Happy Presidents Day and Valentine's Day Weekend, Everybody!

2015 Best Picture Nominees, Part 1 [Crazy White Men]

It's time again to look at the top films vying for the title of Best Picture at this year's Academy Awards. Like most years, the nominees are frighteningly white and maddeningly mediocre, but there are a few gems that have slipped into the running. Plus, no turd is without its merits.

So, I'm going to review the films up for the top prize, but I'm also going to look at some of the other movies that didn't quite make it.

First, let's turn our attention to the three nominated films that feature supremely angry, emotionally unstable white men:

1st Celebrity Crush: Cecille from Sesame Street

In preparation for Valentine's Day, I'm looking back at all my past loves. And my earliest crush, besides the many times I fell in love with food, was with Cecille, the anthropomorphic ball who sang songs to me on Sesame Street.

Those curves! That voice! Those lips!
5-year-old Tableau was all about Cecille.

 I mean, her theme song alone is enough to drive anyone mad with love and desire:

365 Days, 365 Movies: January

Hello, Everyone!

Sorry for my protracted absence. Nobody is more upset than I am -- I missed this blog's anniversary! Since I wasn't writing, I spent the month of January basically in a state of hermitage, shunning the real world in favor of film and television at home and in theaters. Also, I was preparing for my exciting gig as one of the sad sharks in Katy Perry's halftime show at the Super Bowl. No bigs.

Anyway, my big New Year's Resolutions this year were to watch at least 365 movies over the course of the calendar year and to write down all the movies, TV shows, podcasts, music, etc that I enjoyed (to varying degrees). For the 365 movies, I didn't put many restrictions on what I could watch (TV movies count! I can occasionally watch a movie I've seen before! It doesn't have to be a movie a day), so I'm interested to see how the year shapes up. Anyway, here's my January:

Friends - The One With Five Steaks and an Eggplant

20 years later and still relevant

My Family Reviews 'Into the Woods'

The holidays mean many things to me: present opening, family outings (and innings) that are mandatory and often welcome, hot chocolate drinking that makes me sick for hours after the last sip has been sipped, and forcefully making my family watch movies with me and then reviewing them. This year, the first of the movies we watched together was the delightful Into the Woods, and the family members present were me, my parents, my sister, and my brother-in-law. Here is our review.

Into the Woods, the film version of the Stephen Sondheim musical, tells the story of The Baker and The Baker's Wife, who find out that their fertility issues (there are buns in their

Film Review: Annie Remake

Ermahgerd, it's Annie!

Let's review Annie!

In case you don't know (perhaps you're a recently unfrozen caveman), every iteration of Annie, including this latest from director Will Gluck, follows a delightful orphan as she is swept off her feet by a single billionaire who takes her away from her life of orphaning. Songs, laughter, and paternal love follow. It was originally conceived as a comic strip, then adapted as a radio play, a few movies, a musical, and finally the 1982 classic movie-musical starring Carol Burnett as Annie's alcoholic, evil-yet-nuanced caretaker Miss Hannigan and Albert Finney as the rich man who welcomes Annie onto his palatial estate and into his heart. The plot is bare-bones, and many of the musical numbers are regrettable; the 1982 version exists as a great movie mostly for the many stellar performances. This 2014 remake stars Cameron Diaz and Jamie Foxx in two main roles, which is the very definition of downgrading.

Film Review: The Hunger Games: Mockingjay - Part 1

Everyone wants you to lead the revolution but you're a big dummy...
What's a beautiful archer to do!?

Oof. I really went into the newest Hunger Games movie with the best attitude I could muster. Sure, the third book is the weakest in the series, and splitting it into two movies seems like a cash grab with no other reason behind it, but I really wanted to like the movie. It's got actors I really love, including newcomer-to-the-series Julianne Moore, and the movie promised some new locales, a meatier role for Liam Hemsworth, and some interesting thoughts about the perils and pitfalls of war. But... oof (2X), this movie is a dreary mess. Its plodding narrative is matched only by its overuse of exposition.  But there are some silver linings on these noxious, money-grubbing clouds. Let's look it over.

Peter Pan Live!

Well, this exists now.

Trailer Dump: 2015 Sequel Edition

Sometimes my brain is tired, and I need to unwind with a good movie trailer. There's nothing like a 2-minute dose of movie wonder to jog me out of a funk. The spectacle! The CGI! The voice over work! The soaring score! The over-explaining of plot to the point that it ruins the movie! Thankfully, in the past few weeks, we have seen the releases of exciting trailers for movies that plenty of people are waiting to see, myself included. 2015, like 2014 before it, will be another year full of sequels, prequels, and reboots of some of the largest film franchises of all time. In an era increasingly defined by unearned nostalgia and Buzzfeed listicles, next year will possibly be the apex of our growing need to mix the new with the familiar. Let's take a look at what the new year has to offer, and judge harshly and preemptively: