2016 Best Picture Nominees: Part 1

Hello, reader people. Sorry for the silence this last month, After watching 425 movies in 2015, I've been finding it difficult to work up any energy about pop culture. Even updates on the Gilmore Girls revival have failed to rise me from my apathy. Well, that's a lie; I'm not made of stone. #TeamDean #Iknowhesabuttfacedmiscreantbuthewasinterestingandsweetinthefirstseason

Anyway... the OscarsSoWhite are this Sunday, which means it's time for film buffs the world over to fill out ballots, giddily predict winners with friends while getting mani-pedis, and angrily yell (in a bar at 8pm) about the fact that Dope isn't even nominated. That last one is maybe just me.

If you're like most members of the American public, you probably haven't seen most of the films up for Best Picture. I get it. Some of them are hella boring, and your time is precious. Still, nobody likes to be left out during a party (unless you're a dog that needs to pee), so I'm here to help you in your time of need. Consider me your Oscars Sherpa. Over the next two blog posts, I'll lay out the strengths and weaknesses of the nominees for Best Picture while also giving you some bon mots to keep your fellow partygoers delighted. Let's dig in!

The Big Short

Starring Steve Carrell, Ryan Gosling, Christian Bale, Brad Pitt, Dandy from AHS, Marisa Tomei, Hamish Linklater, and a ton of brown-haired white dudes

Directed by Adam McKay, Written by Charles Randolph and Adam McKay

Story: Basically it's the story of the housing market and economic collapse of 2008 disguised as a heist film. It's told from the perspective of the dudes who realized that the market was being over-inflated and made a lot of money betting on the prediction that the bubble would burst.

Pros: It's incredibly well-acted, particularly from Steve Carell (who is really the only sympathetic figure in the film). It's a great way to learn about recent American history, and it's fun that the tutors are Selena Gomez and Margot Robbie. It's occasionally funny and sporadically light-hearted.

Cons: The movie feels a little disjointed tonally and story-wise. None of the individual characters/story lines connect with one another (Christian Bale feels like he's on an ice floe separated from the rest of the main cast) and it ping-pongs wildly between comedy and drama. Also, like The Wolf of Wall Street before it, this is a film about awful people. They're markedly less awful than the people around them, but they're still betting on the fact that millions of people are going to lose money and financially collapse. Sure, it would happen even if they weren't betting on it, and they seem to get really torn up about it. But the fact that they are frowning while wealthy doesn't negate the fact that they are still becoming richer while other people suffer. All the Ocean's 11-type stylistic choices (and Ocean's 11's own Brad Pitt) aren't enough to make you forget that.

SHOULD it win Best Picture: No. It's a fine movie that should be remembered as an educational tool full of educational tools.

WILL it win Best Picture: It's one of three front-runners for Best Picture, but the prospects aren't good.

Fun Trivia for Oscar Night: If you look hard enough at the cast, you'll find at least one black person who is a woman and a few Asian Americans. None of them are the protagonists.

Bridge of Spies

Starring Tom Hanks, that guy from Friday Night Lights, Mark Rylance, I think a guy who was in that movie with a dolphin without a tail, winter coats, a bridge that's not as full of spies as I was promised, and Amy Ryan

Directed by Steven Spielberg, Written by Matt Charman, Ethan Coen, and Joel Coen

Story: In this "based on a true story" tale, Tom Hanks stars as a lawyer tasked with putting up a defense for a captured Soviet spy but puts too much oomph into it. And then he's hated by the American people. And then there's a bridge that has, like, two spies on it max. And then maybe America loses but democracy wins?

