.png) |
| Jack Donaghy Loves You, Wants to Marry You. |
On 30 Rock Thursday Rock, we have
looked at the many loves in Liz Lemon’s life. It’s only fair that we now focus
on the women in the life of Liz’s friend/mentor, Jack Donaghy. For a man who
boasts many an accomplishment in the bedroom (in an episode a few weeks ago he
was a little too proud to be called a slut), Jack is actually the character who
tries the hardest to find love and marriage. He gets engaged as often as Liz eats
mediocre turkey subs, which is to say that he gets engaged a lot.
To fully understand Jack and his many engagements, we’re going to examine the women with whom he has had his most serious relationships on a few criteria: Their chemistry with Jack (1-10), their level of crazy (1-10), and the level
of jealousy they felt towards Liz (1-10):
Bianca (Isabella Rossellini)
Jack’s first marriage, to Bianca,
was filled with mind games and sexual one-upsmanship. They were too intense to
last (like a brilliant, violent firework), but they were also too emotionally
attached to separate. Bianca, though apparently cool-headed, freaked the freak
out when she thought Jack was engaged to Liz, resorting to pulling Liz's hair,
stripping her, and attempting to beat her with a broken wine bottle (see picture Right). Ah, L’amour!
Jack and Bianca were embroiled in
a divorce settlement that lasted 18 years, and they are presumably still
embroiled in a battle over a Telluride-based Arby's (Bianca loves her Big Beef and Cheddars). Many ladies
have followed Bianca, but none have quite the same place in our hearts.
Best Line:
“I hate seeing Johnny happy!”
Charisma: 10 – Such fiery, age-appropriate chemistry
Crazy: 10
Liz Jealousy: 10
Phoebe (Emily Mortimer)
Jack moved on pretty quickly from
Bianca, due to some not-so-gentle nudging by Rip Torn Don Geiss. Phoebe, who is
only possibly British and could definitely be faking her devastating
combination of Avian Bone Syndrome (hollow bones) and Vertigo, is rude,
conceited, and works at an auction house that sells beautiful and violent
paintings of horses. In an attempt to have him all to herself, Phoebe convinces
Jack that Liz is in love with him, which causes a momentary rift in their
burgeoning friendship and sends Liz on a crusade of truth. Ultimately, though,
it’s the fact that Jack doesn't love Phoebe that permanently severs their
relationship. Well, that and the fact that she was causing him to have stress-induced
heart attacks.
Best Line:
“Careful, my bones!”
Chemistry: 4 – They were cute
together, but you can’t be both romantically compatible with someone AND
accidentally fall asleep on top of her during sex.
Crazy: 9 – Kill the wabbit! Kill the wabbit!
Liz Jealousy: 5
Congresswoman Celeste
"CC" Cunningham (Edie Falco)
Jack and CC met while on
opposing sides of a Sheinhardt Wigs fiasco, where, if memory serves, some
tainted water runoff from a factory was turning local children orange. Of
course, they only learned that they were on opposite sides after a night of
no-holds barred sex that definitely included furniture with wheels (“I gave her
the ottoman, and she walked out”). CC had some trust issues and a love of litigation, stemming from the time that a dog shot her face off and she sued. She was a Democrat, which gave Jack chills (not the good kind), but they overcame their differences to have a fairly healthy relationship. Their coupling didn't end in an engagement,
but this was due mostly to their relationship ending prematurely in preparation
for the writers’ strike (remember when that was a thing). In the show, their relationship
ended because it was hard to keep the passion alive while living apart, but
Jack really wanted to make it work, and, judging from his dating history, we
assume a proposal would have been right around the corner.
So far, aside from his mostly
off-screen relationship with Condoleezza Rice, this is Jack’s only former flame
to have shown up on 30 Rock after
their breakup, and she helped him out of a major governmental jam. So, props to her.
Best Line:
Liz: Well, I will leave you to
it.
CC: 'It' meaning 'business'.
Liz: Of course. I call the movie Risky Business 'Risky It' because ‘it’ means business.
Chemistry: 6 – They always seemed a little awkward around one another, but apparently they were doing bonkers stuff to one another in the boudoir. They were very compatible meat lovers pizza.
Crazy: 1 – Their relationship was
doomed to end as soon as she revealed herself to be a certified Non-Crazy
person.
Liz Jealousy: 0 – She understood.
Elisa Padriera (Salma Hayek)
It seems like, after CC, Jack
was in the mood for a little crazy. He quickly hopped on the Padreira Loco-motive,
which ran non-stop to Cuckoo Town, a suburb of Lunacy City (that might be too
much wordplay). Elisa was hired by Jack to take care of his ailing mother
Colleen (who got in numerous accidents that may or may not have been Jack’s
subconscious attempts to kill her), and she quickly stood out for her ridiculous body and her ability to subdue Colleen
with rapid-fire Spanish. Her Puerto Rican ways and working class background
made her seem exotic and new, and Jack fell in deep. She was pretty awesome in
the most confusing ways (she called Jack on his crap, she wore Battlestar Galactica t-shirts for no frakking reason, she was deeply religious, and she
loves McFlurrys). Also, their relationship brought on one of the best moments
in 30 Rock history, with the
introduction of El Generalissimo. Jack was sure that she was ‘The One’, and
Elisa was sure that Jack was ‘El Uno’, but ultimately their differences were
too lengthy to mention and to
overcome. Also, it turns out that Elisa once murdered her previous husband in a
jealous rage, a type of rage that she was extremely prone to. She even had the
nickname “La Viuda Negra” (The Black Widow), and Jack didn't need any of that
nonsense. Still, rumor has it she’s returning for the finale this Thursday, and
we hope she brings all of her nonsense with her.
