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| Loki Bad | High-Key Hot |
Above all else, Tableau Your Mind endeavors to entertain, enlighten, and exhaust its readers. So, in our entertaining and enlightening efforts to look at the bangability of Marvel Villains, we have also exhausted the patience of many by waiting to put up the second half of our two-part series. Well, wait no more! We've looked at the also-rans in Part 1. Now it's time for Tableau (along with Guest Bloggers Square Peg and Christmas Pug) to look at the certified hate-able hotties of Part 2:
Bangability: 5.14
Logan Marshall-Green as Jackson Brice / Montana
Really, Michael Keaton’s Vulture is the only real villain in this bish, and he’s about as bangable as any version of Michael Keaton that’s ever existed. So, medium? Donald Glover’s villain Aaron Davis barely gets to do anything, but he also elevates the bangability scale by just existing and being Donald Glover.
Tableau: Everyone’s just so angry in this movie. I don’t need that energy around me.
Square Peg: I love Michael Keaton as an actor, but he often has this expression on his face like he just smelled something repugnant while also sucking on a sour candy.
Christmas Pug: Donald Glover, please take me.
#9 Thor
Bangability: 5.66
The Destroyer
Lil Baby Loki’s film debut is also his least sexy, but he’s still doing it for the two women on this jury. What he provides is a preview of the bangability to come, and Loki’s mix of suave Britishness and good bone structure do seem to carry a lot of his films into the upper echelon of the bangosphere.
Square Peg: If anyone has a way to get in touch with Tom Hiddleston to let him know that I want to bang him, please do. Put it through the grapevine.
Tableau: I feel like I added The Destroyer to the film’s list of villains to bring the average down a little and be a better representation of the quality of the movie. It’s fun and Shakespearean, but it’s not the best. And The Destroyer, while displaying some great leg and arm definition, loses points due to the fact that he shoots fire out of his only opening. He’s literally unbangable.
Christmas Pug: Hole or no hole, you can’t really deter me from wanting to eff Tom Hiddleston.
#8 The Avengers
Bangability: 5.77
Alexis Denisof as the Other
Loki’s back from the dead and ready to sexually frustrate all our heroes. As a central villain, he’s great, and he’s also at his most sexually alluring. His fun outfits, the way he teases The Hulk, that weird ball-gaggy headpiece he has to wear at the end -- he’s a sexual force with which to be reckoned. And while square-jawed Thanos and cage-masked The Other bring the average down a bit, the power of Loki easily breaks this film into the top 50%.
Square Peg: I’ll be singing this until the cows come home, but Thanos does nothing for me in any of his incarnations.
Tableau: This is definitely Top Loki, and really the last movie where he’s the clear villain. After this, he veers into ‘shitty brother who is a little villainous’ territory.
Christmas Pug: Said it once and will say it again: would eff.
Bangability: 5.80
Daniel Brühl as Helmut Zemo
Frank Grillo as Brock Rumlow / Crossbones
This movie is just full of sexiness. At the core you have mastermind Helmut Zemo, a grieving father and husband who is pretty hot to trot with that sexy widow stank on him. And then, on the periphery, you have Tony Stark, whose sexiness is elusive to some, dom-gear Brock Rumlow, and zaddy/daddy Thaddeus. All told, it’s a pretty bangable group of whiteys.
Tableau: I’m not into any of this, really. But I understand, objectively, the attraction to these dudes.
Square Peg: Daniel Brühl is just so attractive. Look at how that one lock of hair flops so perfectly over his forehead!
Christmas Pug: I’m literally bored just thinking about banging these dudes (boom, roasted).
Bangability 6.07
Kurt Russell as Ego
Chris Sullivan as Taserface
For a movie as unevenly written and produced as GOTG2, it still manages to have a ton of extremely attractive and alluring villains. Ayesha, the High Priestess of the quasi-master-racey Sovereign, gets more attractive the more unhinged she becomes. And Kurt Russell as Ego the Living Planet maintains the high level of bangability he’s had since the beginning of his film career. And a huge part of his character is sexing up as many species as possible. That's hot (tm Paris Hilton). Taserface’s scrotal visage brings the score down considerably, as does Ego once he goes true baddie and gets all grey and sandy.
Tableau: Taserface gets no respect, even on this board. Without him, this movie would definitely have ranked higher on this list.
Square Peg: There’s no denying the appeal of that twinkle in Kurt Russell’s eye.
Christmas Pug: Yes to Ayesha. Yes to space ladies in general.
Bangability: 6.37
Frank Grillo as Brock Rumlow
Robert Redford as Alexander Pierce
Toby Jones as Arnim Zola (computer)
It makes sense that Bucky Barnes has been in suspended animation, because his hair and overall gravel-y sexiness is more reminiscent of early 90s Kurt Cobain or Ethan Hawke than any present-day dreamboats. But, because it’s a Marvel movie, he’s also jacked AF. Rounding out the trio of sexiness is Brock Rumlow (less charred than he is in Avengers 2) and forever Sexiest Man Alive Robert Redford (playing secret Hydra agent Alexander Pierce). Though Pierce’s smoldering sexiness is anything but agreed upon (Tableau is the cheese that stands alone on that one), everyone agrees that Computer Zola isn’t really much to bang home about.
Christmas Pug: I don’t care what you say, Alexander Pierce is basically dead in “sexy woman years,” and I can’t stand behind a society that would sexualize him and not a lady counterpart of the same generation.
Tableau: I’m all for pudgy elf Zola in the first Captain America, but the Commodore 64 version is more floppy disk than hard drive. I've never had a sexual thought about The Oregon Trail, and I don't intend to start now.
Square Peg: Brock Rumlow is definitely attractive, but he’s such an asshole that it cancels out.
Bangability: 6.43
Lee Pace as Ronan the Accuser
Michael Rooker as Yondu Udonta
Karen Gillan as Nebula
Josh Brolin as Thanos
For the first Guardians film, it’s the battle of the sexy blue baddies. Since all the protagonists are also criminals, it’s a little hard to parse out the true villains. Still, if you’re blue in this movie, you’re at least on notice. And Ronan the Accuser definitely tries to kill a whole planet full of people, so his villainy is not under dispute. Neither are THOSE ABS and DAT BUTT:
Tableau: This whole movie is filled with a bunch of Sexy Smurfs.
Square Peg: I definitely have a Lee Pace thing, but the cakey black blood on his face and his overall growly nature makes him a lot less bangable. Even if he is the first Marvel Villain to give us a butt shot.
Christmas Pug: I don’t know what it is about alien women that just GETS ME. All the points to Nebula.
#3 Iron Man 3
Bangability: 7.17
Rebecca Hall as Maya Hansen
Ben Kingsley as Trevor Slattery/The Mandarin
Once again, Tony goes up against a business rival who’s not as smart as him and hates him for his intellect and suaveness. Yawn. Thankfully, the rivals (Aldrich Killian and Maya Hansen) in this movie are bangable, which makes the high-stakes business one-upmanship a little more fun to watch. Maya Hansen was originally going to be the main villain of the film, which would have been a welcome change of pace for Marvel films (so few have a female villain, let alone a female MAIN villain). Thankfully, even with a diminished role, her bangability remains at an all-time high. This film’s hot quotient is ultimately done in by Aldrich’s awkward tattoo placement and Trevor Slattery’s general existence. Only Square Peg’s high score for Faux-Mandarin kept him afloat.
Tableau: Maya Hansen is incredibly attractive and has believable sexual chemistry with both Tony Stark and Gwyneth Paltrow’s Pepper Potts.
Square Peg: There’s something oddly appealing about The Mandarin, and we do literally see him post-coitally getting out of bed. So, we know he bangs.
Christmas Pug: Maya Hansen is v bangable, and I wish I could say I wouldn’t bang someone with Aldrich’s tattoos, but we all know I would.
#2 Ant-Man
Bangability: 7.67
The only movie on this list with only one villain, its bangability ranking is firmly high because the single bad guy is also extremely attractive. Sure, he kills without mercy and uses Ant-Man’s daughter as a hostage, but you can’t deny the swagger.
Tableau: I’m not going to really comment on the attractiveness, except to say that he is seemingly a psychopath. So that maybe knocks a point off?
Christmas Pug: I love da baldies!!!
Square Peg: Corey is an attractive fella, but I don’t go in for suits.
Bangability: 9.0
Cate Blanchett as Hela
Jeff Goldblum as Grandmaster
Karl Urban as Skurge
Without much competition, the latest Thor movie is the sexiest film through and through. You’ve got sexy-ass Thor, super sexual (and bisexual) Valkyrie, and Hulk butt. And that’s just on the good guy side. On the bad side, you have sexual chameleon Jeff Goldblum as the Grandmaster, noted hottie-with-a-body Tom Hiddleston, and Cate Blanchett as the Goddess of Death (and God’s Sexual Gift to Humanity), Hela. The heat coming off this movie is intense, and it’s basically hemorrhaging horniness. This movie is a bang-fest, and that’s without even mentioning the long sequence where the heroes ride around in an orgy spaceship. Genitals are basically exploding off the screen.
Christmas Pug: Five thousand stars to Cate Blanchett!
Tableau: Like every young person who watched Jurassic Park, I’ve been low-key sexually attracted to Jeff Goldblum for most of my life. And this is just the cherry on the sexy sundae.
Square Peg: The horns only make Cate more attractive. Plus, I’m weirdly turned on by the fact that, if I were banging Jeff Goldblum, he could kill me at any moment with his weird melty death stick.
***
This whole list started as an experiment to see if a Marvel film's villain bangability matched up with the overall quality of the film. And, with a few exceptions, things do line up nicely. Maybe Ant-Man and Thor: Ragnarok aren't the best MCU films, but they are the most fun. Perhaps Iron Man 3 isn't the best Iron Man movie, but it is the most artfully directed and deep. And maybe we shouldn't look too hard at this list. Let's instead look to Hollywood and the entire celebrity-fueled industry and thank them all for being so bangable and willing to be exploited for our pleasure (and their extreme financial gain). And then, after you've heaped praise onto the already overpraised, go out into the world and bang on.
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