OSCARS!

The glitz! The glamour! The weird interludes where Ellen didn't seem to know what she was doing!
And, of course, the selfie heard 'round the world:

Looking at this photo, I'm mostly happy because Angelina Jolie, a woman who takes herself way too seriously, got in all the goofiness. Even Kevin Spacey's dopey face won't keep me from enjoying that.

I was going to talk about the REAL WINNERS AND LOSERS, but the ceremony was kind of neutrally fine. It didn't ruffle anyone's feathers, Spike Jonze won for writing Her, 12 Years a Slave won Best Picture, and Gravity won pretty much everything else. It was a good time.

Quick Reviews: 2014 Best Picture Nominees, Part 2

I thought I was a genius, back in November, when I decided to hold off reviewing some movies in case they were up for Best Picture. That way, I wouldn't have to spend 150 words making jokes about a serious movie that didn't even register with the Academy. 'That'll be future Tableau's problem,' I said, to no one, while laughing and consuming an unhealthy amount of lemon yogurt. And while that strategy did mean that I don't have to review Blue Jasmine or Saving Mr. Banks, it does mean that I have to churn out nine reviews in a fairly short amount of time. So, yeah, I'm pretty mad at myself.

Having already reviewed four of the nine movies up for Best Picture, it's now time to turn to the other five, including the two front-runners for the big win on Sunday. It's about to get EPIC...ally classy and thoughtful up in this b*tch:

Quick Reviews: 2014 Best Picture Nominees, Part 1

In what has basically become a self-imposed tradition, it is now time for Tableau Your Mind to review the nine films up for Best Picture. I did this mostly for you – I didn't want to watch half of these movies. When the Academy first opened up the Best Picture race to (up to) 10 nominees, it seemed like a good idea. Movies that would have previously been relegated to other categories or completely forgotten were given a chance to shine. Last year's Beasts of the Southern Wild and Amour come to mind, as well as the heartbreaking Toy Story 3 a few years prior. But this year, with a few exceptions, it seems like the Best Picture race is almost completely full of the kinds of movies that are 'supposed' to be in the race, and very few of them feel fresh at all. In a year teeming with innovation and beautifully told movies, a lot of these nominees just feel silly. Why are we even looking at Captain Phillips while Frances Ha and The Kings of Summer are completely out of the race? Still, each of the nine movies nominated do contain moments of quality, and some are legitimately great movies. So, let's take a look at four  of the movies up for Best Picture (Dallas Buyers Club, Philomena, American Hustle, and Her) with a quick list of Pros, Cons, and my guess as to whether Best Picture is in their grasps (some minor spoilers, but nothing you wouldn't get from the trailer):