Pros: Amy Ryan brings a lot of weight to a role that is super light on the page, and Tom Hanks is reliably good. Better than he is in The Terminal (more like The Interminable, amirite), less good than he is in Big. Cold War spy dramas are really interesting, because there is a ton of build-up but often very little payoff. World War II ended with explosions. The Cold War sort of just fizzled out due to a poorly-planned skirmish with Afghanistan and some crumbling, load-bearing structures. That kind of unresolved tension fun to watch. Spielberg creates a type of gentleman's war, where decency is prized above all else, and all of the spying is so obvious it isn't even threatening. Like, anyone could catch these spies – there's not a Sydney Bristow among them. The film is also lovingly shot and, given that the story is super predictable, occasionally engaging.

Cons: From the man who directed the super boring War Horse comes an even more boring and less nuanced movie about an even colder war. I love Steven Spielberg, but this movie is so slowly paced and uninteresting. He's out of step with how films should feel and move. There are also very few surprises in the film.  From the beginning, you know whether or not Rylance's Rudolf Abel is a spy for the USSR, and that knowledge robs you of any excitement as the plot unfolds. Also, without the musical help of John Williams (whose score basically carried the lame War Horse on its back), the film falls flat. Every single person involved in this project has done something better. Also, there aren't nearly enough spies on the titular bridge.

SHOULD it win Best Picture: No. This is a nomination resulting from the contractual obligation of old Academy members to vote for everything Spielberg does, regardless of quality.

WILL it win Best Picture: No. 

Fun Trivia for Oscar Night: One of the most stirring moments in the film, wherein Hanks watches people get shot while trying to escape over a wall, never actually happened to the real life person Hanks is playing. It's cheap emotional chicanery.

Brooklyn

Starring Saoirse "rhymes with inertia" Ronan, Jim Broadbent, Emily Bett Rickards, Molly Weasley, Domhnall Gleeson, Emory Cohen, and Jessica Paré

Directed by John Crowley, Written by Nick Hornby

Story: Based on the novel by Colm Toibin, Brooklyn is the story of Eilis (Ronan), a young woman living in a small Irish town in the 1950s who moves to Brooklyn to make something of herself. Along the way, she makes mistakes, falls in love, and feels the pull of Ireland calling her home.

Pros: This is the first of the films on this list that made my Best Picture list. Successful adaptations of novels are surprisingly rare, because it's easy to make a film that feels dependent on the novel for full enjoyment (like Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire) or so faithful to the novel that the film fails to breathe any life onto the screen (like Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone). I haven't read the book on which Brooklyn is based, but I imagine it would be easy to adapt it into an incredibly boring film. This movie avoids boredom traps with the help of a great writer (Hornby) and an exceptional cast, led by the wonderful lost-Fanning-sister Saoirse Ronan. With power players on both sides of the camera, the film crackles with understated intensity and warmth. Eilis's journey becomes a relevant story of hope, rather than falling onto the pile of forgettable films in the same genre. It's also an incredibly pretty movie. I am disgusted by just the thought of beaches (sand – ugh, saltwater – double ugh), but the cinematography and costuming had me dreaming of putting on an old-timey one-piece and heading to Coney Island for a dip.

Cons: It's a long film, but the last fifteen minutes feel rushed, which seems to be a problem with 2015 films starring Domhnall Gleeson (ahem Star Wars and Ex Machina). I don't want to spoil any part of the movie, but Eilis has some decisions to make in the final act, and the film doesn't give her time to breathe and think. It all gets a little fluffy and fast in the final frames.

SHOULD it win Best Picture: It's a beautiful movie full of beautiful people, but it probably would have been a stronger contender 10 years ago. Or even 30 years ago.

WILL it win Best Picture: Nope. Ronan has the best chance at Oscar gold, and even she's a longshot.

Fun Trivia for Oscar Night: Though the film is primarily set in Brooklyn, only two days were spent there during filming. That's a boring fact, but it's the best I could do.

