Hello.

It's been over two months since I last posted anything to this blog. Work got busy, a baby took up all my free time, and I wasn't really in a mood to write. And then...

(source)

... someone went and woke me up again. That is, I had the extreme pleasure to see Adele perform today, as part of an iHeartRadio broadcast that should be airing any minute now. She was performing at Joe's Pub, the site of her US debut 7 years prior and my favorite music venue in the world.

Adele at Joe's Pub
(Photo Credit: Danny Williams)

She was amazing, both in her performance and the following interview. She's like a fun mix of Jennifer Lawrence;s relatability, Emma Thompson's goofy wit, and Shirley Bassey's pipes. Obviously, "Hello" has been playing on repeat in my apartment for weeks (and the houses and apartment of literally tens of millions of people), and her album, 25, has already had a few plays on the ol' iPhone. But I've never heard her perform live, and it's a truly incredible experience. Her voice is so powerful and pure, and the emotional resonance of her songs are so clear. 

And then she's funny, too, in ways that are kind of unexpected. She drops jokes about motherhood and incontinence with equal aplomb, and her full-throated cackle is infectious.

She's a very personable artist who's created another incredibly personal album. Aren't we all lucky to be a part of it?

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to collapse into a heap of my own emotions and listen to the album again.

Jennifer Lawrence Leaves X-Men, Creating a Giant, Mystique-sized Hole

Apparently Jennifer Lawrence is leaving the current X-Men franchise after the next movie (X-Men: Apocalypse). It definitely makes sense. Even with an all-star cast, Lawrence is too big a star to be just one part of a larger machine. She's Katniss freakin' Everdeen. Plus, and I hate to say this, she hasn't really been that good in the two X-Men films she's been in. She's a little Sleepytime Tea. Even Rebecca Romijn brings more to the part.

So, with Lawrence on her way out, we turn to dream casting. Mystique is such an incredible character, and you want someone that can act through makeup and prosthetics to give a commanding performance. And I only know one person who can do that, and it's analrapist-turned-actor Tobias Onyango Fünke, from Arrested Development:

Now, I know what you're thinking: 

Film Review: The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 1

Everyone wants you to lead the revolution but you're a big dummy...
What's a beautiful archer to do!?

Oof. I really went into the newest Hunger Games movie with the best attitude I could muster. Sure, the third book is the weakest in the series, and splitting it into two movies seems like a cash grab with no other reason behind it, but I really wanted to like the movie. It's got actors I really love, including newcomer-to-the-series Julianne Moore, and the movie promised some new locales, a meatier role for Liam Hemsworth, and some interesting thoughts about the perils and pitfalls of war. But... oof (2X), this movie is a dreary mess. Its plodding narrative is matched only by its overuse of exposition.  But there are some silver linings on these noxious, money-grubbing clouds. Let's look it over.

Good News, Everybody! [The Force Awakens]

Man, it seems like the world is heading to hell in a handbasket. Early winter is causing people to have Premature Seasonal Affective Disorder (or Pre-SAD). Interstellar was a beautiful bore of a film. Bill Cosby is probably a serial rapist. Kim Kardashian's attempts to 'break the internet' only resulted in the breaking of humanity's collective spirit. And Chris Brown still exists.

Still, it's not all bad news! There are some glimmers of hope on the horizon. When you're feeling down and out, let this news be your bridge over troubled waters:

Gwyneth Paltrow Is Thirsty for POTUS

It's been a while since Gwyneth Paltrow consciously uncoupled from her husband, noted 'singer' Chris Martin. He's moved on (apparently to Lawrencier pastures), and it was only a matter of time before she did the same. And, since Ms. Paltrow is the most powerful woman in the world (according to sources-close-to-her-but-probably-it's-just her-doing-a-funny-accent), it is understandable that she would look for a mate of equal caliber. That man, apparently, is the President of the United States.

Yes, Paltrow went fishing for some Head of State tail, hosting a benefit for President Barack Obama at her home in California and really laying the compliments on thick. While speaking at the event, Gwinnie made it clear how big a fan she is of our nation's leader, talking about how he reinvigorated politics and he's so great at President-ing and whatnot. While her effusiveness is easy to understand, the following quote from her speech is a little less defensible:

"You’re so handsome that I can’t speak properly"

Keep it in your pants, Paltrow.  He's the President, not the newest bachelor on The Bachelor. Plus, you're in public, your kids are in the room, and he's married to a woman who could bench press you. 

We all know you've been lonely. And, sure, you're thirsty...

...but you need to find someone a little further down on the totem pole. That's why you married someone from Coldplay instead of marrying someone from Radiohead. You need someone who you can exert a little power over.

Don 't be an Olivia Pope, Gwyn. Be a Jennifer Lopez.

OSCARS!