Best Line:
“Lemon, isn't there a Slanket
somewhere you should be filling with your farts?”
Compatibility: 10 – Honestly, everyone in the world has a 10 when it comes to Salma Hayek. She crosses all sexual-preference boundaries.
Crazy: 11 – Did we mention that
she murdered her former husband? And was only let go because it was impossible
to find an impartial jury after a song came out about her?
Liz Jealousy: 6 – At first the
jealousy was a real issue, but then she realized that Liz was just Jack’s bro.
Nancy Doherty née Donovan
(Julianne Moore)
 |
| So Irish |
Jack: I’ll wait. Not forever.
Nancy: I’ll try. Wicked hard.
Or
Nancy: You look like a gay
mortician in that suit.
Compatibility: 8 – Never has Jack
been as fun-loving as when he was around Nancy, who definitely brought out the
kid in him (not in a creepy way). Plus, she wore some insane red lingerie which
you would think would clash with her hair but it didn’t.
Crazy: 4 – She wasn’t that crazy,
but she did jump into a relationship with Jack right after she ended hermarriage, and she was a little crazed (though justifiably) when she found out
that the second man she had ever slept with was currently sleeping with another
woman.
Liz Jealousy: 2 – Nothing really,
besides a few sideways looks and some comments about how progressive their
relationship seemed.
Avery Jessup (Elizabeth Banks)
Avery is almost the last woman on
this list, not because Jack hasn't dated anyone since, but because this was his
last brush with a super-serious relationship.
Avery was a CNBC anchor with amazing reporting skills and an even more
amazing repartee with Mr. Donaghy. They quickly hit it off, and it was immediately
clear that Jack had to try a lot harder to woo her. She was acutely aware of
his tricks, able to spot a fake excuse a mile away, and wasn’t easily
impressed. It took the one-two punch of creating a fake VIP lounge at TGS that Jon Bon Jovi had to attend and
proving that his weird, dug-fueled call from Liz was in fact a real thing. The best
thing about the start of their relationship was that it forced Jack to be on
his “A” game, since she was clearly not his equal, but his superior. She rocked
dresses that made her look like a slutty Grace Kelly, she gave him perfect
gifts, and she was incredibly adept at hiding her walks of shame.
 |
| Sure, they look like a dad dropping his daughter off at camp, but it's love, dammit! |
Jack started dating Avery after
he had rekindled a friendship with Nancy but before he actually started dating
her. However, he was soon embroiled in a multiple girlfriend situation, and he
couldn’t choose which woman to move forward with. Avery represented everything
new that could be accomplished; Nancy represented everything that he used to
be. He chose Nancy, but a surprise pregnancy soon turned that all around. Jack married Avery and they had a baby, thus
strengthening his bond with the hope of a brighter future, and all seemed right
with the world. However, Avery was soon kidnapped by Kim Jong Il and forced to
be an anchor on his terrible news program, effectively separating the couple
for a year. When they finally reunited, some mutual infidelity and the need to constantly pretend that everything was normal led to their relationship being strained. They soon divorced, realizing that they were only together for their daughter and that they weren't really right for
each other. This explanation was all a little too simplistic (and didn't reference their
very real feelings for one another), but we're sure all of this will come up
when Avery returns for the finale this week!
Jack: You can't control
everything, Avery. Sometimes it's just fate.
Avery: Ugh, is there gay juice in
the champagne?
Jack: See, I want you to teach
our child how to say awesome stuff like that.
Avery: I would be a kick-ass mom.
Chemistry: 9 – They’re a lot of
fun to watch.
Crazy: 7 – Her ultra-competitive
nature sometimes makes her a little bananas, and her pregnancy hormones were
nobody’s friend. Still, she’s no Bianca.
Liz Jealousy: 6 – There was some
real tension there, but soon Avery, like every woman before her, realized that
the platonic love that Jack and Liz share is inexplicable and also pretty harmless.
However…
Elizabeth Lemon (Tina Fey)
As it is with all great comedies,
there is a central love story that keeps everything together. This could be an
actual love story or a friendship that acts as an adhesive for the rest of the
show, keeping things together with strong bonds (ugh, extended metaphors are the worst). Liz and Jack, despite their differences, have
formed an incredible friendship over the last seven seasons. It’s never turned
explicitly romantic (there have been a few conversations, an accidental
marriage), yet it remains one of the most intricate couplings on television.
They have made us laugh, cry, and jack (that thing where you're so happy you
throw up), and we've been happy to have them in our homes. We'll miss this relationship most of all.
Best Line:
Liz, while recovering from oral
surgery: Jacky? He’s the best one. I don’t know what I would do without
him.
Chemistry: 10
Crazy: 10 – Oh, they’re both insane.
With almost all loose ends tied
up in last week's episode, one of the last remaining questions is “Who will
Jack end up with?” As previously mentioned, Elizabeth Banks and Salma Hayek are
reportedly returning in the final hour, and Avery and Elisa are two great
options for Jack. Still, in the same way that we wanted Liz to end up with
Wesley Snipes, we kind of want Jack to end up with Bianca. That's the kind of
crazy ending we can get behind.
Agree? Disagree? Let us know in
the comments OR keep it to yourself. Your call.