Mad Max: Fury Road 

(pasting and re-editing in my earlier review)

Starring Charlize Theron, Tom Hardy, Nicholas Hoult, Hugh Keays-Byrne, Zoe Kravitz, Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, and a ton of super pale Australians
Directed by George Miller, Written by George Miller, Brendan McCarthy, and Nick Lathouris
The Story: Set in an even more dystopian future than the first three Mad Max films, the titular Max once again finds himself in a situation where he begrudgingly helps out a band of underdogs (because it's the right thing to do, dammit!). But the movie is really more about Imperator Furiosa (Theron), a driver for the megalomaniacal Immortan Joe who takes an opportunity to do something good by depriving Joe of the thing(s) he loves most. What starts (and ends) as a car chase becomes a fight for decency and redemption.

Pros: This movie is gorgeous from start to finish. I've never seen a desert so beautiful and haunting, a bleak and constant reminder of the dangers the heroes face. Practical special effects make everything more interesting, and there's a guitar-playing Doof Warrior who is a lot of fun to watch. It's easy to discount the acting, with the minimal dialogue making the characters more like action figures than real people. However, Theron, Hardy, and Hoult all turn in amazing performances, able to balance the camp and grit of the film without being overwhelmed by it.

Cons: Honestly, there are very few cons. It's basically one-long chase/battle sequence, so it does occasionally feel repetitive. An extensive sequence in a dust-storm is particularly unnecessary, but it is really pretty.

SHOULD it win Best Picture: This surprisingly-feminist action movie is glorious from start to finish. It would be crazy if it won Best Picture, but in a good way.

WILL it win Best Picture: Probably not. It's genre-heavy in a genre that's not loved by the Academy.

Fun Trivia for Oscar Night: Director George Miller said he would not return for another installment, but then changed his tune as soon as he was nominated for Best Director.

That's all for Part 1. Check back soon for my reviews of the other four films nominated for Best Picture, and have a great day!

Hit or Miss: Quick Movie Reviews 9: Procrastinator Edition

Hello there, dear readers. I haven't written a legit blog post in almost two months, and the ratio of movies I've seen vs. movies I've reviews has gotten impressively large. The main reason behind that is that I was a producer on a television series for most of April and May, which meant most of my free time was spent thinking about one specific TV show rather than writing about a myriad TV shows and movies.  To rectify that, I present condensed reviews of many of the recent releases I've imbibed. Should you HIT the theater to watch them, or maybe MISS them entirely. The only way to know is to read on!!

Age of Adaline

Starring: Blake Lively, Michiel Huisman, Ellen Burstyn, and Harrison Ford

Time goes by so slowly
for those who wait.

The Story: After a car crash and a freak electrocution, Adaline (Lively) is dismayed to find out that she can't age.  Afraid of what the government might do to her if they find out, she continually changes her identity and runs away from any kind of attachment. Her only confidant is her daughter (Ellen Burstyn), who Adaline must watch age while she stays the same.

Pros: It's an interesting story, and it's well-acted. Blake Lively convincingly portrays a 100+ year-old in a 20-something body.

Cons: The narration is clunky and unnecessary, and the film's attempts to scientifically explain Adaline's condition only makes her condition seem even more ludicrous. And, despite glimpses of her past, the story stays mostly in the present, which deprives the audience of seeing Adaline as she makes her way through life in the 1900s. Instead, we watch a tepid love story between two very attractive people, one of whom has a secret. Oooooo.

Consensus: This movie is totally worth a $1 rental in Redbox, and it's not a bad way to spend two hours if you can't find anything good on Netflix. Still, it's totally MISS-able in theaters.

Hit or Miss: Quick Movie Reviews 8: 4th of July Edition

You guys! Here in America, it's Independence Day, which means it's time to celebrate 'Merica the only way we know how: drinking too much, eating a variety of meats, prank-calling anyone named Tim Howard, and spending a long weekend watching movies. To help you make the decision on what movie to see, I have spent the last few days watching a crap-load of movies. Like, I don't know how I do it. It's staggering. And since you can't spend this whole weekend in a cinema, I'mma tell you which ones to HIT the theater to see, and which ones you can MISS:

Hit Or Miss: Quick Movie Reviews 5!

