Apr 23, 2013

'The Big Wedding' Poster, Explained

The Big Wedding opens in theaters this Friday, and the poster is one of the worst things ever. But what is it about this poster that gives me so much eye pain? Is it the bad Photoshop, the anachronistic reaction shots, the Easter-egg-hunt color palette, the fact that Robin Williams is, once again, playing a priest for some reason? Honestly, it's probably the fact that each person looks like their they're in their own terrible movie. So, let's take a look at each character in this poster-monstrosity and see if we can suss out all the terrible.


Oh, the bottom row, also known as 'young-ish people row', because it would be an atrocity to mix generations. They might as well label the bottom row 'secondary plot-lines'.

1. Topher Grace
What's he pointing at?  And why is he squinting? I think the poster-makers are trying to make it seem like he's sharing a joke with Katherine Heigl, but it really just looks like Grace is very high and finds Amanda Seyfried's hair hilarious. Which, granted, it is.

Terribility Score: 3.5/5

2. Amanda Seyfried
Next, we come to Amanda Seyfried, who, despite having the body language of someone who is exhausted, is inexplicably giving bedroom eyes to the camera. Some brides look demure, and some brides sleep with wedding photographers.

Terribility Score: 3/5

3. Ben Barnes
Nothing really wrong here, except that his hand position is something that is always in movie posters when someone is exasperated yet it's so rarely employed in real-life situations. Prince Caspian is lucky to be on this terrible poster.

Terribility Score: 1/5

4. Katherine Heigl
Droopy-Boobs McGee looks mostly okay here. I assume that they kept her in profile for fear that her whole face would scare away women, since it was agreed upon by unanimous decision that we must all hate her. Actually, that feels like forever ago, and it's possible that society's collective hatred of Anne Hathaway has helped Heigl. Still, in a wedding of pastels, Heigl is wearing a dress that would not be out of place at a more up-tempo funeral, so...

Terribility Score: 1.5/5

Now it's time for the old uggos.

5. Christine Ebersole
Christine Ebersole is cursed with a lot in this poster. Basically, and for no good reason, the conceit of the poster is that everyone finds everything hilarious, except for the bride and groom, who are respectively horny and tired. However, the best 'fun' picture that the poster-makers could find of Ebersole is one where it looks more like she's trying to discreetly pass a fart. Also, it seems like she just took off some sort of hair-constricting helmet. We'll forgive her, though, because she is the only person that didn't get her name above the title. Poor, poor Ebersole.

Terribility Score: 4/5

6. Susan Sarandon
The two people pictured above seem to be the two that are most clearly doing this movie just for the paycheck. They are laughing uncontrollably to compensate for their complete lack of enthusiasm for this movie. It's easy to forgive Sarandon's ridiculous laugh, because it actually mimics what we assume to be the glorious, jubilant abandon with which she greets every day of her real life. Lady opened up a ping pong nightclub, and she's got no damn problems. If it weren't for the age-reducing, Barbara Walters-level Photoshopping, it would be a pretty okay shot.

Terribility Score: 3/5

7. Robert DeNiro
Robert DeNiro has never made this face. Ever. This is a completely fake face. This is Gerard Depardieu with bad facial hair. The only way that this is Robert DeNiro is if someone is electrocuting his testicles.

Terribility Score: 5/5

8. Diane Keaton
What are you looking at, Di? Is it the person that gave you that Flintstones necklace? Are you coming up with many different ways to kill that person? Whoever costumed Keaton clearly forgot that the world is not ready for that much Keaton neck. That neck is crying out for one or more scarves as much as her head is begging for a hat. And why isn't she wearing gloves? Also, while it's pretty clear that none of these people posed for this picture at the same time, it's almost a guarantee that Diane Keaton wasn't even in the same country as the rest of the cast.

Terribility Score: 3/5

9. Robin Williams
Robin Williams's head is so heavy that the mere act of tilting it slightly back causes the whole thing to cave in. That, or his head is trying to approximate the shape of a parallelogram. Or, he is a wax candle that is melting from the heat of Diane Keaton's angry, fake smile. Also, this Patch Adams-starring bitch's teeth are missing.

Terribility Score: Off the Charts

We may never fully understand why this poster is so... unfortunate. However, I'm sure the movie will be amazing.
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