Great 30 Rock Moments

What do you do with the Pop-Tart?

There's no new 30 Rock tonight, but we made a commitment (basically to ourselves) that we would celebrate 30 Rock each Thursday on Tableau Your Mind. Since we're pretty tired from playing as hard as we work, we thought we would share a few of our favorite quotes from the show. Without really meaning to, all of these quotes are from the 2nd Season, so it doesn't necessarily represent a great cross-section of the show. Still, it's fun to remember:

"What do you do with the Pop-Tart?"

In the episode "Greenzo" Liz has the misfortune of walking in on Pete in her apartment, cheating on his wife.. with his wife. The scene that follows is classic 30 Rock, highlighting Liz's issues with marriage, sex, trust, and, most importantly, food.

"I only act out because I want your love. Dyno-mite!"

"Rosemary's Baby" is arguably one of the strongest episodes of the entire series, and it would be great if only for Carrie Fisher's guest spot as a terrifying glimpse into Liz's future. But then, in one of the most classic, racially charged and genius moments in the show, GE executive Jack Donaghy 'impersonates' multiple members of Tracy Jordan's family (including Tracy himself) during a therapy session. He's doing it ostensibly to keep Tracy from dog fighting, but once he gets going his impressions take on a life of their own. 

"I'm gonna cut your face up so bad you'll have a chin. You'll ALL have chins!"

Have you noticed how surprisingly weak-chinned the male cast of 30 Rock is? After this sandwich-theft-inspired threat in "Sandwich Day", we can't stop noticing.

There are plenty other great quotes and moments from 30 Rock's seven seasons that we absolutely love, but these are the three that we go to when times are rough, when hope is gone, and when it looks like things will never get better. Basically, it's the three moments we will play over and over again once the show goes off the air for good.

The Amazing Spider-Man May Not Be So Amazing

We were perhaps a little overly exclamatory in our review of The Amazing Spider-Man. Maybe we were clouded by our love of Emma Stone (she almost made us like Crazy Stupid Love after all), or we were too busy marveling at Andrew Garfield's gravity-defying hair (he and Ben Whishaw need to have babies).

Whatever the reason for our lapse in judgment (we gave the film an 8/10), there are now a slew of videos that quite rightly put the film in its place and have taught us a valuable lesson about hindsight:

TGS with Tracy Jordan: A Hellscape [30 Rock]

It's a lot to deal with.

Last week on 30 Rock Thursday Rock, we made an all-inclusive list of Liz's love life and celebrated her marriage to Criss Chros. Rather than pair that with a list of Jack Donaghy's ladies, we thought we would turn instead to Liz's professional life.

As Head Writer for TGS with Tracy Jordan, much of Liz's job involves wrangling the two (sometimes three) leads of the show, each with their own brand of extreme narcissism. Tracy leans more toward pure crazy and bouts of ennui, while Jenna Maroney (Jane Krakowski) is a fun mix of sexually conniving trickster and paranoid baby. As much as 30 Rock is about

Jamie Lee Curtis: A National Treasure?

Jamie Lee Curtis is a national treasure.

Here are some facts about Jamie Lee Curtis that prove this:

Jamie Lee Curtis was borne of Tony Curtis and Janet Leigh's lovemaking.

Jamie Lee Curtis played a prostitute in Trading Places.

Jamie Lee Curtis has been in many scary movies which we have never seen, but we applaud her for her screaming accomplishments.

This wordplay is solid.

Jamie Lee Curtis shills for yogurt that helps you poop.

 Jamie Lee Curtis is married to Christopher Guest.

Jamie Lee Curtis once switched bodies with Lindsay Lohan for a movie.

Jamie Lee Curtis is a little smug.

Jamie Lee Curtis would do well to be a little less full of herself and stop doing that thing where she purses her lips when she talks down to you or nods a little too enthusiastically in interviews about living your best life.

Jamie Lee Curtis, we get it, you're friends with Rob Reiner. Get over it.

Jamie Lee Curtis is a national treasure.

Liz Lemon is Married! [30 Rock]

BIG OL' SPOILER ALERT

Jack Couldn't Be Happier

It's official! Liz Lemon and Criss Chros are married, and the ceremony was just as weird and magical as we hoped it would be. It started out shakily, with Liz's fears of becoming a bridezilla fueling a self-fulfilling prophecy. Eventually, though, Liz pulled it together with the help of the two men in her life, found the perfect way to be pro-woman, and showcased her love of Star Wars. By dressing up as Princess Leia, she walked down the aisle in something

Liz Lemon's Relationships: A List [30 Rock]

Liz Lemon and her Many Men

Over the past seven seasons of 30 Rock, we've watched as Liz Lemon has worked to have it all: the perfect job, a great apartment, a plant/baby, and a man to share all of those things. And we have also watched as she has failed to get any of the things she wanted (baby steps, Liz). Then, beginning in Season 6, things started to line up for old Liz Lemon. She began renovations on her apartment, she started talking about babies, and she found someone that accepted all of her crazy. That man was Criss Chros, and tonight she’s going to make an honest man out of him and put a ring on it.

We don't know if this road will end in happiness or in failure (we assume a mixture of both), but we do know that the long journey to the altar/courthouse has included its fair share of romantic roadblocks for Elizabeth Miervaldis Lemon. So, on her very special day (which, per the save the date, should not be looked at ‘in a creepy way that perpetuates the idea that brides are virgins and women are property), we looked back at the many men in Liz's storied romantic past. And we ranked them, because assigning value to things is fun. Also, we didn't include Jack Donaghy, because, although they were married for a very short period of time, we wouldn't consider what they had romantic. It was no Meat Lovers Pizza. Now, on to the list:

Film Review: The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 2

We couldn't bring ourselves to see The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 2, because even saying the name makes us feel ridiculous, so we deputized Guest Blogger Bro-sie the Riveter to review it for us:

I read the Twilight books four years ago during Thanksgiving break of my senior year of high school. I bring this up because the book of Breaking Dawn is probably one of the most insane things I've ever read. There are weird no-sex-before-marriage and anti-abortion undertones mixed with the fact that an adult werewolf falls in love with a baby and it's okay. A third of the book is told from the pedo-wolf's (AKA Jacob's) perspective, because Bella is pregnant and no one wants to listen to a pregnant lady talk about her problems. So the fact that the producers take out that part, and then split the story into two movies leaves very little to piece together in this finale. 

The screenwriter, Melissa Rosenberg, tries to make this final movie into a concluding chapter of an epic. The one major flaw is that The Twilight Saga is anything but an epic. We establish that Bella is a vampire now, meaning she doesn't breathe, has amazing posture, and basically acts like a statue – Which gets rid of 90% of K-Stew’s acting style (i.e. heavy breathing, slouching, and having nervous tics like running her hands through her hair). But that just leaves blank eyes and her pretending to be an animal. She also hilariously almost kills some mountain climber who should probably die anyway because he's on a cliff in the middle of nowhere without any rope, but Edward stops her. So instead, she eats a mountain lion.

Bella's vampire sister-in-law, Alice, builds her and Edward an adorable cottage in the woods. It's basically a teenage girl's fantasy: post-marriage bliss, having a baby, and being a vampire allows you to have sex forever. I'm serious. This house is basically a sex house. After the most uncomfortable PG-13 foreplay ever, they quickly cut to Edward and Bella

Tableau Your Mind's 200th Post!

It took a little under two years to make it happen, but Tableau Your Mind has finally reached its 200th blog post. You're reading it RIGHT NOW! They say it only takes a person 16-21 times to make doing something into a habit, and it definitely feels like, after 200 posts, we have moved beyond "habit" and into "psychopathic fanaticism." Over these 200 labors of like, we have written about topics covering all elements of popular culture, including food, movies, music, television, and so much more. We've done posts on Hollywood "It" Couples, Hipster Babies, and Pedophilia in Film. We've compared the stars of Tangled and Salt and looked at what would happen if Mr. Feeny suffered a "Wardrobe Malfunction." We've doted on 30 Rock, Kristen Bell, Doctor Who, Harry Potter, and Batman, and hated on Kristen Stewart, Slow Motion in Indie Movies, and Easy Mac. We've even learned how to pronounce Gotye, just in time for him to become culturally irrelevant. We really wouldn't believe that there were 200 posts if it weren't for the photographic evidence:

Easy Mac Is Disgusting [Rant and Rave]

Dear Kraft,

Hello and thank you for your time. I am writing today as a longtime fan and eater of your Macaroni & Cheese (or, as my Canadian roommate and Barenaked Ladies call it, Kraft Dinner). I was actually a member of the Macaroni & Cheese fan club as a child (I have a decorative license plate with my name on it as proof). I make Kraft Macaroni & Cheese at least once a month, often while singing lines from the indelible song “Blue Box Blues”: “Well, if daddy wants to please me, he's only got to cheese me. I've got the blues!”

So, it is with great sadness that I need to inform you of something that you probably already know but are afraid to admit. Kraft Easy Mac is one of the most disgusting things that has ever been considered food, and it is the grossest microwavable 'treat' I have ever consumed. It's mushy, the cheese powder doesn't mix correctly with the water and noodles, and it smells a little funky (no doubt from the Styrofoam-esque packaging seeping into the noodle water).

I understand that it's difficult to manufacture something microwavable that tastes good. Tostino's Pizza Rolls are an obvious exception (I'm sorry if that's hard for you to see – know that it's just as difficult for me to write). Still, even with the hurdles involved, most microwavable food (mostly frozen or dry-noodle-based) are at least an approximation of their stove and oven counterparts. What you have delivered in Easy Mac is not even noodles. It's barely food.

Also, it makes traditional Kraft Macaroni & Cheese seem hard to make, which it isn't. You're underselling your own product, Kraft! By marketing one of your products as 'easy,' it makes the other seem difficult in comparison. For traditional Mac, All people have to do is boil water and have milk in the fridge – we aren't in a dairy crisis! This can be accomplished!

In conclusion, I would like to say that your microwavable meal may be easy, but it is NO mac. What's worse, I think you're souring a future customer-base to your product by having their first encounter with it be this approximation of real Kraft Macaroni & Cheese. Less people will try the real thing when their opinions are based on the taste of the deplorable Easy Mac.  I don't want to upset you, but I think that, when it comes to Easy Mac, it's time to go back to the drawing board.

Thank you for your time,

Tableau Your Mind

P.S. Sometimes I eat Macaroni Cheese with tuna in it. I don't want to ruffle any feathers of the good people of Tuna Helper, but have you ever considered going more high-end, possibly with a meat option. The casserole thing you came out with recently is amazing – Expand on that. Make Kraft a luxury brand, not one of microwavable faux-convenience!

30 Rock Thursday Rock!

It’s difficult to put into words how much we love 30 Rock. The greatest showing of our affection is that the show was the subject on of our senior thesis papers in college. And while “30 Rock and Its Big Mirror” is pretty much unreadable today, it is a perfect example of our devotion and ridiculous attachment to this show. How else could you explain the use of the completely nonsensical sentence “30 Rock represents the future of post-broadcast, neo-network television by firmly rooting itself in the present”? That’s stalker-level lunacy, people.

We say this because 30 Rock is currently in its final season on NBC. Though we will forever be comforted by the many episodes we will watch in syndication, Netflix Streaming, and on DVD, we are nonetheless crestfallen. When news came of a shortened final season, it was bittersweet at best. As any fan of the show knows, 30 Rock was lucky to see a second season, and with dwindling audiences and lessening critical cache, it seemed like getting a Season 7 was a gift from God. It was a gift from Anna Howard Shaw, at the very least.

As 30 Rock draws to a close, we will be devoting each Thursday (or every Thursday that we remember to do it) to some aspect of 30 Rock that we adore. It’s called “30 Rock Thursday Rock”, and it’s real. It’s as real as an egg.

So join us on this journey, looking back at great episodes, amazing guest stars, funniest lines, and weirdest patterns. Join us for the end of 30 Rock and the beginning of our clinical depression.