It's summer again, which means that there are more movies in theaters than there is time to see them. There are indie darlings, action hero blockbusters, and raucous comedies. There are even a few dramas in there to spice things up. Since you can't see all of the movies (you have a life, after all), I saw them all for you (me - no life) and can tell you which ones you should hit the theater to see and which ones can miss.

It's been almost exactly a year since I've done this form of quick-fire reviews, so pardon me if I'm a little rusty.

Hit Or Miss: Quick Movie Reviews 4!

Watching tons of movies is so difficult! It’s, like, who has the time these days?!  And, even if you have the time, who has the money, especially with the tickets and the popcorn and the toll roads and the finder’s fees and the bridge troll tolls? It’s like, URGH!!!  (coincidentally, that the sound a toll-troll makes if he doesn't collect enough tolls)

Well, Tableau Your Mind (with some help from guest Blogger Funton Abbey) have watched a ton of movies for you, and we’re here to provide pointed critiques and ask a simple question: should people HIT the theater and see this movie, or is it more of a MISS?

Magic Mike

Strippin' Ain't Easy

The Story: Steven Soderbergh directs this film about a 30-ish stripper Mike (Channing Tatum), who has a great life, but he doesn’t have love (from Cody Horn or Olivia Munn), and he can’t get a bank loan to pursue his dreams. Will he turn out like his aging, charismatic
boss (Matthew McConaughey) or can he escape his life of easy money, attractive women, and hip-hop stripping?

Pros: There are great performances from Tatum and McConaughey (Olivia Munn is pretty good, too), the first half is breezy and fun, there are genitalia for all audiences (a few out-of-focus penises and a few pairs of boobs - everybody wins), the stripping scenes are well choreographed and cheesy, and everyone seems to be having a good time. Also, Alcide from True Blood and Neal Caffrey from White Collar are in it and strip a few times.

Cons: The second half of the movie gets mired in a story about the dangers of drug abuse and selling drugs, Magic Mike’s problems mostly seem kind of stupid, Cody Horn (as the love interest) is possibly the worst actress we’ve ever seen, and the color palate is stereotypically yellow and washed out, which is Filmmaking 101 for shooting a film in Florida but which makes everyone look a bit pancake-faced.

Consensus: Channing Tatum is turning out really solid performances lately, and this is no exception. It’s a shame that most of his scenes are with Horn, who can’t act herself out of a paper bag, and Alex Pettyfer, who is mostly just boring. Even his tattoos lack inspiration. The story is mostly fun, and the film is directed really interestingly (a lot of scenes cut out a second before you think they should, which puts you on edge). All-in-all, it’s solid but also kind of forgettable.

Hit or Miss: Hit, but you can probably leave after the first hour or so, when things start to get REAL.

Your Sister’s Sister

The Story: Jack’s (Mark Duplass) brother Tom is dead. Before he died, Tom dated Iris (Emily Blunt), Jack’s best friend. Iris loves Jack. Jack loves Iris (but hasn't figured it out yet). Jack sleeps with Iris’s lesbian sister Hannah (Rosemarie DeWitt) while staying at Iris’s family cabin. Iris arrives, and complications ensue.

Pros: As you might be able to tell from the synopsis, this is one of the more backstory-heavy films in existence. Mostly, the relationships feel real, which is due in no small part to the stellar acting from the three leads. They sell a lot of material that is pretty ridiculous. When the characters are talking and interacting, the film is golden.

Cons: The last third of this film is insufferable, especially because there is an 10-minute montage where nobody says anything to anybody and it’s really frakking weird. We don’t want to spoil anything for anyone, but things get really out-of-control plot-wise near the end, and the film’s attempts to tie everything up in a neat bow and a group hug rings false. It’s also a little too twee and cutesy for the subject matter.

Consensus: Good performances build a lot of goodwill, and that is seriously tested as audiences are treated to several minutes of people pitching and un-pitching tents and sleeping and walking. The last bit of this film is located firmly between Dullsville, Lazytown, and Implausible Cove.

