For, Part Deux:

'Guardians of the Galaxy' Is The Space Epic We've Been Waiting For

"When we are in our infancy, we look to the stars. We look to the sky, stretched out above us, full of mysteries unexplored, dangers untold, and thirsts unquenched. Space is the future; space is hope; space is where all the cool people are hanging out without us." -  Helen Keller

It would be an astronomical understatement to say that I really love Guardians of the Galaxy, the most recent – and buoyant – film in the Marvel franchise. Following a ragtag group of underdogs as they fight against seemingly unbeatable foes, the film is a love letter to movies about space, movies about friendship, and movies about kick-ass soundtracks.

The ragtag group in question is led by Peter Quill (Chris Pratt), a Terran (film-speak for 'from Earth) who, after his mother dies of cancer, is abducted by a race of bluish, alien thugs and grows up as a thief,  with an awesome mix tape as his only keepsake of home. He's joined by a  sassy raccoon named Rocket (Bradley Cooper), a somewhat-sentient tree named Groot (Vin Diesel), the overly-literal and revenge-bent Drax the Destroyer (Dave Bautista), and the genetically-modified assassin Gamora (Zoe Saldana, joining yet another space-film franchise). The plot is dense, and pretty MacGuffin-laden, but basically there's a super-bad dude named Ronan (Lee Pace, completely unrecognizable without his lustrous eyebrows) who's aided by Gamora's quasi-sister Nebula (Karen Gillan, a little out of her depth here) and an even badder dude named Thanos (who will feature heavily in many of the Marvel movies to come). Though their motivations are murky and full of backstabbing and frontstabbing, they all basically want to get their hands on a mysterious orb, which Quilly has just stolen, in order kill a bunch of people. Oh, yeah, and for a fun bit of back-story, Thanos killed Drax's family and happens to be Gamora's adoptive father. The 'Guardians' have to band together to stop Ronan, and save an entire planet of people, including a bunch of space cops holed up at the base of the Nova Corps, which is run by the stellar Glenn Close.

Now, I really liked this movie, but I'm afraid that, if I start to review it, I may never stop talking about it. So, instead, here is a list of  points worth talking about:

Quick Reviews: 2014 Best Picture Nominees, Part 1

In what has basically become a self-imposed tradition, it is now time for Tableau Your Mind to review the nine films up for Best Picture. I did this mostly for you – I didn't want to watch half of these movies. When the Academy first opened up the Best Picture race to (up to) 10 nominees, it seemed like a good idea. Movies that would have previously been relegated to other categories or completely forgotten were given a chance to shine. Last year's Beasts of the Southern Wild and Amour come to mind, as well as the heartbreaking Toy Story 3 a few years prior. But this year, with a few exceptions, it seems like the Best Picture race is almost completely full of the kinds of movies that are 'supposed' to be in the race, and very few of them feel fresh at all. In a year teeming with innovation and beautifully told movies, a lot of these nominees just feel silly. Why are we even looking at Captain Phillips while Frances Ha and The Kings of Summer are completely out of the race? Still, each of the nine movies nominated do contain moments of quality, and some are legitimately great movies. So, let's take a look at four  of the movies up for Best Picture (Dallas Buyers Club, Philomena, American Hustle, and Her) with a quick list of Pros, Cons, and my guess as to whether Best Picture is in their grasps (some minor spoilers, but nothing you wouldn't get from the trailer):

Parks and Recreation: Leslie Knope 2012!

On Thursday’s Parks and Recreation, we saw the awesomeness that was a Leslie Knope political campaign commercial (Knope 2012!).

Turns out, Leslie hates attack ads so much that she makes the most 'pro' commercial the world has ever seen.

It was so amazing that we here at Tableau Your Mind wanted to show you the full list of things Leslie is ‘pro’ and point out some of the many great jokes. There is a lot here for fans of the show, from Leslie's hatred of libraries to the well-documented raccoon problem. After the jump, check out all 123 of Leslie’s pros and try to figure out how she can accomplish all of this in one term (we believe in her).