Chris Hemsworth is People's 2014 Sexiest Man: Alive Category

The good people at People have released their list of the Sexiest Living Humans With Dongs (not so fast, ghost-of-noted-lothario Beetlejuice Casanova), and the most sexy living person this year is Australia's Thor, AKA Chris Hemsworth. The 6'3" actor is most known for his work in Marvel films and for placing fifth on Australia's version of Dancing With the Stars. By achieving the honor of most attractive man with a pulse, Hemsworth joins a vaulted list of famous humans who have male genitalia AND publicists who work really hard to get their clients on covers of magazines. He takes over the position from purportedly sexy, now disgusting crooner Adam Levine, who in turn inherited the mantle from stripper-turned-dancer-turned-actor-turned-stripper/actor Channing Tatum.

Hemsworth will spend his year as presiding thirst-maker traveling the globe, spreading goodwill and sexiness where'er he goes.

Congratulations on all your success, Chris Hemsworth. The people (and the people at People) tip our inferior musculature to you.

Hundreds of Attractive Men Injured or Dead as Channing Tatum Crowned Sexiest Man Alive

Channing Tatum Sexily Exits the Arena, Triumphant

In a scene reminiscent of Lord of the Flies or The Hunger Games, but with decidedly more body oil, Channing Tatum emerged from the People Magazine Sexiest Man-nasium this morning triumphant, the head of Bradley Cooper in his hands and the teeth of his victims adorning his neck.

The battle royale for the crown began a few weeks ago, and soon the dead bodies were too attractive and numerous to fathom. Tatum, who many felt was an underdog in the competition, soon rose in esteem with his affable nature. His tactic of luring victims in with his ease and confidence and then killing them with quick fighting maneuvers, which could only be described as an

Channing Tatum is People's Sexiest Man Alive

The people of People have spoken! With all of the other sexy men dead by his hands, Channing Tatum claims the title of sexiest living human male.

We have little-to-no opinion about this, except to say that we really enjoyed his work in 21 Jump Street and that People magazine seems to be going for 'relatable' lately when they pick the winners. Bradley Cooper, last year's victor, is a nice fellow, sure, and we loved him in Alias, but by his own admission he probably wasn't the sexiest man alive. Now that we have mourned his death and crowned 'everyman' Channing Tatum the sexiest man alive, who will be next? Al from Home Improvement? DJ Jazzy Jeff? Your guess is as good as ours.

Still, congratulations Chan! Tonight we drink the blood of your slaughtered foes in honor of you.

Huzzah!

Check out some Channing articles on Tableau Your Mind HERE, and add your pics for Sexiest Man ALIVE (Sorry, Bertolt Brecht) in the comments below!