Hit or Miss: Miss. Honestly, you can probably skip this one. It will be on Netflix Instant Watch within a year.

Ted

Ted: he's high-larious

The Story: A wisecracking, sentient bear (voiced by Seth MacFarlane) and his wisecracking friend with bad hair (Mark Wahlberg) have to learn to grow up or else the bad hair guy might lose the love of his life (Mila Kunis) who is way more attractive, young, and responsible than he is.

 Pros: It’s funny. There are a lot of laugh-out-loud moments and some solid jokes about Flash Gordon. The bear (the titular Ted) is a funny concept that is explored well. There are two great scenes: one involving sh*t and the other Norah Jones. Also, Ryan Reynolds shows up for no reason and it’s awesome.

Cons: The film relies on the same humor that Seth MacFarlane peddles in his television shows, and we can watch those for free. It’s mildly offensive and not funny enough to make up for the offensiveness. Also, Mark Wahlberg has no right to be playing a 35-year-old stoner/slacker. He's super jacked and is and looks 41 years old. 35-year-old stoner/slackers are rarely as ripped as him and they are certainly not 41. He’s also not that funny. Plot-wise, things hold together as long as everyone is having a good time, but, when it tries to be honest emotionally, it feels false and stupid.

Consensus: The film can be funny and is mostly harmless, but this style of humor is done better in other movies and in MacFarlane’s own shows. The novelty of a talking bear wears off quickly, and the constant sex jokes smack of desperation.

Hit or Miss: Miss. Rent it later or something.

Hit or Miss: Quick Movie Reviews 3!

Tableau Your Mind reviews movies fast so that you can get on with your day!

Dark Shadows

Michelle Pfeiffer and Helena Bonham Carter

do the best they can with what they're given

The Story: Escaped from a coffin after a two-century long imprisonment, vampire Barnabas Collins (Johnny Depp) seeks to reclaim his family's good name and take down the witch (Eva Green) who cursed him to haunt the night.

Pros: The ladies in this film totally kill it. Helena Bonham Carter and Michelle Pfeiffer are amazing, but MVP goes to Eva Green, who is as fierce and charismatic a villain as has ever

Hit Or Miss: Quick Movie Reviews 2!

Sometimes it's difficult to get through a full movie review, so we here at Tableau Your Mind wanted to offer you the quickest possible insights into some of the movies playing at the multiplexes this week and ask a simple question: should you HIT the movie theater to see this movie, or is is more of a MISS?

Wanderlust

Displaced by the economy and short-sighted real estate decisions, a married couple (Paul Rudd and Jennifer Aniston, who anchor the film admirably) decides to spend some time in a commune in order to figure out their lives. David Wain and Ken Marino's script is funny, but it's certainly less weird and ballsy than their previous films. Especially given the subject matter, the two don't go far enough into the absurd. The only real fun is seeing Wain, Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter (longtime collaborators on too many amazing projects to list) square off as news anchors in two throwaway scenes that are delightful and absurd. The film needs more of that. It is still very funny, and Ken Marino and Michaela Watkins, as Rudd's brother and sister-in-law, are great and steal the few scenes

Hit or Miss: Quick Movie Reviews!

Let's just get down to it. There are a lot of actually pretty decent movies out right now, and we here at Tableau Your Mind want to take you through our viewing catalog and let you know what you can miss and what movies should instantly make you want to hit up a movie theater. It's called Hit or Miss, and here we go:

Captain America doesn't like 'bullies'

Captain America: The First Avenger

Synopsis: The plot is mostly incidental, but basically Steve Rogers is a wimpy kid with a big heart and a lot of moxie who, when injected with a super serum, becomes the super buff Chris Evans Captain America. He then has to fight another super soldier, Red Skull (Hugo Weaving), who is also a mad scientist who stole a blue glowing cube (the Tesseract) from a dying Illuminati or something and is now using it to create super advance weapons. Also,