Quick Reviews: 2014 Best Picture Nominees, Part 2

I thought I was a genius, back in November, when I decided to hold off reviewing some movies in case they were up for Best Picture. That way, I wouldn't have to spend 150 words making jokes about a serious movie that didn't even register with the Academy. 'That'll be future Tableau's problem,' I said, to no one, while laughing and consuming an unhealthy amount of lemon yogurt. And while that strategy did mean that I don't have to review Blue Jasmine or Saving Mr. Banks, it does mean that I have to churn out nine reviews in a fairly short amount of time. So, yeah, I'm pretty mad at myself.

Having already reviewed four of the nine movies up for Best Picture, it's now time to turn to the other five, including the two front-runners for the big win on Sunday. It's about to get EPIC...ally classy and thoughtful up in this b*tch:

Quick Reviews: Best Picture Nominees

The Academy Awards are upon us. Starlets are picking out their dresses, Billy Crystal is getting his hair dyed and his forehead injected with some last-minute Botox, and we here at Tableau Your Mind have to review the nine films up for Best Picture. It’s been a strange road, mostly because there are so many movies that we did not want to see. Nothing shows the old, male WASP-iness of the Academy voters like this class of nominees. Almost no independent films made it on the list, veteran directors were rewarded for sub-par work, and schmaltz was praised above all. Unlike last year’s smorgasbord of impressive films, we are given this lackluster collection of nominees. Still, we’re sure we can get through these nominees and find a clear winner. Also, just for kicks, we’re going to include the movies that should have been nominated.