Hit or Miss: Quick Movie Reviews 9: Procrastinator Edition

Hello there, dear readers. I haven't written a legit blog post in almost two months, and the ratio of movies I've seen vs. movies I've reviews has gotten impressively large. The main reason behind that is that I was a producer on a television series for most of April and May, which meant most of my free time was spent thinking about one specific TV show rather than writing about a myriad TV shows and movies.  To rectify that, I present condensed reviews of many of the recent releases I've imbibed. Should you HIT the theater to watch them, or maybe MISS them entirely. The only way to know is to read on!!

Age of Adaline

Starring: Blake Lively, Michiel Huisman, Ellen Burstyn, and Harrison Ford

Time goes by so slowly
for those who wait.

The Story: After a car crash and a freak electrocution, Adaline (Lively) is dismayed to find out that she can't age.  Afraid of what the government might do to her if they find out, she continually changes her identity and runs away from any kind of attachment. Her only confidant is her daughter (Ellen Burstyn), who Adaline must watch age while she stays the same.

Pros: It's an interesting story, and it's well-acted. Blake Lively convincingly portrays a 100+ year-old in a 20-something body.

Cons: The narration is clunky and unnecessary, and the film's attempts to scientifically explain Adaline's condition only makes her condition seem even more ludicrous. And, despite glimpses of her past, the story stays mostly in the present, which deprives the audience of seeing Adaline as she makes her way through life in the 1900s. Instead, we watch a tepid love story between two very attractive people, one of whom has a secret. Oooooo.

Consensus: This movie is totally worth a $1 rental in Redbox, and it's not a bad way to spend two hours if you can't find anything good on Netflix. Still, it's totally MISS-able in theaters.

George Clooney Pulls Off Greatest Prank Yet

Though we don't yet know whether Clooney's marriage to lawyer/activist Amal Alamuddin was part of a complicated casino heist OR his latest attempt to prank a bunch of his friends into giving him gifts before sending them thank you notes with the word "PSYCH" in beautiful calligraphy, we do know that the world's most eligible bachelor has pulled his latest escapade with his signature smug confidence and debonair attitude.

Yesterday, post heist/prank, Alamuddin and Clooney were seen riding boats in Venice, Italy, saltwater spraying their utilitarian sunglasses and wind interacting perfectly with their beautifully coiffed hair. While many believe their confidence will be their undoing, at this point Venetian police have yet to intercede and bring charges against the international stars and thieves.

Whether or not jewels were hidden in the folds of her dress are still unknown, but onlookers did spy a moment when George Clooney, seemingly out of reach of the paparazzi, shared a moment with guests/cohorts Brad Pitt and Matt Damon, the three of them quietly staring at a fountain with content smiles on their faces.

I extend a congratulations and slow clap to the happy couple.

The Veronica Mars Movie Is Upon Us, And It's Important

March 14th might well go down as one of the most important dates in cinematic history, and nothing major is happening. Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt aren't sitting down with Oprah to discuss their (seemingly decades-spanning) divorce. George Clooney won't reveal that his whole career has been one long prank, and he's really a married father of two from Topeka. Alfred Hitchcock probably isn't coming back from the dead, ready to declare war on the blondes and homosexuals that he loves and hates so much. No, Friday, March 14th is the official premiere date for the little Kickstarter movie that could: Veronica Mars.

Now, I don't mean to be hyperbolic, but the Veronica Mars movie is a genuinely important touchstone in film and television history. Over the last decade or so, there has been a power shift in the way fans of shows are treated by the general public and by the very people and shows that they are fans of. It used to be that die-hard fans were relegated to the sticky floors of Conference Room B, desperate for a view of a C-List actor at whatever half-hearted convention was being thrown.  Filmmakers like George Lucas derided the fans' input (he has since – wisely – recanted on his earlier beliefs), and there was shame even among the fans themselves. Carefully homemade Star Trek uniforms were shoved to the back of closets, their owners frightened that anyone outside of a 'con' know of their existence (requisite

Quick Reviews: 2014 Best Picture Nominees, Part 2

I thought I was a genius, back in November, when I decided to hold off reviewing some movies in case they were up for Best Picture. That way, I wouldn't have to spend 150 words making jokes about a serious movie that didn't even register with the Academy. 'That'll be future Tableau's problem,' I said, to no one, while laughing and consuming an unhealthy amount of lemon yogurt. And while that strategy did mean that I don't have to review Blue Jasmine or Saving Mr. Banks, it does mean that I have to churn out nine reviews in a fairly short amount of time. So, yeah, I'm pretty mad at myself.

Having already reviewed four of the nine movies up for Best Picture, it's now time to turn to the other five, including the two front-runners for the big win on Sunday. It's about to get EPIC...ally classy and thoughtful up in this b*tch:

On Pranking: A Post for George Clooney

These are the victims,

I'm going to keep this short. George Clooney - stop pranking people. You're a grown-ass man (and, from the rumors, a grown ass-man). I just listened to an interview wherein you talk about getting back at Tina Fey and Amy Poehler for making fun of you at the Golden Globes. You were trying to make it seem 'in good fun', but, when you opened your mouth, all I could hear was a whiny little b*tch who's upset that someone had the audacity to make fun of him.

I remember when I first read about your pranking adventures on the set of Ocean's 11. They sounded hilarious, a fun reminder that celebrities like to have a good time. But, at the time, I was in my teens and you were in your (late) 30s. You're 52 now, and you've been pranking for far too long. It's time to stop pranking people. It makes you seem like a doofus, like you've never progressed past being a 8-year-old, plastic-wrapping the toilet seat and laughing as your aunt, Rosemary Clooney, pooped all over herself.

George, you may think that your pranking makes you seem like a fun playboy, a Gatsby-esque figure, gallivanting and cavorting and what have you. It doesn't, and you need to quit before one of your pranks goes too far and your girlfriend's husband's mistress ends up dead. That's a literary reference that I can make because I am a grown-up who doesn't prank people. Less and less people are going to enjoy your Michael Clayton-esque films when you keep sounding like a member of Jackass.

Stop it. No. Bad George Clooney. Bad.

Ranking the Batman Films: Part 1

After we watched The Dark Knight Rises, the final film in Christopher Nolan's epic trilogy, we thought it would be good to go back through the seven films that have made up the modern Batman films thus far, starting with Tim Burton's Batman in 1989, continuing through Joel Schumacher's Batman & Robin (that temporarily killed the franchise) and ending with the Nolan films in the last seven years. How did they stack up to one another? Which was the best? And since we couldn't make up our minds alone (this was too important), we enlisted the help of tons of guest bloggers, friends, and colleagues to rate and talk about the seven films. Or, at least, we tried to talk to all of our guest bloggers - My Mom kindly declined, saying that "these are frivolous movies. I have no need for them." Harsh words, but, for the rest of us, here are the rankings: