Chris Hemsworth is People's 2014 Sexiest Man: Alive Category

The good people at People have released their list of the Sexiest Living Humans With Dongs (not so fast, ghost-of-noted-lothario Beetlejuice Casanova), and the most sexy living person this year is Australia's Thor, AKA Chris Hemsworth. The 6'3" actor is most known for his work in Marvel films and for placing fifth on Australia's version of Dancing With the Stars. By achieving the honor of most attractive man with a pulse, Hemsworth joins a vaulted list of famous humans who have male genitalia AND publicists who work really hard to get their clients on covers of magazines. He takes over the position from purportedly sexy, now disgusting crooner Adam Levine, who in turn inherited the mantle from stripper-turned-dancer-turned-actor-turned-stripper/actor Channing Tatum.

Hemsworth will spend his year as presiding thirst-maker traveling the globe, spreading goodwill and sexiness where'er he goes.

Congratulations on all your success, Chris Hemsworth. The people (and the people at People) tip our inferior musculature to you.

Chris Pratt Will Not Get Fat

At some point during the pole dance for Marvel's Guardians of the Galaxy, Chris Pratt went from being an affable everyman who oozed charm to an affable everyman who couldn't stop talking about his workout regimen and his (admittedly substantial) weight-loss. It wasn't annoying, per se. It definitely needed to be talked about to some extent (the previously fat elephant in the room), but, near the end of his time promoting GotG, the subject was wearing thin. Many people longed for the days of a slightly less svelte, and slightly more endearing, Chris Pratt.

Recently, while crowning Pratt as one of 2014's Men of the Year, GQ broached the 'fat or not fat' question. To the annoyance of chubby chasers the world over (including Pratt's wife, Anna Faris), it seems like Chris Pratt is staying thin. Asked if we'll ever see Fat Pratt again, he only had this to say:

"I'm done with that"

So, it's good news for Pratt's blood pressure and cholesterol, bad news for fans of a chunkier Andy Dwyer on Parks and Recreation:

Good by, Chris Pratt's muffin top. You're 5,000 Candles in the Wind.

Good News, Everybody! [The Force Awakens]

Man, it seems like the world is heading to hell in a handbasket. Early winter is causing people to have Premature Seasonal Affective Disorder (or Pre-SAD). Interstellar was a beautiful bore of a film. Bill Cosby is probably a serial rapist. Kim Kardashian's attempts to 'break the internet' only resulted in the breaking of humanity's collective spirit. And Chris Brown still exists.

Still, it's not all bad news! There are some glimmers of hope on the horizon. When you're feeling down and out, let this news be your bridge over troubled waters:

This music video...

This music video is almost perfect. And it's a reminder that I still haven't seen Gone Girl yet.

I Have The Best Friends

Gwyneth Paltrow Is Thirsty for POTUS

It's been a while since Gwyneth Paltrow consciously uncoupled from her husband, noted 'singer' Chris Martin. He's moved on (apparently to Lawrencier pastures), and it was only a matter of time before she did the same. And, since Ms. Paltrow is the most powerful woman in the world (according to sources-close-to-her-but-probably-it's-just her-doing-a-funny-accent), it is understandable that she would look for a mate of equal caliber. That man, apparently, is the President of the United States.

Yes, Paltrow went fishing for some Head of State tail, hosting a benefit for President Barack Obama at her home in California and really laying the compliments on thick. While speaking at the event, Gwinnie made it clear how big a fan she is of our nation's leader, talking about how he reinvigorated politics and he's so great at President-ing and whatnot. While her effusiveness is easy to understand, the following quote from her speech is a little less defensible:

"You’re so handsome that I can’t speak properly"

Keep it in your pants, Paltrow.  He's the President, not the newest bachelor on The Bachelor. Plus, you're in public, your kids are in the room, and he's married to a woman who could bench press you. 

We all know you've been lonely. And, sure, you're thirsty...

...but you need to find someone a little further down on the totem pole. That's why you married someone from Coldplay instead of marrying someone from Radiohead. You need someone who you can exert a little power over.

Don 't be an Olivia Pope, Gwyn. Be a Jennifer Lopez.

My Mom and I Review "The Skeleton Twins"

Television might be my one true love, but there's nothing quite as comforting as being in a darkened theater, popcorn in hand, to watch a movie with family.  So, when The Skeleton Twins, a dramedy starring Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig, premiered, I knew that there was one person I needed to see it with: my mother. Thankfully, she was in town.

The Skeleton Twins tells the story of Milo and Maggie (Hader and Wiig), two twins who have lost touch over the years but are thrown together again due to circumstance. That circumstance is Milo's attempted suicide, which forces a reunion between the siblings and brings Milo back to his hometown and into the home of Maggie and her husband Lance (the always dependable Luke Wilson). Milo and Maggie are depressed and messed up by themselves but seem to function better together; they're like conjoined twins who are having trouble surviving without the other's constant affection and interaction. With Milo back home and falling back into a dysfunctional relationship, and Maggie trying to stay in her relationship and out of trouble, the reunion seems to come at exactly the right time.

George Clooney Pulls Off Greatest Prank Yet

Though we don't yet know whether Clooney's marriage to lawyer/activist Amal Alamuddin was part of a complicated casino heist OR his latest attempt to prank a bunch of his friends into giving him gifts before sending them thank you notes with the word "PSYCH" in beautiful calligraphy, we do know that the world's most eligible bachelor has pulled his latest escapade with his signature smug confidence and debonair attitude.

Yesterday, post heist/prank, Alamuddin and Clooney were seen riding boats in Venice, Italy, saltwater spraying their utilitarian sunglasses and wind interacting perfectly with their beautifully coiffed hair. While many believe their confidence will be their undoing, at this point Venetian police have yet to intercede and bring charges against the international stars and thieves.

Whether or not jewels were hidden in the folds of her dress are still unknown, but onlookers did spy a moment when George Clooney, seemingly out of reach of the paparazzi, shared a moment with guests/cohorts Brad Pitt and Matt Damon, the three of them quietly staring at a fountain with content smiles on their faces.

I extend a congratulations and slow clap to the happy couple.

Hollywood Couples We Root For: Part Deux

Man, pop culture news has been pretty depressing recently. The summer movie season has been weird and a little disappointing, and television has been less than diverting. Plus, between the deaths, suicides, and Modern Family winning big at the Emmy Awards, it's a pretty bleak picture off-screen as well. So to liven things up, I'm bringing back one of the earliest features on the blog.

Maggie Gyllenhaal hasn't yet left
Peter Sarsgaad for an orb of pure light.

Way back in 2011, in my second post, I talked about celebrity couples who needed to stay together, because the strength of their bonds actually helps people believe that love for normal, non-famous people can exist.

And that hope remains. I guess. I mean, all the couples are still together. Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard are still keeping it weird. Anne Meara and Jerry Stiller are still alive. Jennifer Aniston is technically all up in Justin 'Sweatpants' Theroux, but everyone knows that Courteney Cox is the real love of her life. 

So let's look at more couples who prove love is real, even if it's just real for the pretty people. Without further ado, here is a list of Hollywood Couples We Root For, Part Deux:

Go See Bridget Everett's Rock Bottom

There's a show on the Joe's Pub stage that you need to see. It's Bridget Everett's Rock Bottom, which is running now through October 16. And you need to see it. Because it's fantastic.

Now, granted, I'm a little biased. I've been a fan of Everett since I first saw her as "Drunk Party Girl" in the first Sex and the City movie. Seeing it in the theater, I remember my sister leaning over and whispering, "That's Bridget Everett. She's amazing."