The glitz! The glamour! The weird interludes where Ellen didn't seem to know what she was doing!
And, of course, the selfie heard 'round the world:

Looking at this photo, I'm mostly happy because Angelina Jolie, a woman who takes herself way too seriously, got in all the goofiness. Even Kevin Spacey's dopey face won't keep me from enjoying that.

I was going to talk about the REAL WINNERS AND LOSERS, but the ceremony was kind of neutrally fine. It didn't ruffle anyone's feathers, Spike Jonze won for writing Her, 12 Years a Slave won Best Picture, and Gravity won pretty much everything else. It was a good time.

Quick Reviews: 2014 Best Picture Nominees, Part 1

In what has basically become a self-imposed tradition, it is now time for Tableau Your Mind to review the nine films up for Best Picture. I did this mostly for you – I didn't want to watch half of these movies. When the Academy first opened up the Best Picture race to (up to) 10 nominees, it seemed like a good idea. Movies that would have previously been relegated to other categories or completely forgotten were given a chance to shine. Last year's Beasts of the Southern Wild and Amour come to mind, as well as the heartbreaking Toy Story 3 a few years prior. But this year, with a few exceptions, it seems like the Best Picture race is almost completely full of the kinds of movies that are 'supposed' to be in the race, and very few of them feel fresh at all. In a year teeming with innovation and beautifully told movies, a lot of these nominees just feel silly. Why are we even looking at Captain Phillips while Frances Ha and The Kings of Summer are completely out of the race? Still, each of the nine movies nominated do contain moments of quality, and some are legitimately great movies. So, let's take a look at four  of the movies up for Best Picture (Dallas Buyers Club, Philomena, American Hustle, and Her) with a quick list of Pros, Cons, and my guess as to whether Best Picture is in their grasps (some minor spoilers, but nothing you wouldn't get from the trailer):

Tableau Your Mind's 300th Post! [Hooray]

This is officially the 300th Post on Tableau Your Mind. It's been over three years since my first post, back when I was still writing in the 'we and us' tense and drawing most of my pictures on Microsoft Paint.  'we' Over 299 posts, that 'we' has changed to 'I' and  Paint has changed to Photoshop, Illustrator, the occasional Scanned Drawing, and, yeah, Paint. Still the mission of this blog has basically stayed the same: be a place for people to have fun, read about all different elements of pop culture both broad and niche, and look at some rudimentary fan art (hey, I didn't take Art 1 twice in high school for nothing).

With that in mind, I thought it would be fun to look at the drafts of some of the pictures I drew, a glimpse at how a 'painting' goes from initial sketch to finished product:

Best of 2013 Part 2: Films and Events

A solid 3.5 weeks after going through the momentous TV and music events of 2013, it's time now to turn to the movies and general events that defined the year. Again, it's difficult to look at the year as a whole, because it seems like we are constantly teetering between instant forgetfulness AND instant nostalgia. We're like that guy from Memento who wanted that mint to impress that tattoo artist. Or something. It's really hard to remember what that movie was about. And I miss it dearly. 

Anyway... let's look at the film moments and new cultural touchstones that shaped 2013:

Best of 2013: A Year With Jennifer Lawrence, A Year Without Kristen Stewart

J Law: Bringing It.

Maddeningly (to me and no one else), I have yet to finish my "Best of 2013" round-up. I'm Richard MAD-den at myself. I'm Tyler Perry's A MAD-ea Christmas. I'm Mäd-chen Amick about my procrastinatory nature. So, in an effort to get this 2013 coverage rolling (and to stall a little longer), let's talk about a person who definitely won 2013. And that person is Jennifer Lawrence.

(I MADE THIS!)

Now, people in my head, before you yell at me for writing another post about a blonde lady, it was undeniably Jennifer Lawrence's year (along with fellow blonde lady Beyoncé). She starred in the highest grossing film of the year AND got some sweet accolades for her performance in American Hustle. She also dominated the public consciousness, seemingly popping up at press conferences and talk shows every few days

Things That Are Not Slavery: A Post For David O. Russell

Jennifer Lawrence: Not a Slave

In a recent interview with New York Daily News, director David O. Russell talked about Jennifer Lawrence, one of the stars of his recent movie American Hustle (and last year's Silver Linings Playbook). Speaking about her contract with The Hunger Games franchise, Russell said, "I'll tell you what it is about that girl — talk about 12 years of slavery, that's what the franchise is. And I'm going to get in so much trouble for saying that." Thankfully, the internet exploded in rage, calling out Russell for the ridiculousness of that statement. Jennifer Lawrence was, after all, paid $10 million for being in the second Hunger Games film. Even with inflation, that's $10 million more than almost all slaves were paid during the entirety of slavery in the United States COMBINED (not just the hilarious '12 years' timeline that Russell posits, which is a nod to another film possibly up for Best Picture).

Also, unlike slaves, Jennifer Lawrence is able to make films in between being shackled to her oppressors (who are, again, paying her a relative ass-ton of money to put on costumes and pretend to be someone else when it isn't her stunt double's time to pretend to be Jennifer Lawrence pretending to be someone else). Ultimately, Russell apologized for his comments, saying that it was a poor attempt at humor. Oh, humor, that nebulous region that can excuse all faux pas, a region that, with his film winning Best Comedy at the Golden Globes, Russell knows all too well.

Now, David O. Russell, I'd like to talk directly to you.

Quick Reviews: 'The Hunger Games: Catching Fire'

Katniss: The Mockingjay Girl on Fire Who Freezes on Camera

When I reviewed the first Hunger Games movie last year, I called it an 'above average adaptation of a book that is extremely difficult to adapt.' Above average is pretty much the meanest thing I've ever said about a movie that stars Jennifer Lawrence, so it was a pretty

Quick Reviews: 'Thor: The Dark World'

Marvel's Very Own Shakespearean Tragedy

Call me crazy, but I really liked the first Thor movie. Directed by Shakespeare's own Kenneth Branagh, the movie had a good speed, classic heroes and villain archetypes, and a fairly simple story of betrayal, family, and honor. It was like watching a play at the freaking theater, but with magic!  So I had pretty high hopes for the second film in this Marvel property, and all-in-all I wasn't too disappointed.  Thor 2: The Streets picks up some time after The Avengers, and, after a confusing prologue, once again focuses on Dr. Jane Foster (Natalie Portman) and her merry band of science imbeciles. Foster is working to get over her

Jennifer Lawrence Is Our Evita Peron (go with me on this one)

So, I was listening to the soundtrack to Evita and watching The Hunger Games at the same time last night. (That's right, I'm pretty awesome) After the movie ended, Jennifer Lawrence and Evita (the person) were temporarily yet strongly smushed together in my brain. In my defense, Lawrence and Evita Peron have a lot of things in common. I'm going to make a list right now, and, because one of the women is dead, the verb tenses are going to get a little tricky.

So, both women are actresses, they both rose to fame at a relatively early age, they moved from small towns to big cities to chase their dreams (Louisville, KY isn't exactly small, but it's no New York), their hair often changes color wildly from brunette to blonde, they both received incredible acclaim early in their professional lives (Oscar winner, First Lady of Argentina), and at one point, despite massive economic and political turmoil, they were the most fascinating thing happening in their respective countries. More than that, though, they both exude an everywoman, working class sensibility while also somewhat representing the ideal woman (up for debate, personal preference, covering my own ass with this parenthetical note, etc). So, obviously, I had to combine one of my favorite songs in Evita with GIFs of Jennifer Lawrence:

The Academy Awards: The REAL Winners and Losers

It was a weird night of television, and, as we predicted and despite a Best Director snub, Argo won Best Picture at the Academy Awards last night/this morning, and most of the other people who were going to win Oscars won Oscars. Instead of looking at the winners and losers, we're going to look at the real winners and losers, the people/trends that really stood out during the ceremony:

Quick Reviews: Best Picture Nominees, Part 1 of 3

Get Your Punch Cards Ready

The Academy Awards are just around the corner, and it’s time to look at the nine films vying for the Best Picture Oscar. Surprisingly, we've only reviewed one of the nine films gunning for the top spot, so we thought it would be a good idea to review all of 'em as fast as possible. Last year we reviewed ten films in one post in an attempt to see which films were Oscar contenders, and this year we're bringing you the reviews in three, easy-to-digest segments. So, we're going to be brief, but not 'last year' brief.

Since it is Valentine's Day, let’s start with the three films that deal most exclusively with love:

Film Review: The Hunger Games

Katniss learns Peeta's 'True' Feelings

We can all breathe a collective sigh of relief. The Hunger Games is not a bad movie. In fact, it’s a rather good movie. It's not going to please everyone - fans of the book series on which it is based have been feverish in their criticism of the film from the moment it was announced,

The Hunger Games: I'm Starving for It!

Elizabeth Banks as Effie Trinket

I am a huge fan of The Hunger Games book series. I was late to the game (hah! puns!), admittedly - several years late. Still, being behind allowed me to read the entire book series all at once over the course of a very emotionally intense three days. It was just me, sitting at

[Spoiler Alert] Best Picture Nominees #7: Winter's Bone

People working their fingers to the bone

Even with ten nominees, there is still contention about which films are going to make it into the top spots. This year, Winter's Bone and 127 Hours seem to be the films that squeaked in a nomination in place of movies like The Town and The Ghost Writer (which probably owes its lack of a nomination to Polanski problems). This is actually great for the world, because now more people will see Winter's Bone, a stirring film with amazingly