Nov 29, 2012

Liz Lemon is Married! [30 Rock]


Jack Couldn't Be Happier
It's official! Liz Lemon and Criss Chros are married, and the ceremony was just as weird and magical as we hoped it would be. It started out shakily, with Liz's fears of becoming a bridezilla fueling a self-fulfilling prophecy. Eventually, though, Liz pulled it together with the help of the two men in her life, found the perfect way to be pro-woman, and showcased her love of Star Wars. By dressing up as Princess Leia, she walked down the aisle in something

Liz Lemon's Relationships: A List [30 Rock]

Liz Lemon and her Many Men
Over the past seven seasons of 30 Rock, we've watched as Liz Lemon has worked to have it all: the perfect job, a great apartment, a plant/baby, and a man to share all of those things. And we have also watched as she has failed to get any of the things she wanted (baby steps, Liz). Then, beginning in Season 6, things started to line up for old Liz Lemon. She began renovations on her apartment, she started talking about babies, and she found someone that accepted all of her crazy. That man was Criss Chros, and tonight she’s going to make an honest man out of him and put a ring on it.

We don't know if this road will end in happiness or in failure (we assume a mixture of both), but we do know that the long journey to the altar/courthouse has included its fair share of romantic roadblocks for Elizabeth Miervaldis Lemon. So, on her very special day (which, per the save the date, should not be looked at ‘in a creepy way that perpetuates the idea that brides are virgins and women are property), we looked back at the many men in Liz's storied romantic past. And we ranked them, because assigning value to things is fun. Also, we didn't include Jack Donaghy, because, although they were married for a very short period of time, we wouldn't consider what they had romantic. It was no Meat Lovers Pizza. Now, on to the list:

Nov 27, 2012

Film Review: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 2

We couldn't bring ourselves to see The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 2, because even saying the name makes us feel ridiculous, so we deputized Guest Blogger Bro-sie the Riveter to review it for us:

I read the Twilight books four years ago during Thanksgiving break of my senior year of high school. I bring this up because the book of Breaking Dawn is probably one of the most insane things I've ever read. There are weird no-sex-before-marriage and anti-abortion undertones mixed with the fact that an adult werewolf falls in love with a baby and it's okay. A third of the book is told from the pedo-wolf's (AKA Jacob's) perspective, because Bella is pregnant and no one wants to listen to a pregnant lady talk about her problems. So the fact that the producers take out that part, and then split the story into two movies leaves very little to piece together in this finale. 

The screenwriter, Melissa Rosenberg, tries to make this final movie into a concluding chapter of an epic. The one major flaw is that The Twilight Saga is anything but an epic. We establish that Bella is a vampire now, meaning she doesn't breathe, has amazing posture, and basically acts like a statue – Which gets rid of 90% of K-Stew’s acting style (i.e. heavy breathing, slouching, and having nervous tics like running her hands through her hair). But that just leaves blank eyes and her pretending to be an animal. She also hilariously almost kills some mountain climber who should probably die anyway because he's on a cliff in the middle of nowhere without any rope, but Edward stops her. So instead, she eats a mountain lion.

Bella's vampire sister-in-law, Alice, builds her and Edward an adorable cottage in the woods. It's basically a teenage girl's fantasy: post-marriage bliss, having a baby, and being a vampire allows you to have sex forever. I'm serious. This house is basically a sex house. After the most uncomfortable PG-13 foreplay ever, they quickly cut to Edward and Bella

Nov 26, 2012

Tableau Your Mind's 200th Post!

It took a little under two years to make it happen, but Tableau Your Mind has finally reached its 200th blog post. You're reading it RIGHT NOW! They say it only takes a person 16-21 times to make doing something into a habit, and it definitely feels like, after 200 posts, we have moved beyond "habit" and into "psychopathic fanaticism." Over these 200 labors of like, we have written about topics covering all elements of popular culture, including food, movies, music, television, and so much more. We've done posts on Hollywood "It" Couples, Hipster Babies, and Pedophilia in Film. We've compared the stars of Tangled and Salt and looked at what would happen if Mr. Feeny suffered a "Wardrobe Malfunction." We've doted on 30 Rock, Kristen BellDoctor WhoHarry Potter, and Batman, and hated on Kristen Stewart, Slow Motion in Indie Movies, and Easy Mac. We've even learned how to pronounce Gotye, just in time for him to become culturally irrelevant. We really wouldn't believe that there were 200 posts if it weren't for the photographic evidence:

Nov 19, 2012

Easy Mac Is Disgusting [Rant and Rave]

Dear Kraft,

Hello and thank you for your time. I am writing today as a longtime fan and eater of your Macaroni & Cheese (or, as my Canadian roommate and Barenaked Ladies call it, Kraft Dinner). I was actually a member of the Macaroni & Cheese fan club as a child (I have a decorative license plate with my name on it as proof). I make Kraft Macaroni & Cheese at least once a month, often while singing lines from the indelible song “Blue Box Blues”: “Well, if daddy wants to please me, he's only got to cheese me. I've got the blues!”

So, it is with great sadness that I need to inform you of something that you probably already know but are afraid to admit. Kraft Easy Mac is one of the most disgusting things that has ever been considered food, and it is the grossest microwavable 'treat' I have ever consumed. It's mushy, the cheese powder doesn't mix correctly with the water and noodles, and it smells a little funky (no doubt from the Styrofoam-esque packaging seeping into the noodle water).

I understand that it's difficult to manufacture something microwavable that tastes good. Tostino's Pizza Rolls are an obvious exception (I'm sorry if that's hard for you to see – know that it's just as difficult for me to write). Still, even with the hurdles involved, most microwavable food (mostly frozen or dry-noodle-based) are at least an approximation of their stove and oven counterparts. What you have delivered in Easy Mac is not even noodles. It's barely food.

Also, it makes traditional Kraft Macaroni & Cheese seem hard to make, which it isn't. You're underselling your own product, Kraft! By marketing one of your products as 'easy,' it makes the other seem difficult in comparison. For traditional Mac, All people have to do is boil water and have milk in the fridge – we aren't in a dairy crisis! This can be accomplished!

In conclusion, I would like to say that your microwavable meal may be easy, but it is NO mac. What's worse, I think you're souring a future customer-base to your product by having their first encounter with it be this approximation of real Kraft Macaroni & Cheese. Less people will try the real thing when their opinions are based on the taste of the deplorable Easy Mac.  I don't want to upset you, but I think that, when it comes to Easy Mac, it's time to go back to the drawing board.

Thank you for your time,

Tableau Your Mind

P.S. Sometimes I eat Macaroni Cheese with tuna in it. I don't want to ruffle any feathers of the good people of Tuna Helper, but have you ever considered going more high-end, possibly with a meat option. The casserole thing you came out with recently is amazing – Expand on that. Make Kraft a luxury brand, not one of microwavable faux-convenience!

Nov 15, 2012

30 Rock Thursday Rock!

It’s difficult to put into words how much we love 30 Rock. The greatest showing of our affection is that the show was the subject on of our senior thesis papers in college. And while “30 Rock and Its Big Mirror” is pretty much unreadable today, it is a perfect example of our devotion and ridiculous attachment to this show. How else could you explain the use of the completely nonsensical sentence “30 Rock represents the future of post-broadcast, neo-network television by firmly rooting itself in the present”? That’s stalker-level lunacy, people.

We say this because 30 Rock is currently in its final season on NBC. Though we will forever be comforted by the many episodes we will watch in syndication, Netflix Streaming, and on DVD, we are nonetheless crestfallen. When news came of a shortened final season, it was bittersweet at best. As any fan of the show knows, 30 Rock was lucky to see a second season, and with dwindling audiences and lessening critical cache, it seemed like getting a Season 7 was a gift from God. It was a gift from Anna Howard Shaw, at the very least.

As 30 Rock draws to a close, we will be devoting each Thursday (or every Thursday that we remember to do it) to some aspect of 30 Rock that we adore. It’s called “30 Rock Thursday Rock”, and it’s real. It’s as real as an egg.

So join us on this journey, looking back at great episodes, amazing guest stars, funniest lines, and weirdest patterns. Join us for the end of 30 Rock and the beginning of our clinical depression.

Nov 14, 2012

Hundreds of Attractive Men Injured or Dead as Channing Tatum Crowned Sexiest Man Alive

Channing Tatum Sexily Exits the Arena, Triumphant
In a scene reminiscent of Lord of the Flies or The Hunger Games, but with decidedly more body oil, Channing Tatum emerged from the People Magazine Sexiest Man-nasium this morning triumphant, the head of Bradley Cooper in his hands and the teeth of his victims adorning his neck.

The battle royale for the crown began a few weeks ago, and soon the dead bodies were too attractive and numerous to fathom. Tatum, who many felt was an underdog in the competition, soon rose in esteem with his affable nature. His tactic of luring victims in with his ease and confidence and then killing them with quick fighting maneuvers, which could only be described as an

Channing Tatum is People's Sexiest Man Alive

The people of People have spoken! With all of the other sexy men dead by his hands, Channing Tatum claims the title of sexiest living human male.

We have little-to-no opinion about this, except to say that we really enjoyed his work in 21 Jump Street and that People magazine seems to be going for 'relatable' lately when they pick the winners. Bradley Cooper, last year's victor, is a nice fellow, sure, and we loved him in Alias, but by his own admission he probably wasn't the sexiest man alive. Now that we have mourned his death and crowned 'everyman' Channing Tatum the sexiest man alive, who will be next? Al from Home Improvement? DJ Jazzy Jeff? Your guess is as good as ours.

Still, congratulations Chan! Tonight we drink the blood of your slaughtered foes in honor of you.


Check out some Channing articles on Tableau Your Mind HERE, and add your pics for Sexiest Man ALIVE (Sorry, Bertolt Brecht) in the comments below!

Nov 12, 2012

Film Review: Skyfall

I've been waiting a long time for this. It's time to review Skyfall!

Full disclosure here: My namesake is very closely tied to the James Bond franchise and my mother and father raised me to love all things Bond, so I may not be the most objective reviewer. So, yes, my real name is PussyGalore, and, yes, I thoroughly enjoyed this movie.

Bond and Q deal with dangerous numbers
Let’s get some plot out of the way first. Basically, a mysterious company steals a list of all of the NATO operatives currently undercover in terrorist cells across the world from MI6. What they plan to do with it in anyone’s guess, but it sets up the action, the betrayal, and the butt-kickery that follows. If you've heard this plot before, it’s because it’s basically the set-up to the first Mission: Impossible movie. However, where the plot goes from the set-up in Istanbul is completely different. I don’t want to spoil any of the plot, since figuring it out is half the fun. Even the title of the movie is mysterious – what exactly is Skyfall? Is it a mission, a person, the feeling one gets while bungee jumping? It could be all manner of things, and the fun and interest is in the journey of

Nov 11, 2012

Christina Ricci on The Good Wife

Tableau Your Minders!
John Lutz and Christna Ricci spice up The Good Wife

Christina Ricci, who is a totally normal-looking person and not a grown-up Bratz doll, is going to be on The Good Wife tonight. And she's going to be a comedian (or comedienne, if you're Joy Behar) embroiled in some sort of shocking television imbroglio that might land her in the slammer!

That's right, it's time for the semi-annual fun episode of The Good Wife, where serious plotlines and murderous ex-husbands are thrown out the window for a good old-fashioned chuckle fest. Of course, this also means that something serious will also probably happen near the end of the episode to shock you and move the show in a completely new direction. We know this because it is the middle of

Nov 6, 2012

Make Sure to Text In Your Vote, America

Roseanne for America
So, it turns out there's an election happening today, and Americans can take time out of their busy schedules to vote for the next President of the United States.

Normally, we love shoving our opinions in your faces. However, while we know a lot about television and film, we really know bupkis about politics. So, vote for whomever you want. From what P. Diddy and Paris Hilton told us eight years ago, it's really important that you vote.

We hear Roseanne Barr is running. We loved her in Roseanne, and the show still held up when we re-watched the whole series on Netflix last year. So maybe vote for her. Or, you could vote for one of the candidates who hasn't breathed new life into the working-class sitcom, who hasn't starred in a movie with Meryl Streep, or who hasn't created a show with a testicles pun, like Obama or Romney. The choice is yours, America.

Just vote. It'd mean a lot to us.

Paid for by the Committee to Re-Elect President Josiah Bartlet.

Nov 4, 2012

Boy Meets World Meets Sequel

The Matthews Family is BACK!
At Tableau Your Mind, we are unabashed fans of many things: 30 Rock, Harry Potter, Doctor Who, Joss Whedon, Helena Bonham Carter, and tons of other pop culture touchstones. One thing we haven't been quite as vocal about is our love of Boy Meets World, the incredible 90s sitcom that taught us so many life lessons during our childhood.

Well, we were checking the ol' newswire on Saturday and stumbled upon the announcement that a new Boy Meets World television show is in the works. This sequel is being developed by the Disney Channel and will focus on the life of Cory and Topanga's pre-teen daughter as she learns the many life lessons that Cory himself learned years ago. It's going to be called Girl Meets World, people.

We are 100% psyched about this news, not only because we are fans of the whole original cast, but also because the world is crying out for the kind of earnestness, virtuosity, and silliness that the original show exhibited. It was like the 90s version of iCarly, and the world needs more shows like iCarly.

When we heard the news that the show was being sequelized (sequined?), we were actually re-watching Boy Meets World anyway, due to a series of posts we are working on tentatively called "Sassy Mr. Feeny." So, it suffices to say that we are really looking forward to this. Here's hoping that Danielle Fishel, Ben Savage, William Daniels, Rider Strong, and Will Friedle aren't too busy to be on the show.

Huzzah! This is, unequivocally, amazing news! Rejoice in your own special way. We'll be doing Feeny calls until the cows come home.

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