Watching tons of movies is so difficult! It’s, like, who has
the time these days?! And, even if you
have the time, who has the money, especially with the tickets and the popcorn
and the toll roads and the finder’s fees and the bridge troll tolls? It’s like,
URGH!!! (coincidentally, that the sound a toll-troll makes if he doesn't collect enough tolls)
Well, Tableau Your Mind (with some help from guest Blogger Funton
Abbey) have watched a ton of movies for you, and we’re here to provide pointed
critiques and ask a simple question: should people HIT the theater and see this
movie, or is it more of a MISS?
Magic Mike
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| Strippin' Ain't Easy |
The Story: Steven Soderbergh directs this film about a
30-ish stripper Mike (Channing Tatum), who has a great life, but he doesn’t
have love (from Cody Horn or Olivia Munn), and he can’t get a bank loan to
pursue his dreams. Will he turn out like his aging, charismatic
boss (Matthew
McConaughey) or can he escape his life of easy money, attractive women, and
hip-hop stripping?
Pros: There are great performances from Tatum and McConaughey (Olivia Munn is pretty good, too), the first half is breezy and fun, there are
genitalia for all audiences (a few out-of-focus penises and a few pairs of
boobs - everybody wins), the stripping scenes are well choreographed and
cheesy, and everyone seems to be having a good time. Also,
Alcide from True Blood and
Neal Caffrey from White Collar are in it and strip a few times.
Cons: The second half of the movie gets mired in a story
about the dangers of drug abuse and selling drugs, Magic Mike’s problems mostly
seem kind of stupid, Cody Horn (as the love interest) is possibly the worst
actress we’ve ever seen, and the color palate is stereotypically yellow and
washed out, which is Filmmaking 101 for shooting a film in Florida
but which makes everyone look a bit pancake-faced.
Consensus: Channing Tatum is turning out really solid
performances lately, and this is no exception. It’s a shame that most of his
scenes are with Horn, who can’t act herself out of a paper bag, and Alex
Pettyfer, who is mostly just boring. Even his tattoos lack inspiration. The
story is mostly fun, and the film is directed really interestingly (a lot of
scenes cut out a second before you think they should, which puts you on edge).
All-in-all, it’s solid but also kind of forgettable.
Hit or Miss: Hit, but you can probably leave after the first
hour or so, when things start to get REAL.
Your Sister’s Sister
The Story: Jack’s (Mark Duplass) brother Tom is dead. Before
he died, Tom dated Iris (Emily Blunt), Jack’s best friend. Iris loves Jack. Jack loves Iris (but hasn't figured it out yet). Jack sleeps with Iris’s lesbian sister Hannah (Rosemarie
DeWitt) while staying at Iris’s family cabin. Iris arrives, and complications
ensue.
Pros: As you might be able to tell from the synopsis, this
is one of the more backstory-heavy films in existence. Mostly, the
relationships feel real, which is due in no small part to the stellar acting
from the three leads. They sell a lot of material that is pretty ridiculous.
When the characters are talking and interacting, the film is golden.
Cons: The last third of this film is insufferable,
especially because there is an 10-minute montage where nobody says anything to
anybody and it’s really frakking weird. We don’t want to spoil anything for
anyone, but things get really out-of-control plot-wise near the end, and the
film’s attempts to tie everything up in a neat bow and a group hug rings false.
It’s also a little too twee and cutesy for the subject matter.
Consensus: Good performances build a lot of goodwill, and
that is seriously tested as audiences are treated to several minutes of people
pitching and un-pitching tents and sleeping and walking. The last bit of this
film is located firmly between Dullsville, Lazytown, and Implausible Cove.
Hit or Miss: Miss. Honestly, you can probably skip this one.
It will be on Netflix Instant Watch within a year.
Ted
 |
| Ted: he's high-larious |
The Story: A wisecracking, sentient bear (voiced by Seth
MacFarlane) and his wisecracking friend with bad hair (
Mark Wahlberg) have to
learn to grow up or else the bad hair guy might lose the love of
his life (Mila Kunis) who is way more attractive, young, and responsible than
he is.
Pros: It’s funny. There are a lot of laugh-out-loud moments and some solid jokes about
Flash Gordon. The bear (the titular Ted) is a funny concept that is explored well. There are two great
scenes: one involving sh*t and the other Norah Jones. Also, Ryan Reynolds shows
up for no reason and it’s awesome.
Cons: The film relies on the same humor that Seth MacFarlane
peddles in his television shows, and we can watch those for free. It’s mildly
offensive and not funny enough to make up for the offensiveness. Also, Mark Wahlberg
has no right to be playing a 35-year-old stoner/slacker. He's super jacked
and is and looks 41 years old. 35-year-old stoner/slackers are rarely as
ripped as him and they are certainly not 41. He’s also not that funny. Plot-wise, things hold together as long as everyone is having a good time, but, when it tries to be honest emotionally, it feels false and stupid.
Consensus: The film can be funny and is mostly harmless, but this style of
humor is done better in other movies and in MacFarlane’s own shows. The novelty
of a talking bear wears off quickly, and the constant sex jokes smack of
desperation.
Hit or Miss: Miss. Rent it later or something.
We have little-to-no opinion about this, except to say that we really enjoyed his work in 21 Jump Street and that People magazine seems to be going for 'relatable' lately when they pick the winners. Bradley Cooper, last year's victor, is a nice fellow, sure, and we loved him in Alias, but by his own admission he probably wasn't the sexiest man alive. Now that we have mourned his death and crowned 'everyman' Channing Tatum the sexiest man alive, who will be next? Al from Home Improvement? DJ Jazzy Jeff? Your guess is as good as ours.
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