The Real Winners and Losers at the 2014 Golden Globes

Tina and Amy = The Best!

Aah, the Golden Globes: the Academy Awards' less attractive sister who has to work harder to prove her worth, the Elizabeth Bennett to the Oscars' Jane (literary references!).  And though the end result may be sweaty with effort, the Golden Globes this year really were fun,  hosted again  by the (always welcome) Tina Fey and Amy Poehler. Now, many people will be wondering who won the awards during the evening, but that's not what this post is all about. No, this post is about the real winners and losers of the evening, the things and people that we'll be talking about long after Brooklyn Nine Nine is even on the air.
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WINNERS: Tina Fey and Amy Poehler 

(and Julia Louis-Dreyfus, with the assist)

Maybe they weren't quite as hilarious as last year, but that still made them 50% funnier than any other host in recent memory (sorry, NPH, but musical ability doesn't make you the funniest). Their easy chemistry and heated rivalry with Julia Louis-Dreyfus set the stage for a great evening. They were great.

LOSER: The Definition of a Comedy

Look, I love many of the movies nominated for Best Comedy or Musical, but none of them were really comedies or musicals. You can't call something a comedy just because there are jokes in it. There are jokes in everything. Get it together, Hollywood Foreign Press Association. Also, we need to talk about what constitutes a television comedy, but we can discuss that at a later date.

WINNER: Bronzer

It's the Golden Globes, so obviously the actors tried as hard as possible to emulate the statues they hoped to receive. While it may have looked like Hollywood's A-Listers crawled out of an Oompa Loompa's toilet, it was really just them being 'Method.' Honestly, I thought that the color correction was off on the TV until I saw Meryl Streep's pale face and realized that the rest of the actors in attendance had decided to use pumpkin-pie filling as foundation. Taylor Schilling's face, appropriately, was the same color as a prison jumpsuit.

LOSER: The Sea Anemone Trying 

(and Failing) to Eat Paula Patton

You can do it, Sea Anemone! I believe in you!

WINNER: Amy Poehler

She's on this list twice, but Poehler's win for Parks and Recreation is a long time coming. She's brilliant, she never wins anything, and she's just f*cking hilarious. A majority of the P&R cast was there to cheer her on, which was just very sweet, and her acceptance speech was endearing and heartfelt. I also want to give her another Golden Globe for her in-telecast performance as Randy, Tina Fey's son from a previous relationship.  Everything really is coming up Poehler!

LOSER: Lovers of Host Hijinks

Fey and Poehler have stated time and time again that, as hosts, it is there job to be funny and then get out of the way. And that's great and all, but it couldn't be more wrong. I want so much more of them, palling around with Bono, giving people a hard time, and just being wonderful in general. A few zingers and one mention of how supermodel vaginas prefer the company of DiCaprio does not a full show make. Be more present next year, ladies.

WINNER: Woody Allen

Woody Allen wins the 'sticking to his guns award' for not showing up for a completely ridiculous award ceremony even when they gave him a lifetime achievement award and half of the people in attendance had been in his movies. Also, despite his absence, the career retrospective was fun, as was Diane Keaton's predictably odd speech, complete with a song!

WINNER: Surprises!

Going into tonight, I was pretty sure who was going to win certain awards. Well, it suffices to say that my ballot was all screwed up by the end of the evening. Some of the wins seems ridiculous, but it made for an exciting telecast. I mean, Jon Voight?!

WINNER: Alfonso Cuarón

That guy is a delight. Not only is he a great director (I mean, Gravity was beautiful and a staggering work of genius but have you seen how amazing the third Harry Potter movie is?), but he also seems like a fun party guest. Herpes jokes! Oh, Alfons, you slay me.

LOSER: The Person Working the Censor Button

The bleeper certainly had his work cut out for him, what with the increasingly drunk crowd and a slew of movies that were already heavy on profanity, but whoever was working the button was quite the worrywart. There were a lot of extended bleeps that made no sense, which made it all the funnier when curses slipped out. Honestly, if people can say 'shit', 'whore', and 'bitch' in a telecast, what is there left to bleep?

WINNER: Elisabeth Moss

Jane Campion's Top of the Lake was a really-well done miniseries, and the strength of it hinged on Elisabeth Moss, whose complicated detective defied easy characterization. She was brash, violent, impetuous, sexy, strong, and weak. She felt like a real person, and Elisabeth Moss made her electric.

WASH: Brooklyn Nine Nine

Okay, cards on the table, I was upset that this show was even nominated for Best Comedy. And then it won Best Comedy. And Andy Samberg won Best Actor in a Comedy. For a mediocre show that he isn't even the third most funny person on. So, I was a little cheesed. However, I was completely won over by their speeches, which were really heartfelt and funny and none of them were the cast of Modern Family. So, I guess I'll just have to accept it.
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Experts may one day marvel at the Golden Globes, at how much work was once put into proving that celebrities like drinking and hanging out with each other. And, because I'm going to live forever, I'll be able to tell them about it, and how I still don't understand why everyone lost their collective sh*t over the overrated 'comedy' known as American Hustle.